Feel like we’ve lost our minds (pregnancies mentioned)

[Anonymous]

We had one normalish pregnancy that took a year to conceive at 28, 2nd was a 3rd try IVF after a year of infertility treatments, 3rd was a surprise. We sat on our one leftover frozen embryo for 7 years and decided to transfer last spring… and then covid. Finally meeting with a new clinic in 2 weeks (have moved across the country) to discuss transferring the embryo. It’s been sitting there for 8 years and we can’t seem to destroy it or donate it. I’m 40, and have saved so much baby stuff just in case… it just feels like it’s time to have this decided one way or the other. But, one of our kids (the only IVF one) is disabled. Adding a 4th will be a lot to take on. On the other hand, his siblings are the best thing that could ever have happened for him. My age + already having a child with disabilities, plus our youngest being 6 when a 4th would be born, it feels crazy! Just sharing here as we have literally told no one else of our plans.

[Anonymous]

In your shoes I would not transfer. 4 kids is hard enough, with a child with disabilities in the mix someone is going to get the short end of the stick with time and resources.

[Anonymous]

I get it. While we do not have a child with disabilities (which DOES make a huge difference, I’m sure), we have three kids with three (untested) embryos remaining and feel compelled to try with all three remaining embryos. I’ll be 40 at the next transfer.

A neighborhood friend just had her fifth, with a major special needs child as her fourth. As you said, the child’s siblings are the best thing that’s happened to her and she has been wonderful with the baby. That’s not always how it works out, but it can be a beautiful thing.

[Anonymous]

If you didn't have the embryo already (and were able to get pregnant easily, I suppose), would you feel this conflicted about having a fourth? I wouldn't transfer it in your shoes because I wouldn't want another baby if I were you, but if you really want a fourth because you want a fourth, then be totally confident you have the resources and bandwidth for another child, potentially another special needs child, and then decide. But ultimately I think your age, the age gap, the existing demands of your current kids, and you saying another would be "a lot to take on" would be deciding factors against having another.

[Anonymous]

I would try. Pregnancy is only going to get harder the longer you wait. Having a baby with older kids is easier than having one with little kids. A part of you really seems to want another. Yes a 4-kid family has less parental time for each kid but I don't think that's bad and it's nice for sibs to have each other (I am one of 4 kids myself). Honestly, it sounds like it might not work and then you'll be done with the embryos and can feel like you did everything you could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would try. Pregnancy is only going to get harder the longer you wait. Having a baby with older kids is easier than having one with little kids. A part of you really seems to want another. Yes a 4-kid family has less parental time for each kid but I don't think that's bad and it's nice for sibs to have each other (I am one of 4 kids myself). Honestly, it sounds like it might not work and then you'll be done with the embryos and can feel like you did everything you could.

Only OP can know if she has the time and bandwidth for a fourth child, particularly when one is special needs and presumably takes much more time than her other children. But part of being a good parent is making decisions that are best for the family, not only best for you. That means this should not be an emotional decision and not based on how much she wants another. Many families overextend themselves thinking everything will work out and be worth it in the end, but it's the children that get the short end of the stick. Not to say she shouldn't do it, but it's not a simple decision and OP needs to think long and hard and come to a decision with her partner.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you all for your thoughts. I just keep going back and forth, honestly. Our oldest and youngest are 6.5 years apart and adore each other, so, while it is a large gap, I know it wouldn’t be awful. Due to my middle son’s disabilities, I SAH anyway, so childcare isn’t an issue. I know the first 5 years or so would be challenging, but in the grand scheme of things it’s a blimp, and, as I said, siblings have truly been the best thing for our disabled son. I would LOVE another child, but I do worry about spreading our resources too thin. We did casually mention to our oldest the idea of having another sibling to gauge his reaction (thinking he may feel as parents we’re already not available enough) and he was beyond excited. Youngest has been regularly asking for a baby the past year. We have a lot of love to give another child. But, it’s not something we would necessarily be considering if we didn’t have the embryo already there.

[Anonymous]

This is a difficult choice. I can see how you are really torn. If I were in your shoes, this is what I would do: transfer the remaining embryo. If it takes any wind up with a baby, that’s awesome. If it does not take, then the TTC journey ends.

Not because it’s impossible, but because if you aren’t 100% certain about absolutely wanting another child, and entering IVF with a brand new egg retrieval and transfers at 40 is often a difficult battle, and it just doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense to forge on with that if you’re not sure. I think transferring your last embryo will help your mental health knowing you tried and not having any related guilt that there’s an embryo out there waiting for your decision. Good luck whatever you choose!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your thoughts. I just keep going back and forth, honestly. Our oldest and youngest are 6.5 years apart and adore each other, so, while it is a large gap, I know it wouldn’t be awful. Due to my middle son’s disabilities, I SAH anyway, so childcare isn’t an issue. I know the first 5 years or so would be challenging, but in the grand scheme of things it’s a blimp, and, as I said, siblings have truly been the best thing for our disabled son. I would LOVE another child, but I do worry about spreading our resources too thin. We did casually mention to our oldest the idea of having another sibling to gauge his reaction (thinking he may feel as parents we’re already not available enough) and he was beyond excited. Youngest has been regularly asking for a baby the past year. We have a lot of love to give another child. But, it’s not something we would necessarily be considering if we didn’t have the embryo already there.

I was already going to say were I you, I'd transfer. Reading the above, solidifies I absolutely would. You have the single embryo remaining so it is not as though you have multiple to make a decision on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your thoughts. I just keep going back and forth, honestly. Our oldest and youngest are 6.5 years apart and adore each other, so, while it is a large gap, I know it wouldn’t be awful. Due to my middle son’s disabilities, I SAH anyway, so childcare isn’t an issue. I know the first 5 years or so would be challenging, but in the grand scheme of things it’s a blimp, and, as I said, siblings have truly been the best thing for our disabled son. I would LOVE another child, but I do worry about spreading our resources too thin. We did casually mention to our oldest the idea of having another sibling to gauge his reaction (thinking he may feel as parents we’re already not available enough) and he was beyond excited. Youngest has been regularly asking for a baby the past year. We have a lot of love to give another child. But, it’s not something we would necessarily be considering if we didn’t have the embryo already there.

I was already going to say were I you, I'd transfer. Reading the above, solidifies I absolutely would. You have the single embryo remaining so it is not as though you have multiple to make a decision on.

If you do not mind my asking is the disability more mental or physical, just curious if it is a learning disability or a physical impairment? Although I understand both can vary I can understand that physical problems where walking isn't possible would be much harder to with a new baby than say someone with a learning disability. Just my thoughts, but I also get you already had a child after the child who has the disability was born.

As a strong pro lifer I definitely understand not wanting to destroy the embryo and try to see what is possible.

Best of luck...I personally think a huge family is great, but as a mother of only one currently I know it will be an uphill climb to convince my husband to have more than two total!

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

In your shoes, if I wanted a 4th, I would just try naturally. Forget the old embryo - just a collection of cells. There is clearly no reason you can't conceive naturally - why go through the expense and drama of transferring that embryo?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your thoughts. I just keep going back and forth, honestly. Our oldest and youngest are 6.5 years apart and adore each other, so, while it is a large gap, I know it wouldn’t be awful. Due to my middle son’s disabilities, I SAH anyway, so childcare isn’t an issue. I know the first 5 years or so would be challenging, but in the grand scheme of things it’s a blimp, and, as I said, siblings have truly been the best thing for our disabled son. I would LOVE another child, but I do worry about spreading our resources too thin. We did casually mention to our oldest the idea of having another sibling to gauge his reaction (thinking he may feel as parents we’re already not available enough) and he was beyond excited. Youngest has been regularly asking for a baby the past year. We have a lot of love to give another child. But, it’s not something we would necessarily be considering if we didn’t have the embryo already there.

I was already going to say were I you, I'd transfer. Reading the above, solidifies I absolutely would. You have the single embryo remaining so it is not as though you have multiple to make a decision on.

If you do not mind my asking is the disability more mental or physical, just curious if it is a learning disability or a physical impairment? Although I understand both can vary I can understand that physical problems where walking isn't possible would be much harder to with a new baby than say someone with a learning disability. Just my thoughts, but I also get you already had a child after the child who has the disability was born.

As a strong pro lifer I definitely understand not wanting to destroy the embryo and try to see what is possible.

Best of luck...I personally think a huge family is great, but as a mother of only one currently I know it will be an uphill climb to convince my husband to have more than two total!

Good luck!

OP here. He has a brain malformation, so every part of his body is affected. The amazing thing about the brain, though, is we see him meeting milestones, just at a delayed pace as his brain works to compensate for the piece that’s not fully formed. Walked at age 4, talked at age 8, still working on chewing/drinking, reading & doing math at grade level. Truly, his siblings are his best motivators and biggest cheerleaders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In your shoes, if I wanted a 4th, I would just try naturally. Forget the old embryo - just a collection of cells. There is clearly no reason you can't conceive naturally - why go through the expense and drama of transferring that embryo?

Well… DH had a vasectomy after #3 so no more surprises would occur. If we’re meant to have a 4th, it would be with the embryo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Thank you all for your thoughts. I just keep going back and forth, honestly. Our oldest and youngest are 6.5 years apart and adore each other, so, while it is a large gap, I know it wouldn’t be awful. Due to my middle son’s disabilities, I SAH anyway, so childcare isn’t an issue. I know the first 5 years or so would be challenging, but in the grand scheme of things it’s a blimp, and, as I said, siblings have truly been the best thing for our disabled son. I would LOVE another child, but I do worry about spreading our resources too thin. We did casually mention to our oldest the idea of having another sibling to gauge his reaction (thinking he may feel as parents we’re already not available enough) and he was beyond excited. Youngest has been regularly asking for a baby the past year. We have a lot of love to give another child. But, it’s not something we would necessarily be considering if we didn’t have the embryo already there.

I was already going to say were I you, I'd transfer. Reading the above, solidifies I absolutely would. You have the single embryo remaining so it is not as though you have multiple to make a decision on.

If you do not mind my asking is the disability more mental or physical, just curious if it is a learning disability or a physical impairment? Although I understand both can vary I can understand that physical problems where walking isn't possible would be much harder to with a new baby than say someone with a learning disability. Just my thoughts, but I also get you already had a child after the child who has the disability was born.

As a strong pro lifer I definitely understand not wanting to destroy the embryo and try to see what is possible.

Best of luck...I personally think a huge family is great, but as a mother of only one currently I know it will be an uphill climb to convince my husband to have more than two total!

Good luck!

OP here. He has a brain malformation, so every part of his body is affected. The amazing thing about the brain, though, is we see him meeting milestones, just at a delayed pace as his brain works to compensate for the piece that’s not fully formed. Walked at age 4, talked at age 8, still working on chewing/drinking, reading & doing math at grade level. Truly, his siblings are his best motivators and biggest cheerleaders.

I would not have another child. Put the money you would spend on IVF into an account for your disabled child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you didn't have the embryo already (and were able to get pregnant easily, I suppose), would you feel this conflicted about having a fourth? I wouldn't transfer it in your shoes because I wouldn't want another baby if I were you, but if you really want a fourth because you want a fourth, then be totally confident you have the resources and bandwidth for another child, potentially another special needs child, and then decide. But ultimately I think your age, the age gap, the existing demands of your current kids, and you saying another would be "a lot to take on" would be deciding factors against having another.

+1

It sounds like if you DIDN'T have this embryo, you would not be seriously considering having a fourth child. If that's the case, I would not do it.