How do you truly forgive a parent who hurt you?

[Anonymous]

I've been thinking about and struggling with this concept a lot lately. In general I'm not someone who holds a grudge. I'm normally quick to forgive and do whatever I can to salvage relationships. However, my relationship with my father is now beyond repair in my mind. I went no contact with him after the latest abuse, and I have no interest in ever communicating with him again. I'm working hard to forgive him for the way he's treated me my entire life, but I'm finding it hard to let go of the pain. While I have no interest in continuing a relationship, I do want to find some peace in my life and hope he finds peace in his life, as well. How do you know when you've truly forgiven someone and what helped you move on with your life?

[Anonymous]

Minimal contact helps because the abuse hasn’t really stopped.

I find that I don’t think about it if I don’t see him or talk to him.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have to forgive in order to move on. My MIL did something I consider absolutely unforgivable, and I moved on by acknowledging to myself that this wasn't something I would ever forgive her for and going no contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've been thinking about and struggling with this concept a lot lately. In general I'm not someone who holds a grudge. I'm normally quick to forgive and do whatever I can to salvage relationships. However, my relationship with my father is now beyond repair in my mind. I went no contact with him after the latest abuse, and I have no interest in ever communicating with him again. I'm working hard to forgive him for the way he's treated me my entire life, but I'm finding it hard to let go of the pain. While I have no interest in continuing a relationship, I do want to find some peace in my life and hope he finds peace in his life, as well. How do you know when you've truly forgiven someone and what helped you move on with your life?

Get professional help and stop obsessing

[Anonymous]

I think you first have to define what forgiveness means to you. A lot of people seem to think it means you totally get over something and act like it never happened. That isn’t my definition— mine is more like “I’m going to let go of as much pain as possible by realizing the other person is likely flawed due to deep issues that are not entirely in their control. I will protect myself from being hurt again in the same way without spending time agonizing that the person will change.”

[Anonymous]

Therapy. You need a structured way to talk this out so that you can deal with your own feelings. Go low to no contact in the meantime.

[Anonymous]

1) EMDR therapy - an abusive parent is trauma
2) Listen to meditations on letting go
3) No contact

[Anonymous]

You forgive for yourself, not as a gift to the person who wronged you. “Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”

[Anonymous]

Agree with other posters that forgiveness is misunderstood. You don’t need to forget the incident or feel as though it never happened. Freedom from the incident will be achieved once you fully feel the pain, acknowledge the hurt, focusing solely on yourself. Look closely at any residual resentment or contempt you have for the perpetrator. Ask yourself why you have it. The resentment and contempt is what weighs your psyche down and needles you all the time, reminding you it’s there. It is a protective measure your ego takes to tell itself you are better than/nothing like the perpetrator. However, we all act unconsciously at times. In the end there is no ranking of people as superior or inferior to one another. We all just ‘are’, mostly reaping what we sow over and over in life. It’s not your job to teach others their life lessons. They will learn or not. If you can let go of the resentment, and just accept it as a thing that happened and is no longer happening right now, you’ll eventually stop ruminating on it.

[Anonymous]

forgiveness does not mean forgetting or acting as if the abuse never happened. That is a myth that abusers perpetuate so that they can continue abusing.

You should learn to forgive for your own mental health, but you should not ever forget. You owe it to yourself to protect yourself.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thanks for the replies. I have a therapist, but we've been spending more time discussing my guilt and anxiety over going no contact. Thanks for giving me some more things to think about. I really don't want to carry anger around with me for the rest of my life, but I also don't want to continue a relationship with someone who I know is not capable of changing his behavior.

[Anonymous]

Recommend the book Boundary Boss

[Anonymous]

Therapy can help you understand and recognize the trauma you suffered, and then help you "put it down" in order to move forward without getting stuck on it.

None of this requires forgiveness, forgetting, or even a conversation with your father. It's personal work - understanding and accepting what was (accepting does not equal condoning or forgiving) and recognizing that your present and future are very different from that past.

Forgiveness is over-rated and often counterproductive. I don't see the value of forgiving someone who has not taking responsibility for their actions and/or who is continuing the hurtful conduct still. BUT I now see the value of opening the long-buried vault with my old feelings of grief, anger, fear, sadness etc. in order to accept them and then put them down.

Good luck. This isn't easy stuff, but there's a lot of good living on the other side. (I also think that if you work on understanding and accepting your past, you won't feel shame or guilt for creating healthy and appropriate boundaries with your father or others. Peace with your decisions comes more naturally at that point. Even if those decisions are unpopular or scorned by others. It somehow feels ok in a way it never did before.)

[Anonymous]

Forgiveness is not the same as forgetting - you don’t forget, and you struggle always to shut off the tape in your head that replays the toxic garbage they instilled in you.

Forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for you. If you don’t forgive you’re holding a grudge, which is like taking poison and expecting someone else to die.

Everyone is broken by life, and afterwards some are strong at the broken places - Hemingway

Forgive your broken parents but don’t give them more opportunities to break you. You deserve better.

[Anonymous]

I don't think its about forgiveness, I think its more about accepting. Accepting that you won't have that relationship with your parent that you thought you would. Accepting that things and him won't change. Accepting yourself.

Time is a great healer, going no contact will give you space to heal and move forward. Don't shut down the emotions but embrace them. The anger has to come out at some stage, so let it.

Your guilt and anxiety at going no contact is misguided. There is nothing wrong with walking away from a relationship like that. With no contact there comes a time when you feel peace.