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Advice please. 4 year old DS won't participate in group activities.
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Anonymous
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My 4 year old seems to be more of an observer than a doer, and doesn't like to participate in group activities. For example, in preschool when art projects are done - he seems to do the bare minimal compared to the others in his class; his painting may have one or two lines on the page where others are like Picasso. If he is in a setting with lots of kids, he clings to my side. I signed him up for soccer, but that bombed because he did not want to participate or even be there. I am wondering if I should just let this go and hope he grows out of it, or is there anything I should do to try to get him to participate more in school and activities? I am afraid if he will continue to be like this in kindergarten then he might fall behind. Also, rather than sit in the kitchen and color with me, he would prefer to play with tractors and tools. BTW - his preschool teacher says he is doing fine and has never complained about his lack of participation, but I notice it when I pick him up or when they have school events.
Would more play dates help? I didn't do many play dates with him because I work full-time. I know both DH and I prefer to be loners and homebodies, so I am thinking he just inherited this personality, but I really wish there was something I could do to help him. I know all kids are different, but I am wondering if there is anything I can do to help him be more outgoing. I am not sure if this shy behavior warrants some sort of evaluation. BTW - He goes to play based preschool part-time and has a part-time Nanny. |
Anonymous
My daughter who was similar has sensory processing issues. She would get a bit overwhelmed in a busy setting and hang back. She also wasn't so big on touching paint or glue. She was great with one on one playdates and that was a great way to build relationships where she did seem fun to the other kid, it helped to make her more comfortable in the group, still does, and she is in 2nd.  Playing with trucks rather than coloring TOTALLY normal for a little boy!
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Anonymous
| How long have you had the current nanny? |
Anonymous
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My son is similar and has sensory issues too. Has anyone ever raised that idea with you? Does he cover his ears sometimes when music or sounds are too loud? Does he dislike certain textures or clothes?
If he's fine at school and would be fine on a playdate if you had one, I wouldn't worry too much. My son is not fine at school or playdates (he does okay with some things but doesn't participate fully enough in other activities to really be able to develop friendships or skills). He receives OT which has helped him. |
Anonymous
| 18:44 here, my daughter also received OT and it made a huge difference for her. She is very social now and much more comfortable in school or new situations. It is often a feeling of insecurity in space due to processing or vestibular issues or in processing a lot of visual and auditory information that literally makes them feel insecure and thus act that way was the way the OT described it. Hanging back and watching is one thing the clinging sounds like more of a processing issue to me. If you go to the park is he comfortable running, jumping, kicking a ball, spinning, going on a teeter totter, etc? |
Anonymous
| My son is also similar and has sensory processing issues, fine motor delays, and, I am pretty sure, anxiety (of course these are probably related). He is also quite introverted, though not really shy. Like 19:16's child, my son is having a hard time in school and sometimes playdates. Playing repeatedly with the same toys (and being focused on toys rather than social interaction) can be a sign of some of these issues. If your child is not having trouble in school and playdates, then perhaps whatever issues he might have are fairly mild and more a result of his personality. However, if you are worried, you might want to have him evaluated by an occupational therapy. Other than the money (and they are not cheap!), you have nothing to lose and a lot to potentially gain. |
Anonymous
| At age 4, he may be able to talk to you about what he likes and doesn't like. My DS is also 4 and sensory issues. At age 3, he couldn't tell me what the problem was but he certainly can now. He says things like "I hate touching the fingerpaint!" or "I can't stand how loud they sing in music class!" Ask your son some questions and try to observe him from afar if you can. Either he is unable to join in or unwilling. |
Anonymous
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I read the ops post 10 times and never saw her say her child has sensory isses.
I have a background in special education and early/ elementary education. I say this to support what I am going to say. I have worked with many children. Some children are followers, some are leaders, some are watchers, and some are talkers, and some are listeners. If your childs teacher hasn't mentioned anything to you I wouldn't worry. Your son sounds like he is soaking in the information by listening and watching. I wouldn't push activities on him. Does he participate when the nanny is around or does he cling to her too. I nannied for a family where the little girl clinged to mom during everything they went to but when I took her she joined the group with out a problem. If you are worried then have him tested. If you are wavering on holding him back in preschool I would look at other things beyond his social skills. Honestly I don't blame him for not liking soccer. Some kids hate it. |
Anonymous
| I had no idea my DD had sensory issues but she sounds just like the OPs child. That doesn't mean the OP's son has sensory issues but some parents and teachers have no idea. But some kids may not join activities b/c they are scared of being touched/bumped or b/c they are overwhelmed in other ways by the experience. The OPs son just may not be interested in the activities at school or he may they may cause him anxiety. I wouldn't count on his teacher totally either since not all teachers are aware of behaviors associated with SPD. Avoidance of group activities though (esp at age 4 when kids are much more interested in socializing with other kids) may indicate there is a need for an evaluation. If nothing comes of it, then the OP knows a bit more about her son and that he may just not be interested. |
Anonymous
You know, my 4 yr old had a teacher like you. Sucked for her bc the teacher couldn't recognize what all the other posters here could - that my child did indeed have processing issues and needed the help of an OT. I found this out after we switched schools and both teachers suggested it. |
Anonymous
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PP Please read the underlined bolded statement. I never met the child. I cannot say he has SPD but I did say if you are worried have him tested. I also beleive that just because a child doesn't want to do group activities it is because they have SPD. I have worked with many children with SPD and trust me I am nothing like your childs ex-teacher. I tell anyone who is concerned with anything you can always have them tested. I have recommended many times to have a child tested and some parents have refused only to come back and say yes there is something wrong. Once again I have never met her child but I did see she said her husband and her are loners. I also asked if the child participated when the nanny was there and not her. I am happy you found out what was wrong with your child. I will never tell a parent to blow something off. If you are concerned then call childfind... |
Anonymous
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OP here: Thank you all for your responses. This is very helpful. I now know I need to read up on the signs of Sensory Processing Disorder and perhaps look into OP evaluation. I didn't think he had all the autistic signs, but I honestly never looked into SPD.
BTW - when my son was first born, he cried pretty much non stop for the first 6 months and he lived in the baby bjorn because that was the only way I could get him not to cry. Also he screamed all the time in the car seat until he was 18 month. It was so bad that I hated going even 2 minutes down the street and one time he choked and I had to quickly pull him out and do the Heimlich on his back to get him to breath again. Later I started reading up on 'highly sensitive children' and he completely fit the description. He is a bit stubborn as well. I had the hardest time getting him to drink milk or formula out of a sippy cup because he was convinced that anything white needed to be in a bottle (it literally took months) . Recently when I bought him new sheets for his bed, he was very upset and freaked out because he wanted to keep his old sheets. In regards to the teacher not saying anything; although I love the school and the small classroom size, I do wish she would give me more insight into progress, etc. The parent teacher conference schedule was only for 5 minutes! I think they like him because he is so quiet and doesn't make a ruckus in class. |
Anonymous
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My experience is that many 4 years hang back, especially if the group is larger than 5. By the time they finally start expressing interest, the activity is over. Is your child on the younger side of 4? My niece was also quite the introvert at that age and still is and she's 32.
But SPD can be a factor. Try reading "The Out-of-Sync Child" by Carol Kranowitz. If it rings bells, it is worth an OT evaluation. |
Anonymous
| There are also checklists online for SPD. One of the things that are typical with these kids is that they dislike change in a big way. |
Anonymous
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I am poster 2023 and 2105.
After your last discription I would seriously have him evualated. If you are in VA I would go through Childfind. Although he may just be sensitive. |