Help! Obstinant, stubborn toddler

[Anonymous]

I have a 3 year old girl and I just don't know how to get her to listen. I have tried many things - reward system (backfired, because now she wants a reward for EVERYTHING), sticker chart (she stopped caring about earning stickers after the first day), positive reinforcement and praise, time outs for bad behavior (I warn her ahead of time when she isn't listening - "you have a choice, you can let me brush your hair and then we can watch a movie, or you can go to time out"..she won't do time out or allow me to brush her hair).

I also explain the WHY behind everything, as I thought that perhaps it would help if she understood why I wanted her to do certain things ("we brush our hair so that it doesn't get knots, because once it gets knots, it hurts to brush it). She just doesn't care to listen. It's like she does the opposite of what I want her to do. I don't have crazy requests -" don't chase the cats", "let's brush our teeth", "how about we put on some socks so we don't get blisters."

When I give her a time out, she usually won't do it. She refuses to go to the corner (her timeouts are 1-2 mins, facing the wall and then we talk about why she was sent to time out). I try to keep a level voice, remain calm, but honestly, after the 10th time of asking her to do something simple, I yell. I don't know how to get her to do what I need her to do without yelling because she just does not listen. It takes like 20 minutes to pick up just a couple of toys because she'll dick around and somehow drags it out to take forever. I will sit down with her for like 30 seconds, have her look me in the eye, and I will tell her that it's really important that she doesn't touch the stove because it will burn her, I asked her to tell me why she shouldn't touch the stove, she repeats it, and then what does she do? She f****** touches the stove.

Does anyone have suggestions for how to get her to listen to simple directions? I've read a ton of resources, tried a bunch of different things, all to no avail. I hate being that asshole mom who yells at her kid, I never thought I would be that Mom, but here I am. I have an immense amount of patience, I have 2 neurotic rescue dogs, I have five cats and three special needs foster cats, I'm a teacher to middle schoolers, you get the picture. Please help!

[Anonymous]

Hi! I would buy big little feelings course and start there. This will give you some tools to get away from time outs which don’t work well and help you reframe the behavior which I agree is very very frustrating but also incredibly normal (her brain just doesn’t have impulse capacity yet so though she might understand not to touch the stove she still might not because she’s obstinant but her brain quite literally isn’t there yet). The beginning of 3 was really hard for us! And got better once we tried to work WITH our son more rather than feel like we were in control with a go for him to be “listening” all the time. PEP classes might also be a good idea.

https://biglittlefeelings.com/course/

And/or

https://www.pepparentonline.org/p/redefining-discipline-june-2021

[Anonymous]

1, 2, 3 Magic is truly magic.
Because it teaches you to be a consistent parent.
What it does it teaches you to treat her like a human being, and not like a pet or a robot.
If she is in the middle of watching a show, you don
t jerk her away with, time to get to bed.
You give notice ahead of time.
When Elsa is over, we are going to brush teeth. There is no yelling and fighting it, got it?
Ok, almost 5 minutes to brushing teeth. You will get up on your own and go to the bathroom nicely. Then we will brush, put pj's on and go to bed.
Rince, repeat, perfect child will emerge within a week.

[Anonymous]

3 is a hard age. You’re doing all the right things, you just have to be consistent. Maybe there’s too much explanation and too much talking? Too many steps?

I would be short “if you brush teeth, then we can watch tv” (they understand the If-then pattern earlier than if choice 1 this happens if choice 2 that happens, but only if you choose one or two quickly otherwise XYZ)

Have you read “parenting with love and logic”? I read it years ago and many things apply to older kids, but the sock thing reminded me of that. The stove—well I don’t want my kids having a natural consequence of second degree burns vs a blister from no socks, so maybe you have to gate the kitchen until she’s old enough to listen?

[Anonymous]

It takes 30 days of consistent and correct application to see change and longer for change to stick. So that means 30 days of time out before it will see it stick.. usually before it gets better it gets worse (it's called an extinction burst) and then it gets much better. But most people abandon at the extinction burst rather than continuing. So you never see the results.

Pick two things you can be 100% consistent on. sticker chart for positive praise and time outs. Do them without fail until the end of June. Then make a decision.

Buy super cool stickers. It helps.

[Anonymous]

You ask her to go to her time out? Place her there.

Sometimes less explanation is better. Short and to the point.

[Anonymous]

Watch this op dear. Notice how Supernanny took the kid to time out.

[Anonymous]

Please do not follow this super nanny example op. Take the courses or one course from above and learn from actual professionals (none of which will tell you to do the above)

[Anonymous]

When the idea of "timeout" was suggested by psychologists in the 60s and maybe 70s, the idea was to offer the child a chance to remove himself or herself from an escalating situation or increasingly bad behavior before it got to the point of corporal punishment. It was an alternative, not the be-all, end-all.

That's how we used it for our kids (now tweens and teens). It was their chance to fix their behavior, a form of probation before judgment. If THEY were not willing to "comply" with timeout, we had no interest in forcing them. We simply moved on to the no-nonsense, methodical corporal punishment that they quickly learned they did not want to soon repeat.

If timeout is the ultimate option, then 1-2 minutes of looking at a wall is not going to be much of a deterrent for some kids. For others, it will be, of course, and those parents will say "I never had to spank! You're doing something wrong." Some kids are very sensitive merely to the hint of parental disapproval, but others, as you're finding out, are not much affected or deterred by that.

So you have to do what works for you.

[Anonymous]

OP: solidarity. My 3 yr old is driving me absolutely crazy. There’s good advice in these responses but if your kid is like mine, it only helps so much. We do 123 magic and some of this other stuff, and some days our kid is still just incredibly obstinate and stubborn. I try to tell myself that it will help later in life when she will know her own mind and stand up for herself. And then I count the minutes to bedtime so I don’t have to interact with her for a solid 10 hours because OMG she is a PITA sometimes. This morning we offered her some cereal for breakfast, she turned it down saying “I don’t like that cereal”, ate a large meal of other things, and then screamed at us when she found out her dad had eaten the rest of the cereal she’d rejected. Like... what? It is exhausting.

Something I know can/will help me is just getting a break. It’s not that your approach is wrong (it sounds like you are doing the right stuff, honestly), it’s that you are burned out and you kid is wearing you down. If you can get some time off somehow (sitter, family help, trading weekend days with spouse— anything that will allow you to not deal with her for a sustained length of time to recharge), I think you might come back with renewed commitment to what you are doing. That’s the thing that helps me most. I just need a break from the big feelings sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t try explaining so much to a 3 year old. A simple
“No don’t do that” worked better for my kids at that age. The moms I’ve known who were too sweet and nice had kids who walked all over them and things got really bad during the teen years.

[Anonymous]

My youngest is like this and we had to reframe our thinking. 123 Magic worked very well for my easy going oldest. With my youngest, he likes to argue and fight. He gets energy from it. So we just don't feed it. If he's messing with the cat, we remove him and quietly just say "do not upset the cat." We can't raise our voices to him because that puts us in a power struggle- when really there is no struggle. We're 32 years older than him! He does do timeouts and he thinks about things a lot, but also a lot of gentle redirecting. Plus a massive amount of praise. We also tapped into things that he likes and we do that with him a lot. He's our big helper and likes to set the table, unload the dishwasher and loves tasks.

We started 6 months ago and everyone can't stop talking about how our DS turned around and is such a happy, pleasant child now. And he really is!

[Anonymous]

The only thing our three year understands is Soviet-style limited choices and shows of power. Two outfit options in the morning, if she doesn't like them, I put one on her and she cries for five minutes and moves on. Doesn't want to eat what's in front of her? It gets put up until she says she wants to eat it (no alternatives). Doesn't want to take a shower? Throw her over my shoulder, turn on the shower, throw her toys in the shower, and suddenly she wants to get in. She was a very easy baby - but the toddler years have been difficult. We tried explaining and rewards, but it just didn't work for her. We have to tolerate 5-10 minutes of a tantrum once or twice a day, but that's about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When the idea of "timeout" was suggested by psychologists in the 60s and maybe 70s, the idea was to offer the child a chance to remove himself or herself from an escalating situation or increasingly bad behavior before it got to the point of corporal punishment. It was an alternative, not the be-all, end-all.

That's how we used it for our kids (now tweens and teens). It was their chance to fix their behavior, a form of probation before judgment. If THEY were not willing to "comply" with timeout, we had no interest in forcing them. We simply moved on to the no-nonsense, methodical corporal punishment that they quickly learned they did not want to soon repeat.

If timeout is the ultimate option, then 1-2 minutes of looking at a wall is not going to be much of a deterrent for some kids. For others, it will be, of course, and those parents will say "I never had to spank! You're doing something wrong." Some kids are very sensitive merely to the hint of parental disapproval, but others, as you're finding out, are not much affected or deterred by that.

So you have to do what works for you.

Interesting that you use psychology only when it works in your behavior. In the 2020s (and even before) spanking is not suggested by any mental health professional.

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3768154/
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3447048/

OP- I really like Dr. Siggi on instagram. Definitely how to talk so little kids will listen is great as are lots of other books but I need stuff in snippets.

Also, explaining WHY isnt going to work in the moment. Also, you have too many animals in the home for a 3 year old. When you said dont chase the cats I thought one or two but you have 8. I get it but you need to separate them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please do not follow this super nanny example op. Take the courses or one course from above and learn from actual professionals (none of which will tell you to do the above)

Why not? She firmly to a three-year-old, we do not bite. Took him by the hand and put him in a time-out. What is wrong with what Supernanny did with the kid?