I know better than you just because.. how to deal with annoying parents

[Anonymous]

This is getting repetitive so when do these know-it-all parents ever stop? maybe when kids go to college? People who invalidate others problems because they think have it "harder". I want to say but where is your empathy? And really none of these problems matter if you are looking at the big picture at the families in war torn country so everyone stop complaining. Perhaps its easier to limit with friends but what about family? A few examples...
You only have x kids but I have y kids so try that how much harder it is to get ready in the am
Your DC is only in x grade (and mine are older) so its not a big deal they are not doing so great at xyz
I have all these pets and kids and you don't so you can save all this money to spend on these other things

[Anonymous]

I don't respond to that type of comment. They are showing you how devoid of empathy they are and its like watching someone's bad manners.

[Anonymous]

I’m sure that I am missing something, but I don’t read these comments as mean or superior.

Wouldn’t it be worse if they told you that it was no big deal for them to get out of the house with four kids, but they understand why you would struggle with one? Or to act like it’s a huge deal that your child can’t do xyz when they know full well that their children couldn’t do xyz at your child’s age either?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, depending on context, I think this is normal parenting commiseration

[Anonymous]

It drives me bonkers too OP.

Lately, I have being trying to brush off these comments by saying stuff like “oh wow...” or “ah...I see what you mean”. and just leave it at that. But it is SO hard to do that because those kind of comments makes me feel judged and then I feel I need to “prove” that things aren’t as rosy for me as the other person might think. It’s like competing in the hardship Olympics.

I think that the people who make these comments will always make them. Like when your kids are grown up, they will compare how often yours come to visit or whatever.

Disclaimer: I have rejection sensitive dysphoria, so these things tend to bother me more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, depending on context, I think this is normal parenting commiseration

+1.

This seems pretty normal.

[Anonymous]

If you have one kid and are complaining to a working mom of four that it is hard for you to get out the door in the morning, you had it coming.

Know your audience.

[Anonymous]

Some people are just social dummies. I have friends who make tone deaf know-it-all remarks, but I expect it from them (e.g. two doctor friends who insist on giving me completely common sense parenting advice prefaced with, "as a doctor...the research shows you should...bolt your heavy furniture to the wall/floor to avoid the risk of it tipping over")

They have other redeeming qualities, so I let the stupid stuff sail away.

[jsmith123]

OP just because people's problems aren't as bad as being in a war-torn country, it doesn't mean they're not problems. Parenting can be hard. And it can be harder for some people than others, even if the kids are "easier". An anxious parent isn't going to roll with the punches as easily as someone who doesn't suffer from anxiety, for example.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are totally right and I can't stand it either. It's not normal parent commiseration. These parents aren't commiserating! If someone says "I'm struggling with x" and your response is "Well try doing x, y, and z -- you have it easy" -- that's not commiserating!

I have had these conversation with friends and family and they are tedious and I feel there is often an undercurrent of resentment I can't figure out. Is it that no one was kind or empathetic towards them when they had younger and fewer kids? Is it that they are struggling and just taking it out on the nearest target? Unclear, but it sucks, because when my friends/family with more kids and older kids talk about their challenges, I always listen and try to be understanding and validate their feelings, because I think that's my job as their friend or loved one. It is frustrating when it doesn't flow the other direction.

And to the PP who says "know your audience", while there is something to that in general, in practice it's easier said than done. I think this was worst for me during my DC's first year, when I was really struggling and dealing with PPD. We'd get together with our friends who had multiple older kids and they'd ask how it was going, and no matter what we said, we'd get a litany of "well it's harder when they are older and when you have more." Like even if we lied and said everything was great, this is what they would say. It was really defeating.

I will also note that we had our baby later in life and only had one kid as a result, so when people act superior because their kids are older or they have more kids, it can actually feel hurtful. I would have preferred to have a child earlier, and I think I would have liked to have another. Those options weren't in the cards for me. I've made peace with it, but I resent the idea that I'll always be treated like some naive first time mom, even though I'm in my 40s, simply because I struggled to have a kid and only had one. Congrats on finding a partner earlier in life and not dealing with infertility, I guess? It's rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people are just social dummies. I have friends who make tone deaf know-it-all remarks, but I expect it from them (e.g. two doctor friends who insist on giving me completely common sense parenting advice prefaced with, "as a doctor...the research shows you should...bolt your heavy furniture to the wall/floor to avoid the risk of it tipping over")

They have other redeeming qualities, so I let the stupid stuff sail away.

Your friends are ridiculous. As a doctor, who is also a parent, they should know that the only advice most mothers need is to recognize that they are doing a great job and to stop worrying.

And anyone who studies the merits of bolting furniture to the wall is an idiot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are totally right and I can't stand it either. It's not normal parent commiseration. These parents aren't commiserating! If someone says "I'm struggling with x" and your response is "Well try doing x, y, and z -- you have it easy" -- that's not commiserating!

I have had these conversation with friends and family and they are tedious and I feel there is often an undercurrent of resentment I can't figure out. Is it that no one was kind or empathetic towards them when they had younger and fewer kids? Is it that they are struggling and just taking it out on the nearest target? Unclear, but it sucks, because when my friends/family with more kids and older kids talk about their challenges, I always listen and try to be understanding and validate their feelings, because I think that's my job as their friend or loved one. It is frustrating when it doesn't flow the other direction.

And to the PP who says "know your audience", while there is something to that in general, in practice it's easier said than done. I think this was worst for me during my DC's first year, when I was really struggling and dealing with PPD. We'd get together with our friends who had multiple older kids and they'd ask how it was going, and no matter what we said, we'd get a litany of "well it's harder when they are older and when you have more." Like even if we lied and said everything was great, this is what they would say. It was really defeating.

I will also note that we had our baby later in life and only had one kid as a result, so when people act superior because their kids are older or they have more kids, it can actually feel hurtful. I would have preferred to have a child earlier, and I think I would have liked to have another. Those options weren't in the cards for me. I've made peace with it, but I resent the idea that I'll always be treated like some naive first time mom, even though I'm in my 40s, simply because I struggled to have a kid and only had one. Congrats on finding a partner earlier in life and not dealing with infertility, I guess? It's rude.

Yeah. People are resentful because you keep lying to them and saying things are going “great,” and at the same time, you expect them to empathize with your very real problems.
Either that, or people are resentful because you are telling them about your real struggles with depression, and when they tell you about their own struggles with depression (with y and z), you are annoyed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are totally right and I can't stand it either. It's not normal parent commiseration. These parents aren't commiserating! If someone says "I'm struggling with x" and your response is "Well try doing x, y, and z -- you have it easy" -- that's not commiserating!

I have had these conversation with friends and family and they are tedious and I feel there is often an undercurrent of resentment I can't figure out. Is it that no one was kind or empathetic towards them when they had younger and fewer kids? Is it that they are struggling and just taking it out on the nearest target? Unclear, but it sucks, because when my friends/family with more kids and older kids talk about their challenges, I always listen and try to be understanding and validate their feelings, because I think that's my job as their friend or loved one. It is frustrating when it doesn't flow the other direction.

And to the PP who says "know your audience", while there is something to that in general, in practice it's easier said than done. I think this was worst for me during my DC's first year, when I was really struggling and dealing with PPD. We'd get together with our friends who had multiple older kids and they'd ask how it was going, and no matter what we said, we'd get a litany of "well it's harder when they are older and when you have more." Like even if we lied and said everything was great, this is what they would say. It was really defeating.

I will also note that we had our baby later in life and only had one kid as a result, so when people act superior because their kids are older or they have more kids, it can actually feel hurtful. I would have preferred to have a child earlier, and I think I would have liked to have another. Those options weren't in the cards for me. I've made peace with it, but I resent the idea that I'll always be treated like some naive first time mom, even though I'm in my 40s, simply because I struggled to have a kid and only had one. Congrats on finding a partner earlier in life and not dealing with infertility, I guess? It's rude.

Yeah. People are resentful because you keep lying to them and saying things are going “great,” and at the same time, you expect them to empathize with your very real problems.
Either that, or people are resentful because you are telling them about your real struggles with depression, and when they tell you about their own struggles with depression (with y and z), you are annoyed.

Sorry, but no. Your friend who says "Oh yes, everything is great" in order to avoid being condescended to, you don't get to complain about them "lying". If you haven't proven yourself to be a particularly sympathetic ear, or have told me multiple times in the past that I shouldn't complain because you have it worse, you can't complain when I start glossing over what is actually going on in my life. You want the truth from your friends? You need to show you can handle it

And OP isn't talking about a friend who responds to your saying "I'm depressed" by saying "me too". That's normal commiseration. She is talking about people who respond to "I'm depressed" with "Well I'm more depressed because I have it harder from you and you should just be grateful." That's not commiseration. As with the previous example, it just cuts off the conversation at the knees. It's fine to want your friend to listen to your struggles, but it's unreasonable to expect that if you refuse to listen to their struggles, and instead immediately turn the conversation back to you.

A lot of this is kind of Friendship 101 stuff and I think kids in the mix, just make it clear that some people lack these skills and don't know how to handle the normal give and take of a relationship. And also that many people are resentful/jealous/insecure and it keeps them from being empathetic and kind with others even as they expect those same people to be empathetic and kind to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you have one kid and are complaining to a working mom of four that it is hard for you to get out the door in the morning, you had it coming.

Know your audience.

That just goes back to who has it worse Olympics. These are all just vents we are not talking cancer or serious stuff and it wouldn't hurt for the mom of 4 to be sympathetic knowing not everyone is an organized superwoman like her!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you have one kid and are complaining to a working mom of four that it is hard for you to get out the door in the morning, you had it coming.

Know your audience.

That just goes back to who has it worse Olympics. These are all just vents we are not talking cancer or serious stuff and it wouldn't hurt for the mom of 4 to be sympathetic knowing not everyone is an organized superwoman like her!

It's also hard if the mom of four is your sister and she does this no matter what you do. Like even if you don't complain. If you observe or report on any aspect of parenting, she will jump in and explain how she's done that before and it was nothing compared to what she's dealing with now, or what it is with more kids, or whatever.

Honestly, a lot of parents with more than 2 kids are massive martyrs and want everyone to revel all the time about how hard they have it and how amazing they are for making it work. As though this is something that just happened to them and not a choice they made. That's what my sister is like. I think the real reason she's so condescending to me is that she is mad I don't ask her for more parenting advice. But the truth is, I don't ask her for parenting advice because I don't want to parent the way she does. She yells at her kids a lot and always seems really put-upon and miserable. I had fewer children and I had them older than she was when she started. We work to have a calm house where everyone's needs are met and there is really good communication. She can't offer guidance to me on that front.

I think it bothers her that I didn't do exactly what she did -- have a bunch of kids really young and then struggle financially for years and quit my career and make my kids my entire identity. When I did something else, it annoyed her and made her realize that there ARE other options and that having kids and a family does not need to be this miserable, chaotic, poverty-inducing experience. She's honestly just bitter.