Reply to I know better than you just because.. how to deal with annoying parents

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, you are totally right and I can't stand it either. It's not normal parent commiseration. These parents aren't commiserating! If someone says "I'm struggling with x" and your response is "Well try doing x, y, and z -- you have it easy" -- that's not commiserating!

I have had these conversation with friends and family and they are tedious and I feel there is often an undercurrent of resentment I can't figure out. Is it that no one was kind or empathetic towards them when they had younger and fewer kids? Is it that they are struggling and just taking it out on the nearest target? Unclear, but it sucks, because when my friends/family with more kids and older kids talk about their challenges, I always listen and try to be understanding and validate their feelings, because I think that's my job as their friend or loved one. It is frustrating when it doesn't flow the other direction.

And to the PP who says "know your audience", while there is something to that in general, in practice it's easier said than done. I think this was worst for me during my DC's first year, when I was really struggling and dealing with PPD. We'd get together with our friends who had multiple older kids and they'd ask how it was going, and no matter what we said, we'd get a litany of "well it's harder when they are older and when you have more." Like even if we lied and said everything was great, this is what they would say. It was really defeating.

I will also note that we had our baby later in life and only had one kid as a result, so when people act superior because their kids are older or they have more kids, it can actually feel hurtful. I would have preferred to have a child earlier, and I think I would have liked to have another. Those options weren't in the cards for me. I've made peace with it, but I resent the idea that I'll always be treated like some naive first time mom, even though I'm in my 40s, simply because I struggled to have a kid and only had one. Congrats on finding a partner earlier in life and not dealing with infertility, I guess? It's rude.[/quote]

Yeah.  People are resentful because you keep lying to them and saying things are going “great,” and at the same time, you expect them to empathize with your very real problems.  
Either that, or people are resentful because you are telling them about your real struggles with depression, and when they tell you about their own struggles with depression (with y and z), you are annoyed.  [/quote]

Sorry, but no. Your friend who says "Oh yes, everything is great" in order to avoid being condescended to, you don't get to complain about them "lying". If you haven't proven yourself to be a particularly sympathetic ear, or have told me multiple times in the past that I shouldn't complain because you have it worse, you can't complain when I start glossing over what is actually going on in my life. You want the truth from your friends? You need to show you can handle it

And OP isn't talking about a friend who responds to your saying "I'm depressed" by saying "me too". That's normal commiseration. She is talking about people who respond to "I'm depressed" with "Well I'm more depressed because I have it harder from you and you should just be grateful." That's not commiseration. As with the previous example, it just cuts off the conversation at the knees. It's fine to want your friend to listen to your struggles, but it's unreasonable to expect that if you refuse to listen to their struggles, and instead immediately turn the conversation back to you.

A lot of this is kind of Friendship 101 stuff and I think kids in the mix, just make it clear that some people lack these skills and don't know how to handle the normal give and take of a relationship. And also that many people are resentful/jealous/insecure and it keeps them from being empathetic and kind with others even as they expect those same people to be empathetic and kind to them.[/quote]

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