does this sound outside the range of "normal" 3-4yo behavior to you?

[Anonymous]

My son's montisorri school is acting in what feels like a very dramatic way to his behavior. Daily reports of how "difficult" he's been, implying his behavior is well outside the range of normal and he's the only child that does these things, pushing us hard to get him OT earlier in the year (which we did/do and the OT found nothing in her assessment at our home and fully based her recommendation for OT for the teachers' reported behaviors), and now having us meet with the school director and them to "discuss what is going on"

I fully own that we need to work on my almost 4yos behavior and totally acknowledge a lot of kids his age don't do the things they're reporting, but also feel like his behavior isn't wildly out of the range of normal (vs diagnosis needed / outside the realm of "normal) for his age. Either way we will work on it but I'm hoping for a gut check of whether this school / these teachers may also be a bad fit for him and their view of what's normal for his age.

Things they report are:
- Ripping up another kids project when the kid says he can't help with it
- Dumping over his own work (what montisorri calls their activities) if its time to wrap up and he's not done
- During times of a lot of noise and transition, getting too close to other students and bumping into them (he's never hurt anyone at school but does touch other kids)
- Doing things like purposefully splashing water on the floor at their little sink where they're supposed to wash their own dishes

There's usually one "incident" a week of him messing up another kids work....this isn't like a multiple times a day thing. For the more minor things like getting wound up at transition times, it tends to happen on days he hasn't slept well and is struggling a bit more with self control. Again obviously these are things we need to work on to help him continue to learn and grow as a person, but are they really that abnormal for an almost 4 year old?

[Anonymous]

Not that abnormal, no. But enough to make some schools very frustrated. I suggest a child therapist to help him, though it sounds like maybe he's just bored and frustrated at school.

[Anonymous]

I mean it's not outside the realm of normal, but it's also not normal, if you know what I mean. Kids that age get frustrated, etc., but if he is damaging another kid's work every week, that's a lot.

[Anonymous]

Montessori is pretty rigid imho. That pedagogy might not be a good fit for your kid.

[Anonymous]

Destroying other children’s work on a weekly basis is not ok.

It’s normal in that there is always that “one” kid, but he is a outlier.

[Anonymous]

put him in a new preschool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not that abnormal, no. But enough to make some schools very frustrated. I suggest a child therapist to help him, though it sounds like maybe he's just bored and frustrated at school.

what kind of therapist? he has a weekly session with an OT (due to schools pushing) but given he thrives on 1:1 attention and there aren't other children around to replicate whatever might be going on at school, it seems pointless. she will talk a little about feelings and understanding how others are feeling, do gross motor play, and then work on random fine motor things like using a spoon or taking off his own sweatshirt or whatever other little gap she can find. whlie its covered by insurance and he loves it so there's no harm in continuing it, OT doesn't seem to be making a dent in what they're saying the issues are

[Anonymous]

Unusual to the degree that he’ll probably outgrow it and be fine by k but Montessori is going to be unpleasant for him and the other kids. I’d try to find a play based situation.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, sorry, OP, but that is outside the range of normal. He’s purposely hurting and upsetting other kids! That lack of empathy and anger are definite signs that something is very wrong.

Just not following rules? Who cares. But the purposeful upsetting of other kids calls for help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Montessori is pretty rigid imho. That pedagogy might not be a good fit for your kid.

This. Sounds like they're not setting him up for success, but putting him in situations over and over again where he is unable to control his frustrations because "that's how it's done."

[Anonymous]

I think messing up other kids’ stuff about once a week is a problem. Is it just immaturity, poor impulse control, or something like ADHD? Impossible for anyone but a professional to tell (or wait to see if he outgrows it).
But if it only happens a at school, that school may be a poor fit for him.

[Anonymous]

Its not ok. But it could also be the product of his environment and what montessori style expects from him. Its not for everyone.

[Anonymous]

I'm unclear why an OT was suggested. That does not seem to be the issue.

[Anonymous]

I think it just sounds like he has impulse control issues. Probably in the bottom 10-15% of kids, but not beyond that or anything that I'd worry about "diagnosing."

I think you need to be very firm about not destroying other kids' work. Big rewards for any week where it doesn't happen, consequences (perhaps writing the kid an apology letter) if it does. Do that for a solid month or two and see if you can get the behavior to change. That's really the one that's going to be a big deal for the school and may result in them trying to get rid of him. (Especially if any of the other kids are copying his behavior and/or any of the victims are sensitive and their parents are making it a big deal.)

The other things seem totally within the range of normal to me... although it's hard to know with the bumping v touching other kids without understanding exactly when/why it's happening.

[Anonymous]

I would look for a new school. I don't think you should be overly concerned about your child. I don't think the teachers and the school are a good fit for your family.

I don't think every kid is ready to be in preschool at young ages. If you are able, I would just pull him for the year and try again when he is 5. If you have to have him in preschool I would look into a play based preschool.