want to move, but worried about leaving family

[Anonymous]

My DH and I have lived in DC for 10 years--more if you count the time before we got together. We are both ready for a change and are seriously considering moving to another state within a year or so. We know more or less where we'd like to go and think it would be a good choice for various reasons (job opportunities, lifestyle, etc.). We have three young kids and think that there are a lot of good things about this location for our kids as well.

My big reservation, though, is that we would be moving away from my entire immediate family and also much farther from DH's parents. My parents and siblings are all within a 2 hour drive of DC and DH's parents are a 4 hour drive away. If we moved, we would be an easy and short (2.5 hours) plane ride away, but we would inevitably see them much less. My parents could probably fly down once a year, but they aren't that well off and some of my siblings would probably only see us when we came to to the DMV to visit. I'd certainly want to fly back to see family as often as I could, but realistically I'm guessing we'd probably only make it up 2-3 times a year at most.

Maybe it's the pandemic, but part of me really wants to shake things up and move somewhere I've always wanted to live and give my kids opportunites they won't have in DC, but I'm worried that if we pull the trigger, I'll end up regretting the lost time with family--esp. as our parents are older.

Any advice/thoughts on this?

[Anonymous]

The biggest regret I have is not moving and taking a chance. You can always move back.

[Anonymous]

With family, it’s not the same when a plane trip is involved. Sad but true. Has to be worth the trade off and for some it is.

[Anonymous]

How often do you see them now?

[Anonymous]

OP here. We see my parents and one sister and her family about 8-10 times a year--maybe my mom a bit more. My other siblings probably 4-6 times a year. Whole family gets together for Christmas and several other times a year and my mom also comes out to babysit occasionally. We visit DH's parents 4-5 times a year and they can't travel much these days so we really have to go to them.

Fortunately DH and I are still in the discussion stage, so no rush to make a decision, but I'm really torn about it. My family moved around a bit when I was growing up and often lived away from extended family. But since I had kids, I really came to appreciate how nice it was to have my mom not too far away and to have cousins for my kids to play with on a regular basis.

That said, DH and I were planning to move to the suburbs for better schools, more space, etc., and I guess I just wonder why bother moving to a suburb neither of us is that excited about when we could seize the opportunity to make a change. We don't have many close friends in the area right now and while I enjoy my job, I think I'll be ready for a change in another year or so. My kids are little, so while it would be an adjustment, I think it would be easier now then 4-5 years down the road.

[Anonymous]

I would not move away from family. I would move to new family friendly suburb with better schools. Once you move, it difficult to move back and every vacation and holiday you will spend traveling back to see family. Get a new job here. You will miss family support. If you get settled in a nice new suburb, you will make friends and have family close by. Good Luck

[Anonymous]

I don’t know but we are in a similar boat. DH wants to move out of DMV, I really like our town but wouldn’t mind a bigger city somewhere with lower cost of living.

[Anonymous]

If you are pretty close to your family, which is sounds like you are based on how often you see them, then living far away can kind of suck. I used to live 3 hours from my parents and siblings when I lived in DC. And although that was "away" it was close enough to drive up for smaller events like a bridal shower or Mother's Day or a graduation if we wished. We always visited for the bigger holidays, no question. My parents would visit us for the kids' birthdays or a random weekend trip. Overall, we probably saw my family 8-10 times per year.

When my kids were elementary age, we moved, and we are now about 7-8 hours away. It is a full day of driving with traffic and stops, so driving up for the weekend is not really an option. We really need to do 3 nights - like driving up Friday and coming home on Monday. Flying is optional but expensive for a family of 5. So basically, we visit twice per year - once in the summer and once at Thanksgiving, and we do an annual family beach trip. We also go in for bigger events like my niece's wedding, but we miss smaller events like my nephew's graduation party.

Parents have been visiting us about 2-3 times per year and usually try to combine them with a special events that are happening in our family like a child's birthday or elementary school graduation. But they also miss out on a lot of our kids' events.

My siblings rarely make the trip. In the 9 years that we've lived here, each sibling has been here 3 times, twice were for special events. So I'd say overall, we see my parents about 6 times per year and my siblings 3-4 times per year, with my family doing the traveling for 3-4 of those times.

As my parents age - they are now in their early 80s - I think all of their trips to visit us are now done. My mother has had recent health issues, and it has been really hard to be away from them during that, and not being able to help out. On the other hand, my kids are older, too (all teenagers), so it's much easier for me to fly up there by myself if needed.

Having said all that, we didn't move here because it was our dream location. We moved here for a job, and as a bonus, my husband's mother lived about an hour away, which was very helpful when she got sick. She has since passed on, and with the job now remote and us getting closer to retirement age, we are currently contemplating moving closer to my family when the last kid graduates high school.

Sorry for the book, this topic has been on my mind a lot lately, and your question brought out my feelings about it. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[Anonymous]

We moved away and felt so left out when everyone got together for random cookouts, birthdays, school events. Many of our new friends in new area had their family close by, so they were not available on holidays when we were alone. I really missed my Mom and my DH missed her too. As time went on, kids did not want to move. Eventually, we did move back after kids were grown. However, it was too late. Cousins all grown up, parents only had a few years left and were were out of the loop. If I had it to do over again and could have looked into the further, I would have stayed within driving distance.

[Anonymous]

What about moving to a new location that is till within driving distance. NC has great towns. Charlottesville. Etc. if one of you had a great job offer there, it might change things but to move away just to “shake things up” flat not being you the benefits you think it will (and will bring lots of downsides).

Or do a house swap and spend the summer there (assuming you can work remotely) and see what you think.

[Anonymous]

You need to stay close to aging parents. Or move them closer to you. Patents are fine until the moment they aren’t. My parents were 3.5 hours away. Then we had a crisis. And I had to be there all the time. I was driving back and forth for 6 months until we moved them closer. It was so stressful for them and us.

Now they are 15 mins away. We’ve had some other health crises and it was so nice to be able to quickly get there, be with that parent at the hospital and still come home.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. These are exactly the kinds of concerns that I want to make sure I have fully thought through before making any decisions. It's really helpful to hear from people who have faced this in the past and can share how it worked out in their case.

Leaving aging parents is probably the thing that worries me the most. One way I've thought about mitigating that is to try and get a house with a mother in law suite or similar set up, so my parents could come down and stay with us for longer periods of time. But I don't think that would work for my ILs, since they really don't travel much at all now and even taking the short plane trip would probably be too much.

[Anonymous]

My maternal grandfather wanted to move away from the family business and fledge his wings. His father shot down the idea. Grandfather always had some regrets, and that influenced how my mom viewed our mobility. My sibling and I both had the freedom to move around, though I did that before settling down and have kids. Once we had kids, we all recognized that it's time to move closer. In our case my parents moved to be near us.

I guess all that to say, it's much harder to move away from family when you have little kids. If there's a strong pull, i.e., a job opportunity that's impossible to pass up, or strong push (boundary issues with family), then the calculation would be different. But in your case, if I understand correctly, you don't have clear jobs lined up, but a desire to move for better schools and more space. Have you searched for these criteria extensively near your family?

Ultimately, you need to do what's best for your nuclear family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. These are exactly the kinds of concerns that I want to make sure I have fully thought through before making any decisions. It's really helpful to hear from people who have faced this in the past and can share how it worked out in their case.

Leaving aging parents is probably the thing that worries me the most. One way I've thought about mitigating that is to try and get a house with a mother in law suite or similar set up, so my parents could come down and stay with us for longer periods of time. But I don't think that would work for my ILs, since they really don't travel much at all now and even taking the short plane trip would probably be too much.

And that doesn’t work for things that crop up suddenly, or require follow ups from specialists in their town. I wouldn’t do this. I think it will go great for five years and terrible for the fifteen years after that.

[Anonymous]

I have to say, don’t do it. If you like your family and/or they are useful, giving that up is a huge loss and I’m not sure much can offset it. I have noticed that friends who live close to family, especially when their kids are little, wildly underestimate how much easier it makes their lives.

Think about travel on holidays, or being alone. Think about emergencies—your or your parents. Especially in more “laid back” areas of the country, most people will have their own families close by and spend holidays/birthdays together. It can be hard to break in.

The absolute best decision we made is to move closer to family.