want to move, but worried about leaving family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the thoughtful replies. These are exactly the kinds of concerns that I want to make sure I have fully thought through before making any decisions. It's really helpful to hear from people who have faced this in the past and can share how it worked out in their case.

Leaving aging parents is probably the thing that worries me the most. One way I've thought about mitigating that is to try and get a house with a mother in law suite or similar set up, so my parents could come down and stay with us for longer periods of time. But I don't think that would work for my ILs, since they really don't travel much at all now and even taking the short plane trip would probably be too much.

In law suite doesn’t help when there is an acute crisis. And if you bring them back to your house to recover (if they are even able to travel that far), you’ll have to get them set up with a whole new set of doctors and therapies. Along with transferring records and medication. Which is a giant PITA.
And at some point, even if they are healthy enough to travel, their age makes them not want to travel. It’s exhausting to pack up, drive/fly and get set up in a new temporary place.

And if you dealing with early stages of dementia, staying with you will be even more difficult because of the new environment. My parents came to visit 2-3 times a year for 8 years before my mom started showing symptoms of early dementia. She’d get confused easily and was more tired when visiting. And wanted to visit less and less.

If you are going to move, figure out how you are going to handle “get here now” emergencies; need you for several month crises; I can no longer live without some support; I need support all the time. My parents are currently at the point that they need a little help 2-3 times a week. But not enough to hire help because there is a 2 or 4 hour minimum. So I run over several times a week to help. And luckily my Dad is tech savvy enough to do online grocery shopping delivery. And can still drive to pick up prescriptions. (And they are living in the Independent Living part of a CCRC that already has support built in.)

Will they hire help when they need it and age in place? Will they go into a retirement community while still Independent Living? Will it be near you or close to where they are now? How will you manage doctor appointments while far away? Sometimes for there routine doctor appointments they need an extra set of eyes and ears to ask the right questions and get the right medication/therapies. How will you handle it when they obviously need to see a doctor, but won’t. My mother fell and was experiencing lots of back pain. But wouldn’t see the doctor about it. I finally had to go over and talk her into seeing the doctor and go to the emergency room. If I wasn’t there, she’d just fight my Dad and stay in pain. (Fractured her L2)

[Anonymous]

I guess I will be one of the few dissenters here. Definitely move! We did and it was one of the best calls we’ve made.

Ours was a fairly drastic move from DC (we have family in close in VA and Philly) to a different continent. DW had an incredible job opportunity overseas and after lots and lots of discussions about leaving the DC area and our family (and friends) who we love, we decided to go for it telling ourselves that we could always come back if it didn’t work out.

We left when our two children we quite young, and now, five years later, we couldn’t be happier that we took the plunge. Aside from not being near family, which is a real loss and trade off, our lives have improved immensely - better school options, minimal commutes, many more very close outdoor activities, just much less expensive. I always thought I liked living in DC until we left but I am so much happier not in DC. We will likely return to the US in the next few years but definitely not back to DC. Shudder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guess I will be one of the few dissenters here. Definitely move! We did and it was one of the best calls we’ve made.

Ours was a fairly drastic move from DC (we have family in close in VA and Philly) to a different continent. DW had an incredible job opportunity overseas and after lots and lots of discussions about leaving the DC area and our family (and friends) who we love, we decided to go for it telling ourselves that we could always come back if it didn’t work out.

We left when our two children we quite young, and now, five years later, we couldn’t be happier that we took the plunge. Aside from not being near family, which is a real loss and trade off, our lives have improved immensely - better school options, minimal commutes, many more very close outdoor activities, just much less expensive. I always thought I liked living in DC until we left but I am so much happier not in DC. We will likely return to the US in the next few years but definitely not back to DC. Shudder.

What country/continent did you move to? Do you still work or just your husband?

[Anonymous]

Are your siblings okay with taking on your parents' needs when they get older? Having gone through this with my own parents, a LOT falls to the siblings who live nearby.

[Anonymous]

For a specific, once in a lifetime type career opportunity, I would do it. Just to chase some notion of excitement/grass is greener type lifestyle change, I would stay put. Having family close-ish by has been so so helpful for me. My mom was 6 hours away and moved 3 hours away a few years ago. She’s been able to come help when I had a medical emergency and had to go to the hospital while DH was out of town for work, when our house flooded in the middle of the night, and several other things of that nature. It’s one thing to ask a neighbor to take the kids for a couple hours while family races into town vs 8+ hours or overnight for someone to book a flight. And then there are the fun little things. My mom has been able to come to ballet recitals, sports, and preschool programs - small things not worth a flight or an all day drive, but totally doable for a quick weekend trip. My ILs are a flight away and they come visit a few times a year, but it’s not the same relationship. It’s also expensive for our family of 5 to fly anywhere, and travel with little kids is a pain, so we don’t get there very often. We haven’t gotten to the age of ailing parents yet, knock on wood that is a while off, but I imagine all the last minute helping in an emergency stuff in reverse will be a huge help.

We bought a house in the suburbs and I was not really excited about it either. I am much more a city person, but it has been great living here. We love our neighbors, the kids have lots of friends to play with all the time. If we had the chance to move to Paris or someplace exciting for a couple years, I’d jump on it. But just to move to a different suburb of a different city for the same suburban life we have here...not worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guess I will be one of the few dissenters here. Definitely move! We did and it was one of the best calls we’ve made.

Ours was a fairly drastic move from DC (we have family in close in VA and Philly) to a different continent. DW had an incredible job opportunity overseas and after lots and lots of discussions about leaving the DC area and our family (and friends) who we love, we decided to go for it telling ourselves that we could always come back if it didn’t work out.

We left when our two children we quite young, and now, five years later, we couldn’t be happier that we took the plunge. Aside from not being near family, which is a real loss and trade off, our lives have improved immensely - better school options, minimal commutes, many more very close outdoor activities, just much less expensive. I always thought I liked living in DC until we left but I am so much happier not in DC. We will likely return to the US in the next few years but definitely not back to DC. Shudder.

What country/continent did you move to? Do you still work or just your husband?

We moved to Pretoria for my wife’s job. I still work but it’s more short term contracts and freelance. I took a massive pay cut but it was worth it for my wife to pursue this job and for our family to try a different and more relaxed lifestyle.

[Anonymous]

Where are you thinking of moving to? That makes a difference in my answer.