Tween coming out
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Anonymous
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My young daughter just came out to me last week. She’s 12. I love her fiercely and want only to be supportive of her. Still, I’m shocked. I didn’t see it coming. She has come out to a few friends and is having only positive reactions from them. I’m so grateful for this. Still, I find myself overwhelmed by sadness. I understand that this is my issue to work through and will not burden my daughter with my sadness. But I can’t stop crying when I am alone. I am very surprised and ashamed of this reaction. My life is enriched by the LGBTQ people in it and I don’t understand why I am reacting this way.
I guess this is directed at parents of LGBTQ children who overcame their negative personal reaction to support their child. I’m resolved to get over it but I’m sad today. |
Anonymous
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I know 2 or 3 girls (my own included) that came out and then changed their minds. I personally wouldn’t take it as a sure thing from a 12 year old.
As for your emotions, you have good intentions. You just need some time to process and that’s normal. |
Anonymous
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You are wise to control your emotions and what you say around your daughter. As an older lesbian, to this day, everyone I know remembers in exquisite detail how their parents reacted when they came out and, where it was negative, it changed their relationships forever. Also, my niece came out as bisexual a while ago and her mom was not supportive. It is the single only time in my life that this particular niece called me. It's a that big of a deal.
I think 12 is young, but some people know at that age. And, I thing that sexuality can be fluid - but not everyone is open to that. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard to know what it means for the future when a 12 year old comes out. |
Anonymous
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I’m gay (been out since college, which is when I realized. My dh swears he knew by age 4 at the latest). Anyhow, it’s okay to be sad and supportive. For her life is just beginning. But you can still mourn the life you thought she’d have even if her new life will be just as good or better.
But like trans people, know that the life you are mourning never in fact existed for her. Nonetheless to you it was real. |
Anonymous
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My daughter (also now 12) came out to us when she was 9. She said she has always known. I do understand that it might change because she is young and sexuality is fluid, but I am also completely supportive.
What has been difficult is that her friends at school were not at all supportive and pretty much shunned her. She was also bullied, and the school did the very least about it they could do while still arguably complying with the law. And this all happened around the same time that our church (United Methodist) decided to split over sexuality. So my sadness comes from the realization that there are people who will reject my daughter just because of who she is. |
Anonymous
| ^^ And not to sound naive -- I have been around the gay community since I was a child and know that homophobia exists. My good childhood friend is trans. But it hits differently when it's your kid. |
Anonymous
Think of it this way. Is it better for her to be unhappily married to a man? or happily married to a woman? Personally, I wouldn't make a big fuss. Your dd's sexuality is just one part of her. I know this is controversial but, I think humans are fluid and she could change her mind. She is only 12. But, if she doesn't that is ok too! She can get married to her partner and have kids! ( if she wants too) No need to be sad. |
Anonymous
Of course you are exactly right. This is OP here. I know this to be true which is why I am so surprised and ashamed of my sadness. Thank you for all of your kind responses. I also understand that sexuality is fluid (and she has said as much, acknowledging that she turn out to be bi or even straight). However, she is choosing to identify as lesbian now and I will absolutely support that. I've just got to get right in my own head and heart. |
Anonymous
| OP, you sound like a good person and a loving parent. I wish you the best in understanding what is going on with you. Don't despair! We are rooting for you! |
Anonymous
| What did she come out as? |
Anonymous
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Did she come out as a lesbian? Honestly I was thrilled when DD came out as a lesbian. I know lesbians struggle in relationships too but if my daughter stays a lesbian, she probably never get date raped, be a victim of domestic violence, or go around trying to get the approval of men who really aren’t that great. I mean I adore my husband and all but sometimes when I look around me I think I got one of the few good men on the planet.
Anyway, the website The Acceptance Project has a lot of really amazing resources. Lots of the stuff feels like it’s being written for not-too-educated homophobic people, but it still has a ton of great information, like dealing with the grief of potentially never having biological grandchildren and stuff. |
Anonymous
You really don’t get the point of the whole make/female thing do you? |
Anonymous
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Outside certain very far out “churches,” a 12 year old has no need of a “sexuality.” The demand that people, and increasingly younger people, pick a side and then define their entire life and personality according to that one small aspect of what makes up a complete person is absolutely pernicious and soul destroying.
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Anonymous
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You’re sad because when you were growing up, you believe/know your life would have been harder than it was if you were an out lesbian. You’re scared that, even though you consciously know the world is changing, things aren’t changing enough and your daughters life will still be hard.
The good news is, OP, that right now you are going to play a *huge* role in how hard or easy her life is - and it sounds like you are on Team Love and Acceptance. Trust me - that’s huge. |
Anonymous
That does indeed sound bad! Luckily that’s not what’s going on when a 12-year old gets a crush on somebody of the same gender. |