Tween coming out

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re sad because when you were growing up, you believe/know your life would have been harder than it was if you were an out lesbian. You’re scared that, even though you consciously know the world is changing, things aren’t changing enough and your daughters life will still be hard.

The good news is, OP, that right now you are going to play a *huge* role in how hard or easy her life is - and it sounds like you are on Team Love and Acceptance. Trust me - that’s huge.

OP here...you sum up my feelings nicely here. Thank you. I also appreciate the recommendation for the Acceptance Project from another PP. I will check that out. We’re a couple weeks out from our discussion. I have relaxed considerably and remain resolved to be supportive of her wherever she lands on this. I’ve actually reflected on my grief, as another poster put it. That was a really helpful observation. It’s made me think about how I have take for granted that my kids’ lives will follow certain paths. These were not conscious thoughts, just assumptions. But of course they’ll choose their own paths.

Anyway, again, thank you for your supportive comments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My young daughter just came out to me last week. She’s 12. I love her fiercely and want only to be supportive of her. Still, I’m shocked. I didn’t see it coming. She has come out to a few friends and is having only positive reactions from them. I’m so grateful for this. Still, I find myself overwhelmed by sadness. I understand that this is my issue to work through and will not burden my daughter with my sadness. But I can’t stop crying when I am alone. I am very surprised and ashamed of this reaction. My life is enriched by the LGBTQ people in it and I don’t understand why I am reacting this way.

I guess this is directed at parents of LGBTQ children who overcame their negative personal reaction to support their child. I’m resolved to get over it but I’m sad today.

OP - I accidentally outed my 13yo DD last summer and I still struggle in all the same ways and yet feel fully supportive. I wish we could meet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My young daughter just came out to me last week. She’s 12. I love her fiercely and want only to be supportive of her. Still, I’m shocked. I didn’t see it coming. She has come out to a few friends and is having only positive reactions from them. I’m so grateful for this. Still, I find myself overwhelmed by sadness. I understand that this is my issue to work through and will not burden my daughter with my sadness. But I can’t stop crying when I am alone. I am very surprised and ashamed of this reaction. My life is enriched by the LGBTQ people in it and I don’t understand why I am reacting this way.

I guess this is directed at parents of LGBTQ children who overcame their negative personal reaction to support their child. I’m resolved to get over it but I’m sad today.

OP - I accidentally outed my 13yo DD last summer and I still struggle in all the same ways and yet feel fully supportive. I wish we could meet.

Hi PP. OP here. I’m thinking of trying a PFLAG meeting sometime. Maybe we’ll meet there — though I’d never admit it because I always deny that I post to DCUM . In all seriousness, I’m sending the best to you and your daughter.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds a bit like your sadness might be less about the fact that she's gay, and more about the fact that she was thinking all this through and you were unaware?

Suggesting only because it might help if you are able to name precisely what you're sad about.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think it’s ok to let yourself feel sad. I certainly did when my daughter came out to us. You want your child to have a happy life, not to have extra obstacles in their way, or have people view them as lesser. So you have to grapple with that, and that takes time. PFLAG is a great idea. It’s incredibly helpful to hear directly from parents who have walked this path before you. I spent so much time feeling upset with myself for feeling sad. Now I’ve come to accept my own reaction, even as I try to shelf it completely in my interactions with my daughter so that she doesn’t have to deal with my sadness, in addition to dealing with her own issues.

[Anonymous]

Op, I found out a year ago that my son is bi. He hasn’t come out yet and doesn’t know that I know. I cried and cried for weeks, and I also felt extremely ashamed for being sad. But then I learned that it is a completely normal reaction. I was sad that he will face struggles. His life won’t be the movie reel that has played in my head when I picture his future. He has been keeping this inside for a few years now and I had no idea. These are the things that made me sad. I love him and want him to be happy. Feel all your feelings, but showcher nothing but love and support. It gets easier with time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Outside certain very far out “churches,” a 12 year old has no need of a “sexuality.” The demand that people, and increasingly younger people, pick a side and then define their entire life and personality according to that one small aspect of what makes up a complete person is absolutely pernicious and soul destroying.

I tend to agree with this. I am Gen X, and we were all about experimenting and avoiding labels. This generation is the opposite. They have these elaborate terms and labels and feel the need to have it all figured out before high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are wise to control your emotions and what you say around your daughter. As an older lesbian, to this day, everyone I know remembers in exquisite detail how their parents reacted when they came out and, where it was negative, it changed their relationships forever. Also, my niece came out as bisexual a while ago and her mom was not supportive. It is the single only time in my life that this particular niece called me. It's a that big of a deal.

I think 12 is young, but some people know at that age. And, I thing that sexuality can be fluid - but not everyone is open to that. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard to know what it means for the future when a 12 year old comes out.

Does anyone ever consider that parents are people too and are entitled to shock, sadness, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wise to control your emotions and what you say around your daughter. As an older lesbian, to this day, everyone I know remembers in exquisite detail how their parents reacted when they came out and, where it was negative, it changed their relationships forever. Also, my niece came out as bisexual a while ago and her mom was not supportive. It is the single only time in my life that this particular niece called me. It's a that big of a deal.

I think 12 is young, but some people know at that age. And, I thing that sexuality can be fluid - but not everyone is open to that. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard to know what it means for the future when a 12 year old comes out.

Does anyone ever consider that parents are people too and are entitled to shock, sadness, etc?

Actually no. The only reason to be shocked, sad, etc., is if being gay is some sort of defect. And, it isn't. So, if they want to be shocked, sad, etc. and convey that to their child, then they deserve the repercussions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outside certain very far out “churches,” a 12 year old has no need of a “sexuality.” The demand that people, and increasingly younger people, pick a side and then define their entire life and personality according to that one small aspect of what makes up a complete person is absolutely pernicious and soul destroying.

I tend to agree with this. I am Gen X, and we were all about experimenting and avoiding labels. This generation is the opposite. They have these elaborate terms and labels and feel the need to have it all figured out before high school.

I’m the mother of a kid that came out as bi at 12. I completely agree with you, but it’s not us adults forcing them to label, they’re sorting themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wise to control your emotions and what you say around your daughter. As an older lesbian, to this day, everyone I know remembers in exquisite detail how their parents reacted when they came out and, where it was negative, it changed their relationships forever. Also, my niece came out as bisexual a while ago and her mom was not supportive. It is the single only time in my life that this particular niece called me. It's a that big of a deal.

I think 12 is young, but some people know at that age. And, I thing that sexuality can be fluid - but not everyone is open to that. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard to know what it means for the future when a 12 year old comes out.

Does anyone ever consider that parents are people too and are entitled to shock, sadness, etc?

Actually no. The only reason to be shocked, sad, etc., is if being gay is some sort of defect. And, it isn't. So, if they want to be shocked, sad, etc. and convey that to their child, then they deserve the repercussions.

Only one side is entitled to human emotion. The other side must be dehumanized. Sounds like something I read about in the 40s

[Anonymous]

Y’all, 12 year olds are not kindergartners. Many kids (and maybe most girls) are going through or have gone through puberty and have sexual feelings. Maybe there is no *need* or a label but grown ups have decided there is such a thing as straight, gay, bi, etc., so why wouldn’t a kid decide they belong in one of those groups?

Also it’s really not a bad thing. My child is gay and they have found a really great group of friends in their GSA club at school. It’s not the life I imagined for my kid but it’s fun to see kids get so excited about service projects and socially distanced chats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outside certain very far out “churches,” a 12 year old has no need of a “sexuality.” The demand that people, and increasingly younger people, pick a side and then define their entire life and personality according to that one small aspect of what makes up a complete person is absolutely pernicious and soul destroying.

I tend to agree with this. I am Gen X, and we were all about experimenting and avoiding labels. This generation is the opposite. They have these elaborate terms and labels and feel the need to have it all figured out before high school.

I’m the mother of a kid that came out as bi at 12. I completely agree with you, but it’s not us adults forcing them to label, they’re sorting themselves.

But, they are very flexible with their labels, often trying out new ones. I'm also a "don't feel like I need a label/don't feel like labels fit" Gen-xer, but I feel like the kids are doing really well with their explorations of gender and sexuality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wise to control your emotions and what you say around your daughter. As an older lesbian, to this day, everyone I know remembers in exquisite detail how their parents reacted when they came out and, where it was negative, it changed their relationships forever. Also, my niece came out as bisexual a while ago and her mom was not supportive. It is the single only time in my life that this particular niece called me. It's a that big of a deal.

I think 12 is young, but some people know at that age. And, I thing that sexuality can be fluid - but not everyone is open to that. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard to know what it means for the future when a 12 year old comes out.

Does anyone ever consider that parents are people too and are entitled to shock, sadness, etc?

Actually no. The only reason to be shocked, sad, etc., is if being gay is some sort of defect. And, it isn't. So, if they want to be shocked, sad, etc. and convey that to their child, then they deserve the repercussions.

Sorry, I gave birth to a boy and if that boy tells me he’s really a girl, I’m going to be shocked and saddened.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Outside certain very far out “churches,” a 12 year old has no need of a “sexuality.” The demand that people, and increasingly younger people, pick a side and then define their entire life and personality according to that one small aspect of what makes up a complete person is absolutely pernicious and soul destroying.

I tend to agree with this. I am Gen X, and we were all about experimenting and avoiding labels. This generation is the opposite. They have these elaborate terms and labels and feel the need to have it all figured out before high school.

I’m the mother of a kid that came out as bi at 12. I completely agree with you, but it’s not us adults forcing them to label, they’re sorting themselves.

Sure it is! Maybe not you but they are learning this stuff somewhere (hint: school, internet from adults)