Tween coming out

[Anonymous]

There is no need for a 12 year old to label herself as any sort of sexual being.

Maybe I'm Gen X and that is coloring my perception, but many of my friends had to experiment for a while to figure things out. In this day and age, there is no need for a child to "come out" unless they are being pressured to date or have sex with the opposite sex.

[Anonymous]

What thought makes you the most sad?

When I was younger it made me sad that:
1) gay people couldn't marry
2) unlikely they would have kids
3) those that had families would have to hide

I'm younger (36) every single gay friend that didn't come out in college is out, married, has a family and wildly happy & successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no need for a 12 year old to label herself as any sort of sexual being.

Maybe I'm Gen X and that is coloring my perception, but many of my friends had to experiment for a while to figure things out. In this day and age, there is no need for a child to "come out" unless they are being pressured to date or have sex with the opposite sex.

This. I'm.a similar age, and while I would be supportive, I would not assume this will.be her truth for the rest of her life. It's best not to base your life around what you think you want at 12.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I found out a year ago that my son is bi. He hasn’t come out yet and doesn’t know that I know. I cried and cried for weeks, and I also felt extremely ashamed for being sad. But then I learned that it is a completely normal reaction. I was sad that he will face struggles. His life won’t be the movie reel that has played in my head when I picture his future. He has been keeping this inside for a few years now and I had no idea. These are the things that made me sad. I love him and want him to be happy. Feel all your feelings, but showcher nothing but love and support. It gets easier with time.

Gay man here. 44 y/o. Been out since the late 90s. Just so you know the struggles you are worried about isn’t what is going through his mind. From his perception life until know was a struggle. Coming out is for many a struggle. Being out is liberating. It is literally the “it gets better” part.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know 2 or 3 girls (my own included) that came out and then changed their minds. I personally wouldn’t take it as a sure thing from a 12 year old.
As for your emotions, you have good intentions. You just need some time to process and that’s normal.

So when your 12 year old tells you they are attracted to the opposite sex, you say "oh, you'll change your mind," right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wise to control your emotions and what you say around your daughter. As an older lesbian, to this day, everyone I know remembers in exquisite detail how their parents reacted when they came out and, where it was negative, it changed their relationships forever. Also, my niece came out as bisexual a while ago and her mom was not supportive. It is the single only time in my life that this particular niece called me. It's a that big of a deal.

I think 12 is young, but some people know at that age. And, I thing that sexuality can be fluid - but not everyone is open to that. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard to know what it means for the future when a 12 year old comes out.

Does anyone ever consider that parents are people too and are entitled to shock, sadness, etc?

Actually no. The only reason to be shocked, sad, etc., is if being gay is some sort of defect. And, it isn't. So, if they want to be shocked, sad, etc. and convey that to their child, then they deserve the repercussions.

Sorry, I gave birth to a boy and if that boy tells me he’s really a girl, I’m going to be shocked and saddened.

You...you do understand that we're talking about being gay and gay is not the same as transgender, right? Just checking, because you sound profoundly ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I found out a year ago that my son is bi. He hasn’t come out yet and doesn’t know that I know. I cried and cried for weeks, and I also felt extremely ashamed for being sad. But then I learned that it is a completely normal reaction. I was sad that he will face struggles. His life won’t be the movie reel that has played in my head when I picture his future. He has been keeping this inside for a few years now and I had no idea. These are the things that made me sad. I love him and want him to be happy. Feel all your feelings, but showcher nothing but love and support. It gets easier with time.

Gay man here. 44 y/o. Been out since the late 90s. Just so you know the struggles you are worried about isn’t what is going through his mind. From his perception life until know was a struggle. Coming out is for many a struggle. Being out is liberating. It is literally the “it gets better” part.

NP. Thank you for this post. This is an important insight. It is illuminating and beautifully said. Really, thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no need for a 12 year old to label herself as any sort of sexual being.

Maybe I'm Gen X and that is coloring my perception, but many of my friends had to experiment for a while to figure things out. In this day and age, there is no need for a child to "come out" unless they are being pressured to date or have sex with the opposite sex.

I agree but it seems like common sense is out of vogue nowadays

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wise to control your emotions and what you say around your daughter. As an older lesbian, to this day, everyone I know remembers in exquisite detail how their parents reacted when they came out and, where it was negative, it changed their relationships forever. Also, my niece came out as bisexual a while ago and her mom was not supportive. It is the single only time in my life that this particular niece called me. It's a that big of a deal.

I think 12 is young, but some people know at that age. And, I thing that sexuality can be fluid - but not everyone is open to that. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard to know what it means for the future when a 12 year old comes out.

Does anyone ever consider that parents are people too and are entitled to shock, sadness, etc?

Actually no. The only reason to be shocked, sad, etc., is if being gay is some sort of defect. And, it isn't. So, if they want to be shocked, sad, etc. and convey that to their child, then they deserve the repercussions.

Sorry, I gave birth to a boy and if that boy tells me he’s really a girl, I’m going to be shocked and saddened.

You...you do understand that we're talking about being gay and gay is not the same as transgender, right? Just checking, because you sound profoundly ignorant.

No, to kids these days, they are interrelated. To say otherwise is ignorant. Not profoundly ignorant, just ordinarily ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are wise to control your emotions and what you say around your daughter. As an older lesbian, to this day, everyone I know remembers in exquisite detail how their parents reacted when they came out and, where it was negative, it changed their relationships forever. Also, my niece came out as bisexual a while ago and her mom was not supportive. It is the single only time in my life that this particular niece called me. It's a that big of a deal.

I think 12 is young, but some people know at that age. And, I thing that sexuality can be fluid - but not everyone is open to that. So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's hard to know what it means for the future when a 12 year old comes out.

Does anyone ever consider that parents are people too and are entitled to shock, sadness, etc?

Actually no. The only reason to be shocked, sad, etc., is if being gay is some sort of defect. And, it isn't. So, if they want to be shocked, sad, etc. and convey that to their child, then they deserve the repercussions.

Sorry, I gave birth to a boy and if that boy tells me he’s really a girl, I’m going to be shocked and saddened.

You...you do understand that we're talking about being gay and gay is not the same as transgender, right? Just checking, because you sound profoundly ignorant.

No, to kids these days, they are interrelated. To say otherwise is ignorant. Not profoundly ignorant, just ordinarily ignorant.

You are wrong. Gender and sexuality are entirely separate. They are related to kids today in that they don’t feel bound to their parents restricted understanding of them but they are unrelated in the sense that sexuality has nothing to do with gender and vice versa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is no need for a 12 year old to label herself as any sort of sexual being.

Maybe I'm Gen X and that is coloring my perception, but many of my friends had to experiment for a while to figure things out. In this day and age, there is no need for a child to "come out" unless they are being pressured to date or have sex with the opposite sex.

Agree. It’s trendy now to “come out”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is no need for a 12 year old to label herself as any sort of sexual being.

Maybe I'm Gen X and that is coloring my perception, but many of my friends had to experiment for a while to figure things out. In this day and age, there is no need for a child to "come out" unless they are being pressured to date or have sex with the opposite sex.

Agree. It’s trendy now to “come out”.

Oh please. Kids want to be their authentic selves. They don't want to have to sneak around. They want to be able to go on a date and not have a bunch of questions if that person happens to be the same sex. Kids know early on who they're attracted to... you just want to go back to the don't ask, don't tell era.

[Anonymous]

Not sure if OP is still reading this, since it was first posted a bit ago, but I had a very similar reaction when my daughter came out at 10. I thought, surely this is just a phase, etc. and I was sad, despite literally being surrounded by LGBTQ folks at work, and I consider myself an ally.

She has remained very true to her coming out, and 2.5 years later, still very much "out" and not wavering. What changed for me/us is that because she was out, we talked about it. So now, I hear about her celebrity crushes, who she thinks is cute, etc. like any mom would hear; they're "just" all girls. So once I started to talk with her more, it just became who she is. Just the other day she said, "I don't know if I ever want kids, but if I do, I really don't want to actually be pregnant" and without missing a beat I said, "well, you'll have that choice in whatever relationship you're in, you two can figure out who's going to carry a kid if you want to have one" and it was just so normal.

But it took time. It did take time to solidify it all in my head, but once done, not a problem. I might have "issues" if she does in fact end up with a boy/man!!! I'll have to redo my thinking there! But I don't see that happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she come out as a lesbian? Honestly I was thrilled when DD came out as a lesbian. I know lesbians struggle in relationships too but if my daughter stays a lesbian, she probably never get date raped, be a victim of domestic violence, or go around trying to get the approval of men who really aren’t that great. I mean I adore my husband and all but sometimes when I look around me I think I got one of the few good men on the planet.

Anyway, the website The Acceptance Project has a lot of really amazing resources. Lots of the stuff feels like it’s being written for not-too-educated homophobic people, but it still has a ton of great information, like dealing with the grief of potentially never having biological grandchildren and stuff.

Very false thinking.

[Anonymous]

Do you know if it weren’t for every other 13-year-old girl (including my own) coming out, I would be a lot more supportive. Girls like girls are that age. You know, before anyone is actually having sex. If it were a bit coming out, I’d be more supportive. Many of these girls are suffering from social contagion. Not all, but many. Biologically, I fail to accept that 30% of girls are gay and trans. That’s the breakdown of my daughter’s friends. Big eye roll here.