If your spouse is verbally abusive and the kids are watching

[Anonymous]

If your spouse is verbally abusive to you, in the presence of your kids, and you chose not to leave, what is the best way to respond? Walk away? Respond in kind? Placate?

[Anonymous]

It's going to mess up your kids to watch that and no response will change that.

If you are absolutely set on not leaving, at the very first sign of it starting I would say something like "Your tone/language is unacceptable and I will not be spoken to like this. I am going to do [something else in a different room] and we can have this conversation when you calm down and can speak to me with respect."

[Anonymous]

"you do not get to speak to me like that. I'm removing myself from the situation and will talk to you when you treat me with respect". But honestly, if you're not leaving and the behavior isn't changing, your words don't really mean much. Youre still showing their behavior is acceptable and deserves no severe consequences.

[Anonymous]

I left. One of us was going to wind up dead eventually if we didn't break up. The kids were so relieved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's going to mess up your kids to watch that and no response will change that.

If you are absolutely set on not leaving, at the very first sign of it starting I would say something like "Your tone/language is unacceptable and I will not be spoken to like this. I am going to do [something else in a different room] and we can have this conversation when you calm down and can speak to me with respect."

Let’s say this happens at the dinner table, do you take the kids with you? Leave them there with him? Let them choose?

Kids are tweens if that makes a difference.

—OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I left. One of us was going to wind up dead eventually if we didn't break up. The kids were so relieved.

Did you get full custody?
—OP

[Anonymous]

I know two couples who divorced when they had kids in their 10-14 year range. The kids were sad but happy the fighting stopped. I do believe it's easier on older kids IF THE PARENTS are good at co-parenting and not at each other throats.

[Anonymous]

My husband is occasionally verbally abusive when he's triggered, and when that happens, he starts saying ridiculous things and makes financial threats/confiscates things, targeting our teen and I (not our youngest). I always defend my teen (he's never at fault and never starts a fight), and I always defend myself. I cannot divorce - he would want partial custody and he looks very good on paper, and I would not be able to protect my children. He is incredibly punitive and hyper-controlling, and a divorce would send him over the edge in terms of what he'd be willing to pay for college, or helping the children beyond basic care.

My kids understand he is abusive, and understand that until they are independent from him, they have to manage this person. We have had long conversations about not letting this bad example weigh on their future relationships, professional or private. It's very easy to choose partners like that, or start yelling yourself, when your parent behaves like this. Even though you know it's not right, it's a pattern that is familiar. I can only hope that my example counterbalances this. I have a strong bond of trust with my children, and they always come to me for advice and support.

This only works because my husband is perfectly calm most of the time. If he were out of his mind half the time, we'd leave, of course, not matter the cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to mess up your kids to watch that and no response will change that.

If you are absolutely set on not leaving, at the very first sign of it starting I would say something like "Your tone/language is unacceptable and I will not be spoken to like this. I am going to do [something else in a different room] and we can have this conversation when you calm down and can speak to me with respect."

Let’s say this happens at the dinner table, do you take the kids with you? Leave them there with him? Let them choose?

Kids are tweens if that makes a difference.

—OP

PP here. I really can't stress enough that you need to think about the example you are setting for them. An uncle of mine is like this and the kids' mother did nothing their whole lives except tip-toe around their father to avoid 'triggering' him, and try to keep him happy/placated. I'm quite close with the kids (my cousins), and they want nothing to do with their parents. They blame their father for obvious reasons but also blame their mother for not standing up against him, for allowing it to go on, etc. Please think about what you are doing to your kids by staying. Have you been to couples therapy? Does he realize he is being abusive? Does he care?

If it happened at the table I would turn around what I said and ask him to leave, something like "Your tone/language is unacceptable and I will not be spoken to like this. Please go eat your dinner in the living room/office/kitchen (another room) until you can calm down and speak to me with respect." If he refused, I would remove myself from the situation and tell the kids they were excused.

As another person said, stay completely calm if you can. Do not react other than to tell him that it is unacceptable and shut it down, do not engage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know two couples who divorced when they had kids in their 10-14 year range. The kids were sad but happy the fighting stopped. I do believe it's easier on older kids IF THE PARENTS are good at co-parenting and not at each other throats.

OP here,

I can guarantee that right now, while DH seems to be having an episode of mental illness, he would not be capable of co-parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's going to mess up your kids to watch that and no response will change that.

If you are absolutely set on not leaving, at the very first sign of it starting I would say something like "Your tone/language is unacceptable and I will not be spoken to like this. I am going to do [something else in a different room] and we can have this conversation when you calm down and can speak to me with respect."

Let’s say this happens at the dinner table, do you take the kids with you? Leave them there with him? Let them choose?

Kids are tweens if that makes a difference.

—OP

PP here. I really can't stress enough that you need to think about the example you are setting for them. An uncle of mine is like this and the kids' mother did nothing their whole lives except tip-toe around their father to avoid 'triggering' him, and try to keep him happy/placated. I'm quite close with the kids (my cousins), and they want nothing to do with their parents. They blame their father for obvious reasons but also blame their mother for not standing up against him, for allowing it to go on, etc. Please think about what you are doing to your kids by staying. Have you been to couples therapy? Does he realize he is being abusive? Does he care?

If it happened at the table I would turn around what I said and ask him to leave, something like "Your tone/language is unacceptable and I will not be spoken to like this. Please go eat your dinner in the living room/office/kitchen (another room) until you can calm down and speak to me with respect." If he refused, I would remove myself from the situation and tell the kids they were excused.

As another person said, stay completely calm if you can. Do not react other than to tell him that it is unacceptable and shut it down, do not engage.

We are in counseling, and he sees a psychiatrist who thinks this is a temporary reaction to a medication. I don't think that he understands that his behavior is abusive.

I can not imagine him moving to eat somewhere else in that situation.

[Anonymous]

Are you the woman married to the guy with hallucinations?

[Anonymous]

So he's having a medical issue that's causing him to lash out vs being an abusive jerk? In that case, I would tell him when he's being a jerk and how he's being a jerk. If he can't stop, then remove yourself. Or, if this is just a Waiting game until the meds are out of his system, you all just avoid each other the best you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the woman married to the guy with hallucinations?

No, my DH doesn’t hallucinate.