Reply to If your spouse is verbally abusive and the kids are watching

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]It's going to mess up your kids to watch that and no response will change that.

If you are absolutely set on not leaving, at the very first sign of it starting I would say something like "Your tone/language is unacceptable and I will not be spoken to like this. I am going to do [something else in a different room] and we can have this conversation when you calm down and can speak to me with respect." [/quote]

Let’s say this happens at the dinner table, do you take the kids with you?  Leave them there with him? Let them choose?

Kids are tweens if that makes a difference.

—OP[/quote]

PP here. I really can't stress enough that you need to think about the example you are setting for them. An uncle of mine is like this and the kids' mother did nothing their whole lives except tip-toe around their father to avoid 'triggering' him, and try to keep him happy/placated. I'm quite close with the kids (my cousins), and they want nothing to do with their parents. They blame their father for obvious reasons but also blame their mother for not standing up against him, for allowing it to go on, etc. Please think about what you are doing to your kids by staying. Have you been to couples therapy? Does he realize he is being abusive? Does he care?

If it happened at the table I would turn around what I said and ask him to leave, something like "Your tone/language is unacceptable and I will not be spoken to like this. Please go eat your dinner in the living room/office/kitchen (another room) until you can calm down and speak to me with respect." If he refused, I would remove myself from the situation and tell the kids they were excused.

As another person said, stay completely calm if you can. Do not react other than to tell him that it is unacceptable and shut it down, do not engage.
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