dealing with a friend's jealous streak

[Anonymous]

How would you handle someone who you've seen as a good friend but once in a while, a jealous, almost indignant streak emerges, and you really don't even understand why they're acting that way. I have a friend who really has a nice life, a great husband, has traveled the world, but lately, and I don't know if it has to do with pandemic misery, when I share something positive her tone shifts. I think she's always been this way on some level. For example, my husband did some nice yardwork over the past few months and I told her and added, we can't wait to have you over for dinner to see it. And instead, she responded with something about how expensive and time-consuming yard work can be. Um, ok. I didn't say we just reconstructed the gardens at Versailles here. Another time, I mentioned finally getting a hair cut, and again, a kinda negative comment. I got a hair cut, it's conversation. Frederick Fakkai didn't just show up at my door. Jeez. Should I just let it go? And really, I don't see myself as someone who has had it easy peasy all my life. This past year has been awful for all of us.

[Anonymous]

I have a friend like that. Sort of a Debbie Downer attitude combined with “Woe is me.” No advice, I just limit contact.

[Anonymous]

I've really had to think about this over the years of my life, OP. I was always taught to be a good friend, but never taught how to *choose* good friends. I wanted to teach my DDs to choose wisely, too. I'm 55 now, and this is where I settled:

A "True" friend is not competitive with you. A True friend is protective of you. And actively protective, not passive.

This is how you find out if your friend is True: You wait, over time, for something good to happen to you, or something bad to happen to you.

When something good happens to you: Who is cheering for you, who is jealous, and who has suddenly disappeared?

When something bad happens to you: Who is helping you up, who is smirking with Schadenfreude, and who has suddenly disappeared?

I know there are great qualities about your friend, which is why you are friends in the first place. But you need to realize that she is not a "true" friend. Her own limitations (which are, competativeness which creates jealousy) is stopping the two of you from becomming true friends, and that is not going to change. So enjoy her for who she is, in the full recognition of who she is and who she is not. Don't delude yourself that she is not competitive, so you can just accept that you must keep some distance to protect yourself.

And with that clarity, you can open up a little space for someone else to enter your life, who may end up being a true friend.

HTH, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've really had to think about this over the years of my life, OP. I was always taught to be a good friend, but never taught how to *choose* good friends. I wanted to teach my DDs to choose wisely, too. I'm 55 now, and this is where I settled:

A "True" friend is not competitive with you. A True friend is protective of you. And actively protective, not passive.

This is how you find out if your friend is True: You wait, over time, for something good to happen to you, or something bad to happen to you.

When something good happens to you: Who is cheering for you, who is jealous, and who has suddenly disappeared?

When something bad happens to you: Who is helping you up, who is smirking with Schadenfreude, and who has suddenly disappeared?

I know there are great qualities about your friend, which is why you are friends in the first place. But you need to realize that she is not a "true" friend. Her own limitations (which are, competativeness which creates jealousy) is stopping the two of you from becomming true friends, and that is not going to change. So enjoy her for who she is, in the full recognition of who she is and who she is not. Don't delude yourself that she is not competitive, so you can just accept that you must keep some distance to protect yourself.

And with that clarity, you can open up a little space for someone else to enter your life, who may end up being a true friend.

HTH, OP.

OP here. Thanks for these wise thoughts. This really helps. I have to say I've been surprised by how this friend behaves. We're both older in our late 40s, early 50s. At this point, it should be a given that life is full of ups and downs. I've usually associated jealousy with teenagers. I've witnessed a little Schadenfreude, too, from her, i.e. snarky comments about other women who had something unfortunate happen. I really don't get it. Maybe she is really unhappy deep down. I know she's had some bad times over the years. I didn't even realize she was in a competition. Sigh. It's disappointing.

[Anonymous]

If it's once in a while and she's otherwise a good friend, let it go. No one is perfect. People have bad days. It might have very little to do with you. It's nice when our friends extend us a little grace.

She's not actively tearing you down or reveling in your misery, she's making slightly negative comments sometimes about little things. I don't even see the comments you gave as examples as especially competitive.

[Anonymous]

If she is a good friend that you value, I'd try digging into what is going on with her, "sometimes you say things that sound like you are really unhappy, do you want to talk about it?" I know I've been through tough times that have brought out the worst in my personality and I"ve seen friends go through the same.

[Anonymous]

OP, if this is a normal thing, let the friendship fade. It's stressful and a wadte of time. Staying in amd being the good friend finally ended a few times with, I can't be around you-just your existence mames me feel bad (they were insecure about weight) or turms into a never-ending cycle of Dr.Jekyll and Mr.Hyde behavior depending on if they feel they are more "up" than me.

Life is short. You can ask her what the problem is, tolerate her shoddy behavior or move on. It's her problem though so don't blame yourself. Just don't be her punching bag anymore. Real friends have more respect for one another.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think she is jealous, maybe just an Eyore? If you are inclined, try to try the conversation around. Ask her what has been happening with her and her family? Talk about the great weather, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP you can’t control how your friend feels. If her comments make you uncomfortable, you can choose to talk to her less or share less of your good news with her. If you were very close friends, I’d suggest talking to her directly about it and just being honest, and see if she can talk about why she is responding the way she is. But the way you talk about it, I don’t get the sense that you care that much why she us doing this, just that you don’t like it.

I will note that you read this as jealousy but it may be more complex than that. To say it’s just jealousy is a simple explanation that probably makes you feel good, because it makes these uncomfortable interactions her “fault” while also making you a person worthy of jealousy. But most of the time, it’s more complicated. You may not realize how much you are talking about yourself in conversation. Or perhaps your friend is dealing with something difficult and feels you aren’t listening. Maybe she has pandemic fatigue and resents that you seem to have none. There’s a lot of nuance that is missing from your description. “She’s just jealous” is something women say about other women when they don’t want to dig deeper. It’s self-aggrandizing and exculpating. But it’s almost never the whole story. If you are really friends, and really care about each other, I would dig a lot deeper.

[Anonymous]

Hey, OP, just a few things to consider: Is she in perimenopause? Has she hit her COVID wall? Could there be something difficult going on in her life that she hasn't told you?

Not condoning her attitude, just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think it’s jealousy, OP. It’s that she sees the glass half empty all the time. Nothing against you in particular.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you can’t control how your friend feels. If her comments make you uncomfortable, you can choose to talk to her less or share less of your good news with her. If you were very close friends, I’d suggest talking to her directly about it and just being honest, and see if she can talk about why she is responding the way she is. But the way you talk about it, I don’t get the sense that you care that much why she us doing this, just that you don’t like it.

I will note that you read this as jealousy but it may be more complex than that. To say it’s just jealousy is a simple explanation that probably makes you feel good, because it makes these uncomfortable interactions her “fault” while also making you a person worthy of jealousy. But most of the time, it’s more complicated. You may not realize how much you are talking about yourself in conversation. Or perhaps your friend is dealing with something difficult and feels you aren’t listening. Maybe she has pandemic fatigue and resents that you seem to have none. There’s a lot of nuance that is missing from your description. “She’s just jealous” is something women say about other women when they don’t want to dig deeper. It’s self-aggrandizing and exculpating. But it’s almost never the whole story. If you are really friends, and really care about each other, I would dig a lot deeper.

I agree. People say this, and it's almost never the whole truth -- or even the truth at all. But it makes you feel better to think this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think she is jealous, maybe just an Eyore? If you are inclined, try to try the conversation around. Ask her what has been happening with her and her family? Talk about the great weather, etc.

+1. Ask how she feels about something, anything. Listen. See if you can make a normal comment after and whether she is a little less cranky.