Why am I so triggered by my child's anxious behaviors?

[Anonymous]

I have an uncontrollable irritation/anger reaction to certain situations when my 9yo does certain things that I know that logically shouldn't bother me so much. For example - asking me over and again if it's ok to eat something, like a treat, in this high mouse-like voice. I end up snapping at her and say "Why do you keep asking me over and over again, I said YES!" And similar situations where she keeps checking with me if something is ok. And also I have a similar reaction from watching her with her new pet - she is so nervous around her pet, and her voice gets high and nervous, and at the same time she OBSESSES over the pet and is way too overbearing on the pet, and can't leave it alone, and I just want to tell her to CHILL the F OUT. I almost have to leave the room because it irritates me so much.

I want to know - WHY I'm feeling this way, HOW do I stop feeling this way, and also WHAT is the appropriate response to my child when she gets in these anxious states?

My sense is that it must be related to a similar reaction I have to my mom who has had severe anxiety all her life. She's an obsessive worrier and none of it is logical and I especially cannot handle it when that anxiety is focused on something about me or my children.

[Anonymous]

It’s good that you’re self-aware enough to know you shouldn’t be snapping at her (and that her behavior is anxiety related). I have a very anxious kid, too, and she’s in therapy. Therapy for you might be the best place to start. An good therapist can teach you how to use cognitive behavioral therapy to train yourself to react in a more productive way.

I used to react in extremely counter productive ways to DD’s anxiety. Therapy really helped.

[Anonymous]

Did you ever think you are part of the reason your child is anxious?
You can't chill the eff out about this, but your kid should?
Is your kid in therapy and on meds?
If the answer is no, why not?
Why are you not seeking therapy too?

[Anonymous]

I used to snap at my kid when his anxiety was high. I finally realized that it was easier to be angry then to recognize that I was really sad and scared. Anger is an easy emotion. I agree that it is particularly triggering for you most likely due to your history with your mother and would recommend therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever think you are part of the reason your child is anxious?
You can't chill the eff out about this, but your kid should?
Is your kid in therapy and on meds?
If the answer is no, why not?
Why are you not seeking therapy too?

Wow, what a helpful answer for someone who is asking for help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever think you are part of the reason your child is anxious?
You can't chill the eff out about this, but your kid should?
Is your kid in therapy and on meds?
If the answer is no, why not?
Why are you not seeking therapy too?

Yes, of course I have. I know most of the problem must be with me - I want to figure it out and do better.

I don't think my child's anxiety is serious enough to require meds or therapy. I know therapy would help me, and I've had some in the past, but frankly it is expensive, and it is so hard to find a good one. Perhaps I'm just procrastinating and making excuses.

[Anonymous]

FYI it sounds like your child could possibly have ocd (excessive/repeated reassurance seeking is a common symptom.) if that’s the case you shouldn’t snap but you also shouldn’t repeatedly reassure. In any case I would describe it in detail to her doctor. The more you reassure in ocd the stronger the pattern becomes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FYI it sounds like your child could possibly have ocd (excessive/repeated reassurance seeking is a common symptom.) if that’s the case you shouldn’t snap but you also shouldn’t repeatedly reassure. In any case I would describe it in detail to her doctor. The more you reassure in ocd the stronger the pattern becomes.

My thoughts exactly. But pediatricians aren't always great with mental health, so I'd consider asking for a referral as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever think you are part of the reason your child is anxious?
You can't chill the eff out about this, but your kid should?
Is your kid in therapy and on meds?
If the answer is no, why not?
Why are you not seeking therapy too?

Wow, what a helpful answer for someone who is asking for help!

It is helpful! Unless you are a raging douche that is op. I have a DS with insane anxiety, I know that the worst thing in the world for a child like that is a parent who is yelling and snapping. The kid literally lives in extreme fear in their own house. Think about that!
That kid thinks her mom and her home are a minefield of grenades all about to explode.
This is how my DS used to describe entering his school: Everyone is looking at me, I am not safe, one step and I will be attacked. You want a kid to act like they have PTSD? Keep yelling!

[Anonymous]

OP, I just nicely but firmly say something like...”I’m not going to answer that question anymore.” Or, “you need to make that decision for yourself.” “That’s a choice for you to make.” This has been successful in giving them more confidence and agency. Hope this helps, good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you ever think you are part of the reason your child is anxious?
You can't chill the eff out about this, but your kid should?
Is your kid in therapy and on meds?
If the answer is no, why not?
Why are you not seeking therapy too?

Yes, of course I have. I know most of the problem must be with me - I want to figure it out and do better.

I don't think my child's anxiety is serious enough to require meds or therapy. I know therapy would help me, and I've had some in the past, but frankly it is expensive, and it is so hard to find a good one. Perhaps I'm just procrastinating and making excuses.

Thanks for replying. Understanding anxiety when you don't have it is very hard, maybe even impossible. Same way as you can't understand why does it bother you, a person with anxiety can't help it. The world is dangerous to them. She likely, truly, 100% cannot chill, at all. Not that she doesn't want to, the train of thought, doubt, is so strong that she can't help it at all. You snap, then she gets the proof of how dangerous the house, actions, words are. Hence she exhibits more fear and more anxious behaviors. It is a vicious cycle.
When my ds was even 5 (selective mutism) he was on a tiny dose of prozac, it did wonders for him. Dr. Eliza Shipon Bloom advocates that a tiny dose of it can help rewire the brain at a young age and hence eliminate anxiety in your kids.
Of course, I am not suggesting you do that, your kid is your and mine is mine, I am just telling you what worked for DS.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s great you are asking why you feel this way and what you can do about it. My own mother used to yell at me for stuff like that all the time and I have some very awful memories of it, and it contributed to very low self esteem as an adult. So just the fact that you’re aware and trying to fix is great.

The first thing I would say is that while some of this sounds like anxiety behavior (the repetition), some of this sounds like just normal annoying kid behavior. Especially the squeaky high pitched voice! That’s just something kids do that can be grating! My DD likes to pretend to be a cat and it’s not driven by anxiety at all, but it’s hella annoying, especially when she refuses to talk and just meows at us. But I’ll come back to that.

The repetition of asking you permission for this does sound like anxiety. One thing about kid anxiety: in younger kids, it’s almost always anxiety about their relationship with their parents (does mom like me? Do I have a place in this world? Are they proud of me? Do they like me less than my brother?). So yes, snapping at her in that setting won’t help. In fact it will make it worse, because she will think “Mom said yes to the treat but she seems mad at me? Why is she mad at me? Does she love me?”

So I would suggest training yourself to change up your interaction. When the repetition starts, turn your FULL attention to her. Pause making dinner, close your laptop, etc. Then pour some love into your response. Instead of “I said Yes!” try “Of course you can, that sounds great.” Even though you are feeling annoyed, show her your love. Demonstrate your affection for her, which will reassure her that you love her and that things are copacetic between you. That should short circuit some of the repetition. Or if she’s smothering the cat, say “I love how much you love Mr. Snugglebutt! You guys are quite the pair!” Train yourself to set aside your annoyance long enough to show love, approval, pride. That’s what she needs. That should help her anxiety.

But also, cut yourself some slack. Kids are annoying sometimes. And when she’s being annoying, you can deal with it by taking a break from them or asking politely for them to stop. And I mean very politely, since your kid is anxious and will probably be sensitive to too much criticism. Like “Larla, I love what great care you are taking of Mr. Snugglebutt, but it looks like he might be ready for a break. Can you give him some space for a bit? We all need space, even kitties.” Like really gentle and no snapping. And when possible, just remove yourself from the room. If the behavior is just annoying and not linked to anxiety, you should be able to just walk away from it do you can take a break. Just don’t shame your kid when you do it. But you can take breaks! You deserve them. Parenting is hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great you are asking why you feel this way and what you can do about it. My own mother used to yell at me for stuff like that all the time and I have some very awful memories of it, and it contributed to very low self esteem as an adult. So just the fact that you’re aware and trying to fix is great.

The first thing I would say is that while some of this sounds like anxiety behavior (the repetition), some of this sounds like just normal annoying kid behavior. Especially the squeaky high pitched voice! That’s just something kids do that can be grating! My DD likes to pretend to be a cat and it’s not driven by anxiety at all, but it’s hella annoying, especially when she refuses to talk and just meows at us. But I’ll come back to that.

The repetition of asking you permission for this does sound like anxiety. One thing about kid anxiety: in younger kids, it’s almost always anxiety about their relationship with their parents (does mom like me? Do I have a place in this world? Are they proud of me? Do they like me less than my brother?). So yes, snapping at her in that setting won’t help. In fact it will make it worse, because she will think “Mom said yes to the treat but she seems mad at me? Why is she mad at me? Does she love me?”

So I would suggest training yourself to change up your interaction. When the repetition starts, turn your FULL attention to her. Pause making dinner, close your laptop, etc. Then pour some love into your response. Instead of “I said Yes!” try “Of course you can, that sounds great.” Even though you are feeling annoyed, show her your love. Demonstrate your affection for her, which will reassure her that you love her and that things are copacetic between you. That should short circuit some of the repetition. Or if she’s smothering the cat, say “I love how much you love Mr. Snugglebutt! You guys are quite the pair!” Train yourself to set aside your annoyance long enough to show love, approval, pride. That’s what she needs. That should help her anxiety.

But also, cut yourself some slack. Kids are annoying sometimes. And when she’s being annoying, you can deal with it by taking a break from them or asking politely for them to stop. And I mean very politely, since your kid is anxious and will probably be sensitive to too much criticism. Like “Larla, I love what great care you are taking of Mr. Snugglebutt, but it looks like he might be ready for a break. Can you give him some space for a bit? We all need space, even kitties.” Like really gentle and no snapping. And when possible, just remove yourself from the room. If the behavior is just annoying and not linked to anxiety, you should be able to just walk away from it do you can take a break. Just don’t shame your kid when you do it. But you can take breaks! You deserve them. Parenting is hard.

+1 great advice here
Also, look up drbeckyathome on IG. She offers great parenting scripts that gently and firmly demonstrate love while setting boundaries. I think you might find them relevant to the situations you are describing here OP! Also, I feel you! Best of luck. Curiosity about your unconscious reaction is the first step to real and meaningful change! Believe in you!

[Anonymous]

Not sure how old your DD is but my 4yo kid is like this. I help her go through a thought process. "Did I already ask Mommy? She said yes! Am I eating it right now? Yes its delicious! So no need to ask again." This helps me check my annoyance and focus on her.

I also set up some structures where she is independent and doesn't need to ask. Using treats as an example, we have a treat box and she knows if she wants she can take a treat out every Friday after ballet. So her life is less rigid and she feels like she has now control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it’s great you are asking why you feel this way and what you can do about it. My own mother used to yell at me for stuff like that all the time and I have some very awful memories of it, and it contributed to very low self esteem as an adult. So just the fact that you’re aware and trying to fix is great.

The first thing I would say is that while some of this sounds like anxiety behavior (the repetition), some of this sounds like just normal annoying kid behavior. Especially the squeaky high pitched voice! That’s just something kids do that can be grating! My DD likes to pretend to be a cat and it’s not driven by anxiety at all, but it’s hella annoying, especially when she refuses to talk and just meows at us. But I’ll come back to that.

The repetition of asking you permission for this does sound like anxiety. One thing about kid anxiety: in younger kids, it’s almost always anxiety about their relationship with their parents (does mom like me? Do I have a place in this world? Are they proud of me? Do they like me less than my brother?). So yes, snapping at her in that setting won’t help. In fact it will make it worse, because she will think “Mom said yes to the treat but she seems mad at me? Why is she mad at me? Does she love me?”

So I would suggest training yourself to change up your interaction. When the repetition starts, turn your FULL attention to her. Pause making dinner, close your laptop, etc. Then pour some love into your response. Instead of “I said Yes!” try “Of course you can, that sounds great.” Even though you are feeling annoyed, show her your love. Demonstrate your affection for her, which will reassure her that you love her and that things are copacetic between you. That should short circuit some of the repetition. Or if she’s smothering the cat, say “I love how much you love Mr. Snugglebutt! You guys are quite the pair!” Train yourself to set aside your annoyance long enough to show love, approval, pride. That’s what she needs. That should help her anxiety.

But also, cut yourself some slack. Kids are annoying sometimes. And when she’s being annoying, you can deal with it by taking a break from them or asking politely for them to stop. And I mean very politely, since your kid is anxious and will probably be sensitive to too much criticism. Like “Larla, I love what great care you are taking of Mr. Snugglebutt, but it looks like he might be ready for a break. Can you give him some space for a bit? We all need space, even kitties.” Like really gentle and no snapping. And when possible, just remove yourself from the room. If the behavior is just annoying and not linked to anxiety, you should be able to just walk away from it do you can take a break. Just don’t shame your kid when you do it. But you can take breaks! You deserve them. Parenting is hard.

I see a much of myself in OP’s answer and I thank you for this answer PP!!