financial obligation for adult child

[Anonymous]

Spouse has adult child (early/mid 20s) from previous marriage who has some special needs and has been unable to launch independently. We are currently supporting child living expenses at 1k/month, split with other bio parent. we have, over the years, spent much much more on various programs (30k in some years), attempts to help, etc. now child wants to try another professional development program (or other parent wants child to try it) which will increase costs again, by another 1k or more a month. Here's the question I have: what is our continued obligation, financially and morally? our combined net worth is probably around 10% -20% of other parent's, and we are in 50s. More than half of that is from me; we also have other children who will be facing college in a handful of years and that is far from being funded. Currently 1k a month is about what we can handle. Other bio parent's net worth is significantly higher, owns several homes including a recent multimillion dollar purchase, has a partner but no other children. Currently both my spouse and other parent make similar incomes, but other parent used to make 6-7x my spouse for years, hence the financial discrepancy. The proposal from here on out is that adult child's expenses are split 50/50 (according to income), not to overall net worth. I think it should be the latter. We are struggling right now with expenses ailing parents in care, etc and this is another dent in what should be retirement savings or college savings. Spouse and I rarely disagree about money but spouse is also basically financially illiterate and doesn't want any conflict with ex.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you married the wife and don’t make a lot and then had more kids. I don’t think a parent has any obligation to pay for an adult child’s living expenses. Maybe if you stop, the child will launch?

[Anonymous]

Difficult to figure this out. Does the child work 40 hours a week? Does he have health care thru a parent (that will end at 26)? What’s the living situation like? For example, living alone or with 3 roommates? How long is this new program? What is the disability? What is your spouse willing to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Spouse has adult child (early/mid 20s) from previous marriage who has some special needs and has been unable to launch independently. We are currently supporting child living expenses at 1k/month, split with other bio parent. we have, over the years, spent much much more on various programs (30k in some years), attempts to help, etc. now child wants to try another professional development program (or other parent wants child to try it) which will increase costs again, by another 1k or more a month. Here's the question I have: what is our continued obligation, financially and morally? our combined net worth is probably around 10% -20% of other parent's, and we are in 50s. More than half of that is from me; we also have other children who will be facing college in a handful of years and that is far from being funded. Currently 1k a month is about what we can handle. Other bio parent's net worth is significantly higher, owns several homes including a recent multimillion dollar purchase, has a partner but no other children. Currently both my spouse and other parent make similar incomes, but other parent used to make 6-7x my spouse for years, hence the financial discrepancy. The proposal from here on out is that adult child's expenses are split 50/50 (according to income), not to overall net worth. I think it should be the latter. We are struggling right now with expenses ailing parents in care, etc and this is another dent in what should be retirement savings or college savings. Spouse and I rarely disagree about money but spouse is also basically financially illiterate and doesn't want any conflict with ex.

First off, I wouldn't look at this as the other bio parents has more $ so they should pay more.

That said, I think you and your spouse have to decide what obligation you have. What are the special needs? Like ADHD? Or developmental issues that legitimately prevent them from being independent.

If you think or know the other parent is pushing this new professional development program and you're not on board or don't think it will help, say no. Or say yes to this and then set a limit/boundary upon completion of the program. Will your spouse feel guilty? Probably, but if you're in your mid-50's you need to get real about what you can realistically do here financially for the long term.

[Anonymous]

Is the child eligible for any disability services?

[Anonymous]

Could they live with you while they go to the new program. Then that could be your contribution.

What is early/mid 20's? Did they go to college? Do they have a roommate? Would they qualify for some sort of government supported living situation?

I have two special needs children who are college eligible (one has graduated and one is still in). They are delayed some things and as a result we were told that they would probably need some sort of help until their later 20's. The adult brain is slow to mature in many different types of special needs.

[Anonymous]

Can the program actually provide any real opportunity? is is just a time filler? would an actual job be a better choice as opposed to a program? There are services that help place those will developmental disabilities in jobs.

[Anonymous]

You ought to figure out why you married into this crazy situation!

[Anonymous]

This is a tough one. I’d say leave the ex’s spouse out of it, but if that spouse previously made a ton of money and has savings to cover more opportunities for this older child, then (s)he is free to give the child whatever (s)he wants. You are not required to split the cost of anything at this point, especially at the expense of your other children. I guess for me it would depend on how necessary this program is. If just a “nice to do” thing, then it’s not that much different than a divorced parent offering to say, provide a downpayment on a house. No one would expect a parent to require the ex to go halfsies on something like that. But on the other hand, if this is something that may reduce the need to financial assistance down the road, it may be worth it. But ex needs to understand that your spouse has more than one child, unlike him/her and you have to consider the needs of all of them.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the exact nature of the disabilities, what the young person is capable of, and what they want! Also, if you envision significant issues lifelong, is there a trust?

My HFA/ADHD teen son may be in this situation in a few years.
I really hope his father will be on board to support him until he becomes completely independent. We have a window of about 10 years starting now that will make or break any hope he has at a decent professional outlook, and I don’t want finances to be an added obstacle (not that the best options are necessarily costlier).

[Anonymous]

It really depends on the level of disability. Is he able to supprt himself and just is not or may never be ablle to be independent. If he is able then maybe some goals would help. After completing this program we will reduce our contributions to your living expenses by xx and a year after that you should be on your own. Most important the dad has to agree with you.

[Anonymous]

You may want to post in SN too. I think some people here don't get it. Did the adult child have an IEP growing up or was there a lot of denial? SN children don't magically launch. It is a massive effort throughout the early years to help them reach full potential. Some even when they reach full potential will not be indepdent.

We need to know way more things like...IQ, level of support thoughout school, were interventions recommended and did wife follow through? Social skills? So much more.

If you have a child with special needs you need to do everything within your means and sanity level to help them become as independent as they can become. It's a team effort and he made a full evaluation to truly get a picture of what is realistic.

[Anonymous]

You married someone with a child with special needs. Hopefully I am wrong in assuming you are being purposefully vague to get opinions that support your desire not to pay. If this adult child has special needs that legitimately prevent them from being able to support themselves then yes, you and DH are 100% obligated to support them. Without more specifics it's hard to know how much or for how long. Your bean counting with your interpretation of the ex spouses net worth and finances is not a good look for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You married someone with a child with special needs. Hopefully I am wrong in assuming you are being purposefully vague to get opinions that support your desire not to pay. If this adult child has special needs that legitimately prevent them from being able to support themselves then yes, you and DH are 100% obligated to support them. Without more specifics it's hard to know how much or for how long. Your bean counting with your interpretation of the ex spouses net worth and finances is not a good look for you.

+1

You’ve left out a lot of important details. You know if this program is necessary for this adult child. If it is, your partner’s ex’s net worth has no baring on this situation. You married your partner understanding the responsibilities, baggage, whatever this came with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You married someone with a child with special needs. Hopefully I am wrong in assuming you are being purposefully vague to get opinions that support your desire not to pay. If this adult child has special needs that legitimately prevent them from being able to support themselves then yes, you and DH are 100% obligated to support them. Without more specifics it's hard to know how much or for how long. Your bean counting with your interpretation of the ex spouses net worth and finances is not a good look for you.

+1

You’ve left out a lot of important details. You know if this program is necessary for this adult child. If it is, your partner’s ex’s net worth has no baring on this situation. You married your partner understanding the responsibilities, baggage, whatever this came with.

Not fair to the OP. Marrying the spouse doesn’t mean this adult child gets to be a burden on her or him for life. Nothing wrong with not wanting to pay for stepkids. This is an adult!