Separation after new baby?

[Anonymous]

I am going through this now - SO and I are calling it quits, the new baby (and COVID) proved too much for our relationship. I’m feeling very alone and anxious about the future. Anyone been there done that and have any words of wisdom?

[Anonymous]

I personally think it too early and premature to separate with a baby--and I am divorced. I waited too long (10 years of marriage). Don't do that. But I would not make any permanent decisions until the baby is 2 or 3 years old. You are in the hardest stage. You have to be really honest about your situation that if it is really the relationship not working or the stress of having a child.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like the decision to separate is already made, if not already acted on? If so, and if possible, I would focus on coparenting with your SO as amicably as possible going forward. Couples reconcile all the time after separation, but the key is to keep things as nontoxic as possible so there is room for love to grow. Even if you have no desire to reconcile, if you can love one another in separation it will benefit the child you both surely adore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally think it too early and premature to separate with a baby--and I am divorced. I waited too long (10 years of marriage). Don't do that. But I would not make any permanent decisions until the baby is 2 or 3 years old. You are in the hardest stage. You have to be really honest about your situation that if it is really the relationship not working or the stress of having a child.

+1 Sleep deprivation with a newborn puts strain on relationships. The first year is a struggle for all relationships. OP, sorry you're going through this right now during Covid but try to work it out for a year. Life gets better once the child is older. Felt at a loss when our first was born, glad I stayed and worked it out. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Did you have problems before getting pregnant? I hope you didn't get pregnant to save the marriage. Babies never keep men.

[Anonymous]

I know someone who did this and moved to another state with the child. It’s been a nightmare ever since (over 10 years!) and neither the man nor woman are happy, while the child suffers in the middle. Unless there’s abuse, please heed PP’s advice and give it some time. Go to therapy alone and possibly together.

[Anonymous]

How long were you together before the baby?

[Anonymous]

You aren’t married? If you’re not married there isn’t much you can do or force. I’m sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t married? If you’re not married there isn’t much you can do or force. I’m sorry.

+1. If not married, there’s virtually zero commitment. Sorry OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You aren’t married? If you’re not married there isn’t much you can do or force. I’m sorry.

+1. If not married, there’s virtually zero commitment. Sorry OP.

I hate to pile on, but...yeah. This is a REALLY hard time, and if you are not committed it’s easy to bail. Part of it is nature, to prevent you from getting pregnant again. As in, my DH’s breathing got on my nerves post-partum. After my second, some of his long-term habits worked my nerves to no end. I recognized it for what it was, but as a PP said, this is a bad time to separate.

[Anonymous]

Not married, not together for long before pregnancy.... by separate, I mean no longer together. I know it’s not a good situation, anyone else separate early on and have any suggestions for how to cope?

[Anonymous]

Also, this isn’t my choice so please stop saying it’s a bad time etc etc. I realize that....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not married, not together for long before pregnancy.... by separate, I mean no longer together. I know it’s not a good situation, anyone else separate early on and have any suggestions for how to cope?

What is “not very long”?

[Anonymous]

OP, do you have family nearby or a support system? Try to join a mom group that is operating virtually if you can, so you can find emotional support and practical advice for the day to day baby piece of this. Talk to your doctor and tell them that you are going to be doing this alone and need help finding cheap or affordable new mom resources for emotional and practical support.

If SO is out of your home, you need to start getting child support from him ASAP. Have the two of you discussed custody? Try to lean your budget and see if you can afford to hire help for some parts of your life, like cleaners, or if you will have baby 100% of the time then see if you can afford to have a mother's helper or nanny come a couple days per week. Maybe look into counselling through the hospital where you delivered or privately if you can afford it.

This forum has a lot of people who think that children need private school, fully funded private college, etc. but hundreds of millions of babies are being raised in loving, happy homes without the bells and whistles. It's going to be hard but you need to get into problem-solving mode now, get the financial side in order, and make sure you are taking care of your own mental health so you can be there for baby.

[Anonymous]

OP. Need more info. Do you live together? How long have you been together? If he lives separately, how far away? How long do you have more leave? How long does he have?