20 year old not allowed to date???

[Anonymous]

We have family friends that are of an extremist religion (Christianity FWIW). When we met, we didn't know anything about their views except that they did not wear pants or cut their hair. Over the years, of course we learned more, but our kids were fast friends and they grew closer over the past few years. My 20 year old son and their 20 year old daughter were good friends for years, but lately have expressed that they have feelings for each other. This girl is a wonderful girl and someone I would be happy for my son to date, but her father refuses to allow her to date STILL.

My son is upset, has even spoken to the father, has expressed that he is respectful of her and their family, and the father still won't allow it. This man (not someone I like at all) also doesn't allow his wife to do anything without his permission, as he believes the Bible tells them that the man is the ruler of the house and the wife must be submissive. She was not allowed to visit her dying uncle in a neighboring state, for example. She is not allowed to see certain people if their faith doesn't align with theirs. She was recently telling me how happy she was that her husband gave her permission to visit a friend for a few days that had moved out of state. She told me about how hard it was to wait the 2 weeks he took to decide if she was allowed to go or not. I think my jaw hit the floor as she was telling me the story. And I think she mentioned that the only reason he was allowing it was because this other family were also "good enough" Christians.

I feel horribly about all of this, and I know it will blow up at some point because I can see that the kids know that some of this is just not ok. In particular, their 22 year old son is having a hard time being restricted in ridiculous ways for a 22 year old. (yes, he's working on getting out of the house). But in the meantime, I feel badly for my son and this poor girl that is 20 years old and isn't even allowed to go out on a date. Oh...and she has a curfew also, unless her older brother is with her.

I am also a Christian, but am unfamiliar with this level of extremism. How do people accept living like this? do people really believe that this is the way they are meant to live?

I feel badly for all of them honestly...except him.

Oh, the kicker is that he married his wife when she was 16 and he was 30. But he won't let his 20 year old daughter even go on a date!!!!

I'm just stunned and can't express it to her of course. It's sad that some part of me doesn't want my son getting involved with her at all because of her family.

[Anonymous]

Tell your son not to take on other people's problems. That family is messed up/abusive. There's no reason to get involved with such a freak show.

[Anonymous]

I don't know how you can stand to be friends with people like this. And I would strongly discourage my son from dating a woman like this 20 yr old.

[Anonymous]

Your son is 20. Tell him to run the other way. He is far too young to get involved in this craziness. I don’t care how nice this girl is, can you imagine being a son in law of this family? There are plenty plenty of other girls. If you want to help this girl escape an abusive situation I am sure there are plenty of resources or organizations you can direct her to that does not involve your son.

[Anonymous]

Why would you want your son to date this freak show?

Can you imagine if they fell in love and got married and these people would be your inlaws???

Tell him to run. There are plenty of other fish in the sea.

[Anonymous]

She's allowed to date, just not date your son.

Her husband will be chosen by her father, from within their insular religious community. Probably soon, to be honest.

[Anonymous]

I'm curious why he's friends with you and your family, if your values are so different?

I have a very conservative Japanese father, and I was not allowed to date either, or go out past a certain hour with my friends. It had nothing to do with religion. When I told him I had met someone and was planning on moving out to be with him (at 19), he didn't speak to me for 3 months (we were living in the same house at the time). He even suggested he set me up with some eligible men . However he was never controlling with my mother, as this man seems to be.

Given my upbringing, what concerns me is this man's control-freakiness. It reaches an abusive level. His wife should not stand for it. His children need to leave his home, like I did. My father and I love each other dearly... but I sense that there is more desire to control than love in the family you describe.

[Anonymous]

Yikes! Tell your son to go on with his life. The 20 yo woman has to decide what she is capable of handling. If she wants to lead a normal life she needs to do the heavy lifting. Your son doesn't need to talk to the father. That's playing along with their current dynamic. Thank goodness the father didn't approve of your son. He'd probably have them getting married. I'm a Christian too, but there are some cult like families out there.

[Anonymous]

Your son should run the other way and date other girls.

This is pretty standard for extreme Christian fundamentalists. The father probably wants to pick out some old guy for his daughter to date and/or never wants her to get married so she is forced to stay at home and take care of her parents for life.

Typically the girls lives are run by their parents; boys may be able to escape and be forgiven, but usually girls will not be forgiven. They are supposed to be submissive to their parents and to eventual husbands at all times. A 30 year old marrying a 16 year old, so he can control her, sounds about par for the course.

Tell your son to stay away and don't pursue a romantic relationship.

The girl will have to find a way to get out on her own, maybe her brother will help her, if he finds a way. Sadly, the only way your son and the girl will be "allowed" to date is if they run off and get married.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and I am Christian as well. But a mainline liberal protestant, not a fundamentalist cult member christian.

[Anonymous]

Please encourage your son to find someone else.

[Anonymous]

She’s not allowed to date, but is she allowed to court?

[Anonymous]

For many religions, dating isn't an option. The only option is meeting people for the purpose of marriage. You can call that dating, but it had a clear focus.

I wasn't allowed to date at 20.

[Anonymous]

I'd encourage the relationship so she can break free (assuming she wants too).

[Anonymous]

Are you the same religion? I am guessing not. Tell your son to move on.