Comparing babies and feeling bad about mine

[Anonymous]

I know every baby develops at his own pace etc but it still makes me feel bad when I read about other people’s babies STTN at 12 weeks, doing great at tummy time, taking naps in their own crib. The past 3 months have been incredibly rough and I find myself wondering if I have an exceptionally difficult baby. He wakes 3 times at least during the night, won’t sleep in his bassinet and only sleeps when held, is squirmy/ fussy for half his awake time ( he’s generally unhappy unless someone is holding him and wants attention 24/7) but fights naps. Every meal I eat is wolfed down in 2-3 mins while I set him down in the bouncer and I haven’t been able to get anything done. Sheets haven’t been changed , house hasn’t been cleaned since he was born and no ability to hire help. DH works long hours outside the home is his bandwidth to help is limited. Just at the end of my rope and wondering why other babies just seem so much more normal and not ridiculously high maintenance.

[Anonymous]

He's a baby. They’re supposed to be needy.

Make sure that you've adjusted your expectations for what a baby should be able to do. Baby time works in short increments. Tummy time can literally be 20 seconds after every diaper change. A 20 minute nap is a nap. Two minutes in the bouncer while you pee is independent time. The rhythm to your day will be very different than adult time. It does eventually stretch into longer increments, but it takes a while.

[Anonymous]

No. Your baby is normal.

[Anonymous]

Oh Op I'm sorry, I felt like this sometimes too. Your baby and experience sounds so so normal. Often what you are hearing or seeing elsewhere is leaving a lotttt of reality out. Yes there are some "magic" babies as I like to say that are magic sleepers, but this is nottt the norm. Waking 3 times is so normal at 12 weeks. My baby also struggled to nap in the bassinet. Will he nap in a carrier/wrap? That helped me a lot to just let go of the napping in the bassinet thing for awhile. And also since you're doing it mostly on your own that is a huge additional stressor. Is there any way your husband can adjust hours slightly temporarily to give you more support?

[Anonymous]

BTW, a baby who wants to be held is social and attached to you. That's a good thing. It feels hard for now, but he will grow into a sociable and happy kid.

If you need a break, try using a baby carrier to left your arms be free. Baby wearing can help a ton.

[Anonymous]

Some babies are just more difficult than others. My first born was like this and with my 2nd I got to experience an "easy baby" and it was a totally different experience. People with easy babies won't be able to relate. That said, my fussy first born got so much better once he was mobile and able to crawl and walk to be able to get where he wanted to go. It won't always be this rough.

[Anonymous]

Looking at the infertility board may help. So many are struggling to conceive, and you were successful which is a huge accomplishment!

[Anonymous]

Stop it with sleep = good baby. As soon as I let that go, I enjoyed DD so much more. She’s not that kid. She’s busy and curious, and has been since day 1. She’s 4 now, and it hasn’t gotten easier, but my perspective has made it easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking at the infertility board may help. So many are struggling to conceive, and you were successful which is a huge accomplishment!

That's terrible advice. What is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking at the infertility board may help. So many are struggling to conceive, and you were successful which is a huge accomplishment!

I don't even know where to start with this. Inter tile people aren't your zoo attractions. And getting knocked up isn't an accomplishment. Teenagers do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Looking at the infertility board may help. So many are struggling to conceive, and you were successful which is a huge accomplishment!

no this won't help. I had infertility for 7 years. Finally got pregnant and 3 weeks after the baby arrived asked myself in the middle of the night why I wanted a baby anyway. I was extremely sleep deprived and battling PPD though I didnt know it at the time.

You are okay OP. Others have felt this way. It's a hard time. Try to get some help, even a neighborhood teen to watch the baby while you sleep. Please talk to you dr. too.

[Anonymous]

He's doing great. Stop comparing. At 3 months, its too long to go 12 hours without eating and just sleep through the night. Many kids who do that are just doing it because they get ignored and only given food at specific schedules. He needs to be loved and nurtured.

[Anonymous]

You've got a normal baby, OP. You are tired and sleep deprived and touched out. It's ok to feel less than overjoyed. It's hard to have a high-needs kiddo.

My first was easy in some ways, but he didn't sleep for longer than two hours at a time until he was two years old (and at that point we already had a second baby). Sleep training did not work - he just has low sleep needs, much like his insomniac dad. He was otherwise a happy and delightful baby, and is now an adorable, chatty, intelligent preschooler. But it was very hard on me at the time.

And no, PP, hearing of others' infertility battle didn't help, it just made me feel guilty that I wasn't enjoying these precious middle of the night moments of being up every 90 minutes. For YEARS.

Hang in there, get naps in if/when you can. Spend time outside. It will get better, I promise.

[Anonymous]

He sounds normal. If he likes being in a sling/carrier, I highly recommend that. It frees up your hands so you can eat a meal, do light housework, even pee!

Don't compare your baby to others. First of all, you're reading about stuff from total strangers online, so take everything they say with a huge grain of salt. Second, every person defines their terms differently. I've heard people say that their baby was STTN, and then it turns out the baby is still waking to eat (but he goes back to sleep quickly), or they mean he's sleeping from 12-6, or something else.

As for sleep, it's helpful to learn the signs of sleepiness that come before yawning/rubbing eyes/fussing. Babies who are too tired have a hard time falling asleep. Sometimes putting them down earlier results in better sleep.

[Anonymous]

Those other parents are either exaggerating, being a bit non-specific about what's going on, or are simply excited about one success because they are struggling with the other stuff. It might feel like they have it figured out, but trust me, they don't.

My closest mom friend used to rave about how quickly my DC achieved mobility milestones like rolling over, sitting up, and crawling. Her child was "late" on all of them. But what this meant was that I spent that first year chasing after my extremely mobile child, while hers laid contentedly in her lap. A few years later, both our kids can walk and jump and run and you'd never guess which rolled over at 6 weeks and which didn't crawl until 13 months.

And the sleep stuff? A few parents get lucky and brag a bunch because they think they figured it out. Nope -- they just lucked into a baby who sleeps a lot. Everyone else struggles but figures it out eventually. My DC didn't STTN until 10 months or so, but went on to become a child who slept 7pm-7am every night plus a 2+ hour nap every afternoon for years.

Point is, your baby isn't behind and you are doing great. You are just a new parent, and it's hard. Stay in the fight, you will make it out the other side and someday you will be talking to an exhausted new mom and letting her know that while her feelings are totally understandable and valid, her baby is right on track and so is she. I promise.