Comparing babies and feeling bad about mine

Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I know every baby develops at his own pace etc but it still makes me feel bad when I read about other people’s babies STTN at 12 weeks, doing great at tummy time, taking naps in their own crib. The past 3 months have been incredibly rough and I find myself wondering if I have an exceptionally difficult baby. He wakes 3 times at least during the night, won’t sleep in his bassinet and only sleeps when held, is squirmy/ fussy for half his awake time ( he’s generally unhappy unless someone is holding him and wants attention 24/7) but fights naps. Every meal I eat is wolfed down in 2-3 mins while I set him down in the bouncer and I haven’t been able to get anything done. Sheets haven’t been changed , house hasn’t been cleaned since he was born and no ability to hire help. DH works long hours outside the home is his bandwidth to help is limited. Just at the end of my rope and wondering why other babies just seem so much more normal and not ridiculously high maintenance.


Nanny here again. Some babies are a little more high maintenance than others and there’s just not much you can do but try to remember it’s a phase and it will pass. I’ve had so many parents tell me “ I’m sorry my house is a mess”. It’s okay. You have more important things to worry about than your house being clean.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:He's doing great. Stop comparing. At 3 months, its too long to go 12 hours without eating and just sleep through the night. Many kids who do that are just doing it because they get ignored and only given food at specific schedules. He needs to be loved and nurtured.


This is false and ignorant. Many babies sleep through the night at that age because they’re well fed during the day and don’t need the calories at night. I’ve known many babies who were fed on-demand at that age and slept 8-12 hours at night on their own. It has nothing to do with being fed on a a child or that they aren’t loved or nurtured. You can love and nurture your baby and still have them sleep 12 hours at night.
Anonymous
It sounds like a normal, although somewhat needy baby. Don't compare. Most people are exhausted with a 3 month old baby. Even if they won't admit it. I would say it gets better and to hang in there. But for now, find some things that work for you. I had a baby sling that the baby loved and even got good at breastfeeding him in the sling. This allowed me to easily get out of the house and at least go for a walk, grab a coffee to go. A change of scenery can be so important. And fresh air may really help the baby sleep better. Also, try to let somethings go.. the house can be a little bit messier, etc. Just prioritize you and the baby right now.

hang in there Op. And stop comparing. No one is telling the truth online anyway.

Your fussy baby may end up being the easy toddler, or the easy teenager...
Anonymous
My first baby slept through the night (12 hours!) at 4 months. I'm paying the price for it now with my second baby who is still up multiple times a night at 21 MONTHS!!!! All babies are different.

I have read in the attachment parenting books that when you have a high needs baby, it's best to talk about baby stuff with other people with high needs babies. If you have a friend whose baby sleeps all night, just... stop talking to them about sleep....
Anonymous
I have two, 5.5 and 1.5.

The 1.5 y.o. still wakes 1-2 times a night most night.

The 5.5 y.o. still wants repeated reassurance before falling asleep (calls out, asks for water, books, hugs...).

You need to adjust your expectations. Your baby is very much normal. The first three to six months are VERY difficult. Anyone who says otherwise is either lying or an outlier.

Just ignore/block whoever is feeding you these fairy tales and enjoy the precious moments with your baby.
Anonymous
Lots of babies are very, very difficult. Being a new mom is rough. Is there someone who can watch the baby for you overnight, so you can get a night's sleep every once in awhile? Do you have a friend or a sister who can help you? Can you hire a night nurse for a couple of days?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:My first baby slept through the night (12 hours!) at 4 months. I'm paying the price for it now with my second baby who is still up multiple times a night at 21 MONTHS!!!! All babies are different.

I have read in the attachment parenting books that when you have a high needs baby, it's best to talk about baby stuff with other people with high needs babies. If you have a friend whose baby sleeps all night, just... stop talking to them about sleep....


My first baby didn't sleep through the night until he was 17 months old. His dad and I took turns getting up with him after he was weaned. He turned into a kid with great sleep habits. Goes to bed on time and sleeps through the night.

My second baby slept through the night at 8 weeks. It was amazing. He turned into a kid who has a hard time going to sleep and who sometimes gets up in the middle of the night and wanders around and eats snacks. It's like living with a very large raccoon.
Anonymous
My super fussy infant turned out to have chronic ear infections with no symptoms other than extreme fussiness. Next time you're due for a checkup, or if you're really just at the end of your rope, talk to the pediatrician to see if there could be a physical cause. Some babies are really just cranky though.
Anonymous
Don't worry. Even if it feels like his is needier than other kids right now, that doesn't mean he always will be. He'll drop one of those night feeds soon, and then everything will look sunnier.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:When my son was younger, I was completely traumatized by trying to get this child to sleep - he never slept unless he was on top of me or in the car. I would be soooo jealous of all my friends whose babies would sit quietly at the table. Mine would scream the minute we sat down to eat. I was disinvited to the mommy and me lunches that all my friends would have. Even when he was two or three, at least that's when we stopped trying, he never could sit quietly at a restaurant. He would wake up consistently between 5 and 6am.

But the thing is, he is a natural athlete. He's 16, he can run all day long. He can play any sport and be brilliant at it. He still can function happily on a few hours sleep. I suspect yours might be the same. What seems like a disadvantage or a problem when your baby is a baby just might be their natural talents beginning to show through.


In hindsight, what would have helped you back then? Would knowing about his future brilliance have gotten you through the sleepless nights? Or were there concrete things that helped you get through the next 15 minutes or half an hour?

Anonymous
OP, my twins slept through the night at 12 weeks (no, I didn't let them cry it out), they liked tummy time, and they napped in their cribs from day one. BUT they had other issues and things that made the first three months really hard! I doubt many people would ever say the first few months with a baby were easy, no matter how low maintenance their kid was, ESPECIALLY if it is their first. I promise you that you will be miserable if you keep comparing your kid(s) to others. Seriously, it's not worth stressing over. Having twins has shown me that while A did X first, B did Y first, and then A did Z first and so on and so forth. See if you can get a break, since it sounds like you have been on non-stop, and without the things that can make those first months easier (friends, for one!). And also give yourself a break, not time away, but the ability to stop expecting your baby to do certain things. Hugs.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Looking at the infertility board may help. So many are struggling to conceive, and you were successful which is a huge accomplishment!


I don't even know where to start with this. Inter tile people aren't your zoo attractions. And getting knocked up isn't an accomplishment. Teenagers do it.


It may not sound nice, but OP needs to remember to be grateful for what she has


Except, as PPs have pointed out, that doesn't actually help. It just adds another layer of guilt to a sleep-deprived mom whose baby is still waking up every 90 minutes, who's not eating well, who now gets to feel bad that she's not treasuring every single precious moment.


I disagree. It wasn’t my suggestion, but it helps me when I am struggling to look at what I am grateful for (a healthy baby)


NP. To me it seems like telling someone with a brain tumor to be glad they have a head. It's not helpful.
Anonymous
When the weather gets a bit nicer, you might see if you can find a new-mom group that's meeting outdoors. (I'm assuming most aren't meeting in person indoors right now, and Zoom with a fussy infant isn't going to do much for you!)

I was lucky enough to have an easy baby, but in my new-mom group, it was much more the norm for babies to be fussy or gassy or have reflux, to have allergies that meant moms needed to adjust their diets while breastfeeding, or to not sleep for more than an hour at a time. My easy baby was definitely the odd one out.

But the moms were really supportive of each other, and a lot of the group stuck together for years as the kids grew up. It sounds like you could really use that kind of support, especially if you can't count on your husband for it.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:BTW, a baby who wants to be held is social and attached to you. That's a good thing. It feels hard for now, but he will grow into a sociable and happy kid.

If you need a break, try using a baby carrier to left your arms be free. Baby wearing can help a ton.

Yes to all this. My second was like this and he is such a loving and happy child now. But whew what crazy times when he was a baby!


You people are hilarious “bragging” about your difficult babies. I had an easy baby and now he’s an easy child with a secure attachment to both parents. It’s ridiculous to say that needing to be held a lot translates into a more secure attachment. All children are different and a lot of this stuff is just a temperament thing. I hear more that difficult babies become difficult children.
Anonymous
OP -

One thing I wish I had done with my first is to let him fuss without my intervention. You don't have to run to the baby when they start to cry. If you haven't had a shower yet today, put the baby in the crib (or wherever) and go take a shower. If he cries, he cries. Let him learn that you don't come running instantly every time. He will still feel loved and cared for, but might also learn a little self soothing, which is good.
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