Wife can't handle bedtime

[Anonymous]

Husband here. I do bedtime three nights a week. My wife does three. One is joint (Friday night pizza night.)

When I do bedtime, I do it. Handle all the kids. Brush teeth. Read books. Take responsibility for kids going down and staying in room.

When wife does bedtime, I regularly get asked to stop what I'm doing (usually working, this is part of my scheduled work time) to brush teeth or find stuffed animals or otherwise help out. Often wife gets frustrated with kids. Some nights she is so frustrated that I have to take over.

This isn't hard. I take responsibility for what I have to do. Why can't my wife take the same responsibility, and do so cheerfully without getting mad at me or kids?


(Yes we divide up responsibilities evenly. Kids. Cooking. Weekends. Cleaning. It's a good marriage.)

Husbands, what do you do in circumstances like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband here. I do bedtime three nights a week. My wife does three. One is joint (Friday night pizza night.)

When I do bedtime, I do it. Handle all the kids. Brush teeth. Read books. Take responsibility for kids going down and staying in room.

When wife does bedtime, I regularly get asked to stop what I'm doing (usually working, this is part of my scheduled work time) to brush teeth or find stuffed animals or otherwise help out. Often wife gets frustrated with kids. Some nights she is so frustrated that I have to take over.

This isn't hard. I take responsibility for what I have to do. Why can't my wife take the same responsibility, and do so cheerfully without getting mad at me or kids?


(Yes we divide up responsibilities evenly. Kids. Cooking. Weekends. Cleaning. It's a good marriage.)

Husbands, what do you do in circumstances like this?

I have the same problem you have with DH so I do bed time 7 days a week. What we did was that he does dinner (I.e. feeds the toddler) 7 nights a week. He also helps with bath most nights... it doesn’t have to be everything split in half. Let her do more of what she is more comfortable with and you do all bed times (if work allows it)

[Anonymous]

How many kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband here. I do bedtime three nights a week. My wife does three. One is joint (Friday night pizza night.)

When I do bedtime, I do it. Handle all the kids. Brush teeth. Read books. Take responsibility for kids going down and staying in room.

When wife does bedtime, I regularly get asked to stop what I'm doing (usually working, this is part of my scheduled work time) to brush teeth or find stuffed animals or otherwise help out. Often wife gets frustrated with kids. Some nights she is so frustrated that I have to take over.

This isn't hard. I take responsibility for what I have to do. Why can't my wife take the same responsibility, and do so cheerfully without getting mad at me or kids?


(Yes we divide up responsibilities evenly. Kids. Cooking. Weekends. Cleaning. It's a good marriage.)

Husbands, what do you do in circumstances like this?

I agree with the pp. Do more of the bedtimes and have her do more of something else.

[Anonymous]

Agree given everything you said I would re-jigger the task sharing. If you didn't say things are otherwise very equitable I'd say something different, but if you're both doing your fair share, find another way to keep it fair.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes equitable isn’t precisely even. If it makes things easier overall, there’s no harm in splitting things according to your strengths, not necessarily according to the calendar.

Work together to find a division of labor that works better for everyone.

[Anonymous]

How many kids and what ages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband here. I do bedtime three nights a week. My wife does three. One is joint (Friday night pizza night.)

When I do bedtime, I do it. Handle all the kids. Brush teeth. Read books. Take responsibility for kids going down and staying in room.

When wife does bedtime, I regularly get asked to stop what I'm doing (usually working, this is part of my scheduled work time) to brush teeth or find stuffed animals or otherwise help out. Often wife gets frustrated with kids. Some nights she is so frustrated that I have to take over.

This isn't hard. I take responsibility for what I have to do. Why can't my wife take the same responsibility, and do so cheerfully without getting mad at me or kids?


(Yes we divide up responsibilities evenly. Kids. Cooking. Weekends. Cleaning. It's a good marriage.)

Husbands, what do you do in circumstances like this?

Does she give herself time to collect herself before starting bedtime? Does she seem more stressed generally these days? Is she depressed? Are they taking advantage of extra chances she gives them? Does she have a consistent routine? Are there consequences for not following the routine?

It sounds like you have established a solid routine that works. The kids know exactly what to expect and do it consistently. Are you willing to carve out time during one of her three days to listen in and see/hear what is happening? You need to be on the same page. We both have routines, but they are a little different. We do try to have the time the start of the bedtime routine (shower, books, lights out) around the same time. We try to limit calling for backup for only cases where one of us has lost all patience. Asking for help with brushing teeth or other basis things wouldn't qualify...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes equitable isn’t precisely even. If it makes things easier overall, there’s no harm in splitting things according to your strengths, not necessarily according to the calendar.

Work together to find a division of labor that works better for everyone.

+1

[Anonymous]

Is there a part of bedtime she does better than others? I hate reading to my kids (it makes my throat scratchy) so DH does that, and I do everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband here. I do bedtime three nights a week. My wife does three. One is joint (Friday night pizza night.)

When I do bedtime, I do it. Handle all the kids. Brush teeth. Read books. Take responsibility for kids going down and staying in room.

When wife does bedtime, I regularly get asked to stop what I'm doing (usually working, this is part of my scheduled work time) to brush teeth or find stuffed animals or otherwise help out. Often wife gets frustrated with kids. Some nights she is so frustrated that I have to take over.

This isn't hard. I take responsibility for what I have to do. Why can't my wife take the same responsibility, and do so cheerfully without getting mad at me or kids?


(Yes we divide up responsibilities evenly. Kids. Cooking. Weekends. Cleaning. It's a good marriage.)

Husbands, what do you do in circumstances like this?

You sound like a know it all. So your wife cant handle bedtime. Im sure there is something you arent good at.

[Anonymous]

It's frustrating but I think you need to take over all bedtimes and tell her she needs to pull her weight in other matters. My husband is extremely unreliable when it comes to parenting and household things, so... you could have it worse...

BTW, do you think she has ADHD? My husband's inability to cope largely stems from ADHD he refuses to treat with meds, even though he's been diagnosed and pushed by his psychiatrist to try them.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have established a solid routine that works. The kids know exactly what to expect and do it consistently.

Yes.

This is the key to (almost) all of parenting, yes?

[Anonymous]

Ugh. I wish I had this problem. There is no parenting task that we split like this and absolutely no parenting task at which he is better than me. I dream of something he can automatically do and be effective and calm about without needing step by step hand holding.

Ages matter here - if kids are over 3, this is unacceptable and you should talk to her and tell her you will not be able to respond because you are 1. Wearing headphones, on a call.... If kids are 6 months and 2 years old, well I have more sympathy for needing back up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes equitable isn’t precisely even. If it makes things easier overall, there’s no harm in splitting things according to your strengths, not necessarily according to the calendar.

Work together to find a division of labor that works better for everyone.

+1

+2. You will both be happier this way.