Wife can't handle bedtime

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee OP is the wife in this situation and just reversed it to get honest advice.

+1 I thought the same thing. The writing style did not read masculine to me.

Which has happened. If the DH was the one flaking on bed time responsibilities everyone would be calling him a jerk. When it is the wife, it is "well what can you do to help make it easier for her? Maybe you should do all the behind the scenes work so she doesn't have to do as much. You should just take over bed time (not paying attention to the part that he's trying to get work done during his off nights) and she can do something else. You're probably not really doing as much as you think you are aroun dthe house and with the kids"

Are you a man? Just curious.

I wouldn’t have said that. To me this seems like a very odd way to divide responsibilities. DH and I do the exact same thing every say and it seems odd to switch off like this. Also at least one commenter said that DH does his fair share so it doesn’t make sense for him to just do it all and not take on more responsibilities.

[Anonymous]

I was scared my own DH posted this!!

I am terrible at bed time. I hate and dread it with every fiber of my being. I’m just so depleted at that point, and there are so many little things that have to happen. I really can’t handle it by myself.

On the flip side, I get up with the kids every morning. Sometimes the kids sleep in and so I’m only up 20-30 minutes before DH with them. Other days it’s more like 90 minutes.

I kind of feel like my DH doesn’t even realize that cumulatively, this means some weeks I’m actually spending a solid 7-8 hours with the kids alone in the mornings while he gets that extra sleep. So I don’t feel bad that he has to take the lead on bed time.

In our case im an extreme morning person and I tend to fall apart around 6 pm. My husband is more of a night owl and kind of a jerk in the mornings.

[Anonymous]

Some children act differently with their mom or dad. My daughter is 5 and will not let my husband put her to bed. The only time he can do it is if I am traveling and not home (and it is not easy). I need his help with my son because my daughter is so demanding at bedtime and it is critical that I get her to sleep (she needs 11 hours). It is very difficult to juggle both kids because everything takes twice as long, the kids fight and compete over both wanting to snuggle with me. It is absolutely EXHAUSTING. My husband and I have divided it so that I put our daughter to bed and he puts our son to bed. If I am able to get our daughter down quickly, I come and read over snuggle with my son afterwards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee OP is the wife in this situation and just reversed it to get honest advice.

Maybe not.

My DH is better at bedtime than I am. He does bedtime while I clean up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was scared my own DH posted this!!

I am terrible at bed time. I hate and dread it with every fiber of my being. I’m just so depleted at that point, and there are so many little things that have to happen. I really can’t handle it by myself.

On the flip side, I get up with the kids every morning. Sometimes the kids sleep in and so I’m only up 20-30 minutes before DH with them. Other days it’s more like 90 minutes.

I kind of feel like my DH doesn’t even realize that cumulatively, this means some weeks I’m actually spending a solid 7-8 hours with the kids alone in the mornings while he gets that extra sleep. So I don’t feel bad that he has to take the lead on bed time.

In our case im an extreme morning person and I tend to fall apart around 6 pm. My husband is more of a night owl and kind of a jerk in the mornings.

Wow. This is me too. While my husband is not a jerk in the morning, he wakes up slower. But he has so much more energy after 6 than I do.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others. Your wife isn't good at bed time. That's unfortunate. Have her do something she *is* good at and take that off your plate. Maybe for bed time you do some of the stuff every night - teeth, find animals, whatever - and she does the story book reading and keeping the kids in their rooms. Whatever. And so she does the dishes every night after bed time or something else that you were doing. Find another division of other labor that you both can feel not resentful about.

[Anonymous]

Hmm. A few options here:

1) I know you're supposed to be working, but maybe for a week, can you leave the house during bedtime? Just go for a walk? Or a drive and work from your car in a parking lot or something? She may need a chance to get used to doing this "without a net" so to speak. This is the approach I would use if I felt like she wasn't giving it her all, or if I felt resentful I was always being interrupted.

2) If she's honestly struggling, is it worth a conversation? Not during bedtime, but during some quite husband/wife time. "Hey, it seems like you're really struggling with bedtime" and see if there's a particular part that is tripping her up. Maybe you can give her some pointers. This is the approach I would use if I felt like she was trying really hard, and she was frustrated, too. She might appreciate the assist.

3) Can you re-jigger your responsibilities? I don't love this option because down the road, it means you need to be home at bedtime ALL THE TIME with would make me nervous. But if one and two are not the answer, and everyone is stressed, and bedtime is just not her bailiwick for whatever reason, it might be your best option. Maybe she can take all the morning duties and you can take all the bedtimes? Or some other swap?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee OP is the wife in this situation and just reversed it to get honest advice.

+1 I thought the same thing. The writing style did not read masculine to me.

Which has happened. If the DH was the one flaking on bed time responsibilities everyone would be calling him a jerk. When it is the wife, it is "well what can you do to help make it easier for her? Maybe you should do all the behind the scenes work so she doesn't have to do as much. You should just take over bed time (not paying attention to the part that he's trying to get work done during his off nights) and she can do something else. You're probably not really doing as much as you think you are aroun dthe house and with the kids"

Dp The thing is the op comes off to me as a know it all and thinks they are perfect. At least Op's wife is trying! I'm sure there are some things wife is better than op although it doesn't sound like they will admit it. Maybe wife can do bathtime or read stories ( while op works) and op can do the putting to bed?

[Anonymous]

How old are your kids OP? I found the first year after giving birth I just needed more help on things. 9 months of pregnancy and then middle of the night wakes up (b/c I was the one nursing) times multiple kids in a row just really took it’s toll on my stamina. I felt like I was going into everything with weakened reserves and I really relied on DH to use some reserve energy to get through some of the bedtime battles. I’m not sure how old your kids are, but assuming fairly young, try to keep in mind what her body has been through while gestating, birthing, and nursing 3 children. She has taken on a lot that you just couldn’t because biology. Maybe this is your place to shine.

Also, I am a night owl so I tend to be more productive in the evenings. We split things a bit differently than you (I put toddler down at 7:30 and DH puts 6.5 y/o down at 8). I am then the one who most often cleans the kitchen up while he’s doing the older one’s bedtime, stays up a bit later to finish folding laundry and putting stuff away. DH is the morning person who unloads the dishwasher and gets breakfast ready while I sleep in an extra 30 min.

Not everything has to be tit for tat. I understand you need time to work (DH and I are always negotiating time to catch up on things now that we have kids at home). But I agree with PPs about dividing based on your strengths and not trying to split 50/50.

For instance, I don’t mind doing laundry whereas DH doesn’t mind doing lawn maintenance and handy type stuff around the house that I have no interest in figuring out how to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I don’t divide every chore exactly down the middle. Each of us has our own strengths, and each of us has things we find disproportionately challenging. So we divy up chores in part based on our respective strengths. I do bedtimes most nights because I, like you, am better at maintaining a routine that gets the kids to sleep on time. My husband is terrible at it and the kids runs wild whenever he does bedtimes, so instead of doing bedtimes he cleans up the kitchen from dinner and preps the kids’ lunches for the next day.

This. Maybe one of you is just pooped at night and the other does better. Kids read situations and react accordingly. Don't be so hair-splitting that 7 days are split exactly evenly. Each of you do what you do best or what works in the schedule.

In our house my DH drops our kids at school which he passes on his way to work. I work from home. Should I be driving two days a week and alternate Fridays just to make it "even"? No - that's absurd. But I love doing bath time so I do 99% of those. Be flexible!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. I wish I had this problem. There is no parenting task that we split like this and absolutely no parenting task at which he is better than me. I dream of something he can automatically do and be effective and calm about without needing step by step hand holding.

Ages matter here - if kids are over 3, this is unacceptable and you should talk to her and tell her you will not be able to respond because you are 1. Wearing headphones, on a call.... If kids are 6 months and 2 years old, well I have more sympathy for needing back up.

I am right here with you. There is very little DH is good at, excels at, comes naturally, though he does try to participate. It's not easy being the more competent person in a relationship. Now I realize that of course...

[Anonymous]

This should be simple. Some people just aren't capable of doing certain things well. My kids would never ask DH for help with math and most homework or bedtime issues. They know it would be a wasted effort in most cases. I'm better at it and more patient. Kids would ask DH for breakfast, lunch, and dinner and not me. We stick to our strengths unless one of us sick, over-worked, or over-stressed. Don't care as long as everything gets done and no one is constantly over-worked.

[Anonymous]

A wife here who does absolutely no bedtimes. However, I do all the morning times. This is the deal that DH and I arrived at. I am more of a morning person. By the end of the day (whether working a full day at home, at the office, or on the weekend) I cannot handle it. So I do all mornings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A wife here who does absolutely no bedtimes. However, I do all the morning times. This is the deal that DH and I arrived at. I am more of a morning person. By the end of the day (whether working a full day at home, at the office, or on the weekend) I cannot handle it. So I do all mornings.

I will add that the few times I have to do bedtime, it’s a super quick affair and my husband Is always surprised that I did it so fast. No reading on my nights, no cuddles, quick teeth brush and turn the podcast or lullaby on. I would feel bad about it but we do SO MUCH for (and with) the kids everyday. A few joyless bedtimes is nbd.

[Anonymous]

I'm the wife in the situation. I have ADHD, my meds wear off by bedtime and it's completely overwhelming and generally a shit show when I go it alone, no matter how much I try to keep the routine.

The solution that works for us is I do the morning routine as that's when I'm at my best.