Relationship Struggling With A Baby

[Anonymous]

My thread was deleted or I can’t find it. I posted my having arguments with my husband. I have had a rough time with the newborn phase and breastfeeding. I got a lot of tips to help for breastfeeding and sleep, but none on actually focusing on my marriage. Any tips on how to keep a good marriage while being new parents? We are still have little arguments and I feel I got more shame for not trying to breastfeed enough than anything else.

[Anonymous]

Take 5 min a day to just sit and talk. And give yourself some grace, this is a hard time regardless of what else is going on in the world ... but during a pandemic? It’s so much harder.

[Anonymous]

I had a really hard time in marriage after baby, and frankly have found it has changed the nature of my marriage period. Slight annoyances before are magnified with a child and realizing that any decisions we make or dynamics effect not just our marriage but also our offspring.

My advice, keep the laundry list short. Holding onto resentments and letting the list grow too long makes it harder to surmount. Keep practicing vulnerability with self and spouse. Share honestly and resist the urge to share to be “right”. Also, be open to change, in yourself, and within your marriage. The things that you can let go, let go. Lastly, remember boundaries and that ultimately we can only control ourselves. We can share feedback and ask that our spouse be open to it, but we cannot control each other. Oh and also, sleep first talk later! Best of luck and take it easy. I hope it gets easier for you. I know it did for me although the marriage work continues.

[Anonymous]

I think it is too soon to focus on the marriage with a newborn. You need to focus on your relationship as parents. You are overly focused on the marriage way too early. Both should be focusing on the newborn and getting through this stage. At 6-7 months old, then start refocusing on the marriage. Both of you need to understand this phase is hard. Just get through it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is too soon to focus on the marriage with a newborn. You need to focus on your relationship as parents. You are overly focused on the marriage way too early. Both should be focusing on the newborn and getting through this stage. At 6-7 months old, then start refocusing on the marriage. Both of you need to understand this phase is hard. Just get through it.

I disagree. While their newborn should be their main focus, letting their marriage suck until 6-7 months is not good. OP said their arguments were stupid and not that bad, but that could easily build up over the 4-5 months, and explode into something worse. OP is smart to focus on her marriage so it doesn’t get bad.

[Anonymous]

Did you implement any of the advice given to you on your old thread ?

[Anonymous]

Are you the one with the tear and the bad sleeping 3 month old? The one who likes a clean house?
.
I don't know why your thread disappeared but you got some good advice. However, the advice to sleep more, figure out/cut back breastfeeding, and take care of yourself IS marriage advice. Burning the candle at both ends trying to be super wife is going to backfire. Getting your physical health to a good place will be the best thing you can do for your marriage and that means more sleep. You should send your DH out with the baby every Saturday morning first thing, so you can sleep.

[Anonymous]

The little arguments come from stress and sleep deprivation. Focus on sleep for baby and yourself and you won't be as irritable.

[Anonymous]

Ask yourself: Does my DH want an exhausted and stressed out wife who is feigning interest in him but really just wants to curl up and sleep for a week? Or does he want a wife who actually has the bandwidth to enjoy marriage and sex and is in decent health? The advice to take care of yourself actually is marriage advice even if you were hoping for something more direct.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did you implement any of the advice given to you on your old thread ?

OP here. I decided to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. It will take a couple of weeks to dry up my supply but I think that will make a big difference. I’m also being more mindful of thinking before I say something like one pp suggested.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you the one with the tear and the bad sleeping 3 month old? The one who likes a clean house?
.
I don't know why your thread disappeared but you got some good advice. However, the advice to sleep more, figure out/cut back breastfeeding, and take care of yourself IS marriage advice. Burning the candle at both ends trying to be super wife is going to backfire. Getting your physical health to a good place will be the best thing you can do for your marriage and that means more sleep. You should send your DH out with the baby every Saturday morning first thing, so you can sleep.

OP here. I’m the first thread with the baby who is a little over 8 weeks old. We had lots of weight gain and breastfeeding issues. I think my thread might have been deleted because someone else wrote a smiling ad a couple of days after mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you implement any of the advice given to you on your old thread ?

OP here. I decided to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. It will take a couple of weeks to dry up my supply but I think that will make a big difference. I’m also being more mindful of thinking before I say something like one pp suggested.

OP here. I will also be sleep training at 4 months old but I had that plan before I posted on here. There were some suggestions to hire a nanny but were not comfortable with that with everything going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did you implement any of the advice given to you on your old thread ?

OP here. I decided to stop breastfeeding and switch to formula. It will take a couple of weeks to dry up my supply but I think that will make a big difference. I’m also being more mindful of thinking before I say something like one pp suggested.

Cabbage leaves will help. No joke. They’re like magic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you the one with the tear and the bad sleeping 3 month old? The one who likes a clean house?
.
I don't know why your thread disappeared but you got some good advice. However, the advice to sleep more, figure out/cut back breastfeeding, and take care of yourself IS marriage advice. Burning the candle at both ends trying to be super wife is going to backfire. Getting your physical health to a good place will be the best thing you can do for your marriage and that means more sleep. You should send your DH out with the baby every Saturday morning first thing, so you can sleep.

OP here. I’m the first thread with the baby who is a little over 8 weeks old. We had lots of weight gain and breastfeeding issues. I think my thread might have been deleted because someone else wrote a smiling ad a couple of days after mine.

Oh okay. Well, I did not read your original thread, but I would suggest 1) cut yourself some slack, feeding issues are really hard. 2) Focus on getting more sleep for yourself and you will be less irritable and have more time and energy for your husband. When my kids were little, we took turns taking them for a walk first thing in the morning while the other parent slept in. 3) sometimes in parenting you just have to ride out a rough patch. At only 8 weeks your body is still recovering. Soon your baby will sleep more and be more predictable. It will work itself out in time. Stop putting pressure on yourself to have everything in a good place already.

[Anonymous]

Missed your initial post but it sounds like you have a DH problem not a breastfeeding or sleep problem. Your DH should not be fighting with you. You have hormones coursing through your body and just pushed an entire person out of your vagina or were sliced open. He should not be engaging with any fighting. His job is to be the ultimate disarmer in chief. E.g. “babe you seem a little cranky can I get you some water or make you some food? How about a shower while I hold the baby.” Mom of three so I know what’s up.