What do you teach your DS / DD about gay people?

[Anonymous]

I teach our teen DD that treating them differently from anyone else is discrimination.

I tell her people are who they are, and its normal and natural, and not something to make fun of.

Curious- do others address this subject with their kids? (I think its good to- otherwise trust me, their classmates are addressing it with them.)

Carolyn Hax live chat today in the Post had a question from a woman who does not want her child to play at other child's house b/c parents are gay. I just can't get with this. I have lots of gay colleagues, fewer gay friends, but plenty of gay acquaintances- it is what it is, no need to treat someone different b/c of who they love.

[Anonymous]

We started early on with just talking about it as fact. Then, just today, my 6 yo asked me "what does it mean if someone says"youre so gay?" Does it mean you are so happy?" I wanted to say yes, but explained that now gay usually refers to a man who loves a man, or a woman who loves a woman, and that some people use it as an insult. I explained that it was like making fun of someone for glasses, or blonde hair, or because you don't like where they live . Its just part of who people are and so its not something to use as an insult or to call someone in a teasy way. I think we've done an okay job as I have heard my 10 year old calling out his friends for saying that and explaining to them that its not an insult or something to make fun of. But my heart sank a bit today when I realized my 6 year old has already encountered it. We have also made a point of having a couple books with gay themes in our preschool kids' library at home, and to try to make it part of everyday life and conversation from an early age.

[Anonymous]

We don't have to teach our kids anything about gay people, as they are surrounded by some of our friends. My son, in fact, has two godfathers.

Homosexuality isn't anything that stands out to them.

But they are still young. And I only hope that as they age and encounter kids who are questioning their sexuality, they will be kind and not give in to any sort of peer pressure.

[Anonymous]

This question seems a little awkward, as if gays were zoo animals, or hot stoves, or crossing the street.

My father is gay, so that's the kids' grandfather. There's nothing to be taught. If the kids have questions about what it means to be gay, they will be answered as they are asked. I know in my own case, when I was little, my first questions were something like: "Do "Flo" and "Bev" love each other like a mommy and a daddy?" And the answer I got was simply, yes. There's no need for "teaching."

[Anonymous]

I answer my child's questions when she asks. She's 6; the other day she asked me "how can a doctor get a baby out if you DON'T want it to grow in there?" !!!

She hasn't asked about gayness yet; at our church we have same sex couples so I am hoping it will just be a normal, every day thing for her.

One time when she was three she asked me, "What if a girl wanted to marry a girl?". I said, well that would be OK.

[Anonymous]

Addressed much like the OP, as a norm and a non-issue.

Now, as to the issue of discrimination, that's handled differently. My house has zero tolerance for it. It started when my son was very little and we addressed name-calling. It's a no-no under any circumstances. I'd rather he spew a storm of non-directed profanity than call someone a name. As he got older, we had to address why certain things aren't OK to say, including, "That's so gay." When someone uses a word that means something about someone's identity to connote that something is bad, we don't use it. Ad infinitum, in age appropriate language. It's not OK to be hurtful, etc. etc. Here's why it can hurt, etc. etc.

[Anonymous]

There is need for teaching.
I just tell my kids not to ask silly questions of kids of gay families. Not to discrimminate, and not to make fun of anyone. At this age, the biggest issue is any type of teasing using words like fag or dyke.
BTW, I respect those who want to teach their kids that homosexuality is wrong (religious freedom), but they should not encourage their kids to be hurtful of others who feel differently (tolerance).

[Anonymous]

We're a gay family, and though our kids are small, I know that for some kids in our DCs class we'll be the first gay people they've met. So far the kids in daycare (who are admittedly mostly under 3) have never skipped a beat- know that the boys have 2 mommies, and that's that.

We don't do a lot of talking about how we're different---- I think that will be clear enough in time, but we do have a number of story books about how lots of family's are different in so many combinations, and there are also lots of types of people- tall, short, lots of skin tones, lots of languages. The hope is that they'll learn that while their family is different, most everyone has a little something that makes them feel different.

And to the poster who said it seems like they're comparing gays to zoo animals- well... sure, that's sort of how kids think when they're young. They see something and want to know characteristics of it. I think it helps ease awkward situations if the kids have a reference point they can just roll with things.

[Anonymous]

OP, the one thing I have trouble with is telling kids that so and so has two mommies or two daddies. I am a realist. I teach my kids the truth about reproduction. What I have told them makes two parents of one sex impossible. I am like this wrt step parents too. We each have one mother and one father.
I might tell them that Johnnie calls them both mom, but he has one mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the one thing I have trouble with is telling kids that so and so has two mommies or two daddies. I am a realist. I teach my kids the truth about reproduction. What I have told them makes two parents of one sex impossible. I am like this wrt step parents too. We each have one mother and one father.
I might tell them that Johnnie calls them both mom, but he has one mother.

Why don't you let Johnnie decide whether they're both his mothers or not? I understand differentiating between biological and adoptive parents, but it seems intentionally exclusionary to point out that a child can't have two biological mothers--and therefore that you don't think both are worthy of being called his mother.

Do you do this with people who had sperm donors? "Joey calls that man his father, but his sperm wasn't working well, so he has another father and this man that is married to his mother, well, he calls him his father but REALLY he's not." Or adoptive families? "These are Mary's parents, but they're not Tommy's parents, really, because Tommy is adopted. His parents are in other places, and these people, whom he thinks of as his mother and father, and who love him dearly, well, they're not really his parents."

You say you're a realist, but really you're privileging biological families and deciding that they're the only ones that count.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, the one thing I have trouble with is telling kids that so and so has two mommies or two daddies. I am a realist. I teach my kids the truth about reproduction. What I have told them makes two parents of one sex impossible. I am like this wrt step parents too. We each have one mother and one father.
I might tell them that Johnnie calls them both mom, but he has one mother.

Why don't you let Johnnie decide whether they're both his mothers or not? I understand differentiating between biological and adoptive parents, but it seems intentionally exclusionary to point out that a child can't have two biological mothers--and therefore that you don't think both are worthy of being called his mother.

Do you do this with people who had sperm donors? "Joey calls that man his father, but his sperm wasn't working well, so he has another father and this man that is married to his mother, well, he calls him his father but REALLY he's not." Or adoptive families? "These are Mary's parents, but they're not Tommy's parents, really, because Tommy is adopted. His parents are in other places, and these people, whom he thinks of as his mother and father, and who love him dearly, well, they're not really his parents."

You say you're a realist, but really you're privileging biological families and deciding that they're the only ones that count.[/quote]


No. I tell my kids that it takes as sperm and an egg. What happens after that WRT non biological parents is also important. I want to get away from the same nonsense that sounded like the stork or the cabbage patch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This question seems a little awkward, as if gays were zoo animals, or hot stoves, or crossing the street.

Sorry - question wasn't meant to be like that. Sometimes things get lost in translation when typed, so maybe my phrasing was off. My intent was just to get understanding of others approaches.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the one thing I have trouble with is telling kids that so and so has two mommies or two daddies. I am a realist. I teach my kids the truth about reproduction. What I have told them makes two parents of one sex impossible. I am like this wrt step parents too. We each have one mother and one father.
I might tell them that Johnnie calls them both mom, but he has one mother.

I'm a stepmom who is not called mom, but I think your attitude is obnoxious. Why do you care? Let the family decide.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the one thing I have trouble with is telling kids that so and so has two mommies or two daddies. I am a realist. I teach my kids the truth about reproduction. What I have told them makes two parents of one sex impossible. I am like this wrt step parents too. We each have one mother and one father.
I might tell them that Johnnie calls them both mom, but he has one mother.

Well, in DC and MD a child may well have 2 legal moms or dads. One may be biological, one adoptive or both adoptive. So the 2 moms or 2 dads is a fact, regardless of what you call them.

What do you do with friends who are or who have adopted? Say, well, that's not Johnny's real mother, he just calls her mom. His real mother is someone he will probably never meet?

I think you are hiding some feelings of discomfort under your realist label PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the one thing I have trouble with is telling kids that so and so has two mommies or two daddies. I am a realist. I teach my kids the truth about reproduction. What I have told them makes two parents of one sex impossible. I am like this wrt step parents too. We each have one mother and one father.
I might tell them that Johnnie calls them both mom, but he has one mother.

I think you misunderstand what kids mean by "mom" and "dad," When a kid wants mommy to make it better or wants to play with mommy and daddy or mommy and mommy, the kid doesn't mean "my direct genetic ancestor of the female variety."

You kids will repeat your words to each other. Sure, all kids should know about the mechanics of reproduction at some point but I hope your child doesn't tell a child of gay parents or adopted parents that his parents aren't really both his. They way that kid means mommy/daddy, they most certainly are.