What do you teach your DS / DD about gay people?

[Anonymous]

My children, who are donor sperm products, wiht only one parent, me, their biological and legal mother (and straight) mother have been exposed to a lot of different family structures. Including adoptive single parent families, lesbian families, adoptive 2 parent families, etc. I say, when you grow up, you feel a special kind of love in your heart for one person, and that is usually between and man and woman, but sometimes between a man and a man or a woman and a woman. My 6 year asked, "I wonder if I'll marry a man or a woman when I grow up"? My response, you'll know in your heart. Recent conversation with 5 year, "everyone has a mom, right?" Answer: no, everyone starts their life in a woman's body, but that person is not always the mother. Like x & Y, who have no mother but only a father.

[Anonymous]

Our two girls want to marry lots of people. Next door neighbor (a girl)? Fine; maybe you will marry her when you grow up. Each other - no. Then we explain that you can't marry someone who is too close of a relative (this also cuts out Daddy, which they were sad to learn). And lots of kids at school have two daddies or mommies, and some of my friends at work, whose kids they play with, are two mommy families. For us, you can marry anyone you want, except a relative, works so far. Also, a man can love a man or a woman and a woman can love a woman or a man. Also, they know we recently have been to a same-sex wedding, and we talked about it just the same as a legal marriage (state did not permit gay marriage). We have not yet had to get into the discrimination thing yet, although I am sure someday we will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the one thing I have trouble with is telling kids that so and so has two mommies or two daddies. I am a realist. I teach my kids the truth about reproduction. What I have told them makes two parents of one sex impossible. I am like this wrt step parents too. We each have one mother and one father.
I might tell them that Johnnie calls them both mom, but he has one mother.

What about children who are adopted? What do you call their adopted parents?

I take it at face value that you want to be precise and accurate about the biology. But do you worry at all about the message you're sending to your children?

For example, is it possible that your children may somehow take away the message that same-sex parents, step parents (and possibly adoptive parents) aren't "real parents"? Even worse, what if they said such a thing to a classmate or friend with same sex, step- or adoptive parents. That could be incredibly hurtful to the children involved!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This question seems a little awkward, as if gays were zoo animals, or hot stoves, or crossing the street.

My father is gay, so that's the kids' grandfather. There's nothing to be taught. If the kids have questions about what it means to be gay, they will be answered as they are asked. I know in my own case, when I was little, my first questions were something like: "Do "Flo" and "Bev" love each other like a mommy and a daddy?" And the answer I got was simply, yes. There's no need for "teaching."

I disagree with this, unless you meant this as it specifically relates to your situation. Not everyone has gay friends or relatives, so it does have to be taught.

Yes, of course it has to be taught! Even the poster above had to be taught. She says she asked the question as a child about Flo and Bev and she got an answer. That's being taught.

And what if she did not have a gay parent and never had a reason to ask her parents about gay families? Without proactive teaching by her parents, it would be much more likely she'd eventually accept and incorporate the bigotry that circulates at schools. To me, it's a parent's job to educate and to teach values, including tolerance and acceptance. Talking about gay people and gay families is just one small piece of that.

P.S. I truly don't think the OP meant to suggest gay people are like zoo animals or that gay relationships were awkward curiosities! She just wanted advice on how to engage her children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This question seems a little awkward, as if gays were zoo animals, or hot stoves, or crossing the street.

My father is gay, so that's the kids' grandfather. There's nothing to be taught. If the kids have questions about what it means to be gay, they will be answered as they are asked. I know in my own case, when I was little, my first questions were something like: "Do "Flo" and "Bev" love each other like a mommy and a daddy?" And the answer I got was simply, yes. There's no need for "teaching."

I disagree with this, unless you meant this as it specifically relates to your situation. Not everyone has gay friends or relatives, so it does have to be taught.

Yes, of course it has to be taught! Even the poster above had to be taught. She says she asked the question as a child about Flo and Bev and she got an answer. That's being taught.

And what if she did not have a gay parent and never had a reason to ask her parents about gay families? Without proactive teaching by her parents, it would be much more likely she'd eventually accept and incorporate the bigotry that circulates at schools. To me, it's a parent's job to educate and to teach values, including tolerance and acceptance. Talking about gay people and gay families is just one small piece of that.

P.S. I truly don't think the OP meant to suggest gay people are like zoo animals or that gay relationships were awkward curiosities! She just wanted advice on how to engage her children.

I suppose I have a hard time understanding how people (families) - in THIS area, in particular - are not around single gays and gay couples. Growing up, I knew my best friend's brother was gay. My parents knew he was gay. But it was never anything that was "taught" to me. It was just a fact of life.

To this day, I have gay friends who are just that - friends. Their sexual preference means nothing to me - and more importantly, it means nothing to children. If you're around something for most of your life, it becomes natural and it's not questioned. In my children's eyes, John and Carlos are like Mary and Mike!

[Anonymous]

What do you tell your child about the use of the word "gay"?

My son says it in a pejorative way. "That's so gay". He heard it this way on the school bus.

I have told him, "Don't say that", and he asked me "Why not? What's wrong with the word "gay"? What does it mean that I can't say it?"

[Anonymous]

I think what you say all depends on the age of the kids... little ones don't need any explanation all families are different/what makes a family is love; at some point, older kids will have more detailed question. I don't want to further the fuss directed one of the PPs, but I will say that my older son started asking why a friend had "no" mom/dad. I pointed out that all babies are created with a mother and a father, but that some families have more moms and/or more dads, and isn't that great. He was probably 3yo, we didn't have a lot more questions but I expect more eventually (he knows an array of kids with different parental combinations) and I don't think it's a bad thing to explain different family structures to small children. They're kids - asking questions is not a malicious act, nor is sharing basic biological facts in an age-appropriate fashion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you tell your child about the use of the word "gay"?

My son says it in a pejorative way. "That's so gay". He heard it this way on the school bus.

I have told him, "Don't say that", and he asked me "Why not? What's wrong with the word "gay"? What does it mean that I can't say it?"

When a term that describes a population of people is used as an insult, it is an act if hatred against that group of people. It is like the use of the word "retard." People with intellectual disabilities, who at one time were referred to as "mentally retarded" are discriminated against as a group every time someone calls someone else a "retard."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This question seems a little awkward, as if gays were zoo animals, or hot stoves, or crossing the street.

My father is gay, so that's the kids' grandfather. There's nothing to be taught. If the kids have questions about what it means to be gay, they will be answered as they are asked. I know in my own case, when I was little, my first questions were something like: "Do "Flo" and "Bev" love each other like a mommy and a daddy?" And the answer I got was simply, yes. There's no need for "teaching."

I disagree with this, unless you meant this as it specifically relates to your situation. Not everyone has gay friends or relatives, so it does have to be taught.

Yes, of course it has to be taught! Even the poster above had to be taught. She says she asked the question as a child about Flo and Bev and she got an answer. That's being taught.

And what if she did not have a gay parent and never had a reason to ask her parents about gay families? Without proactive teaching by her parents, it would be much more likely she'd eventually accept and incorporate the bigotry that circulates at schools. To me, it's a parent's job to educate and to teach values, including tolerance and acceptance. Talking about gay people and gay families is just one small piece of that.

P.S. I truly don't think the OP meant to suggest gay people are like zoo animals or that gay relationships were awkward curiosities! She just wanted advice on how to engage her children.

Correct, it has to be taught, just like some PP mentioned that children have to be taught about discrimination/racism (something along those lines). Case in point, we were recently on a ski vacation in Austria, in a very small town. Very homogenous environment. My husband is AA, kids are biracial. (Kids are fluent in German, DH speaks passably). Anyway, small boy literally bumped into DH and DS#2, who is 4 yrs old (and looks kind of Caucasian/Italian). Little boy looks at DH and asks him in German "Why are you so black?" DS#2 says to little boy, in surprise, "Papa isn't black, he's brown...". Obviously not much teaching about different races going on in that little town in Austria... (Side note, we didn't find anything offensive, just kind of funny). Little boy's parents seemed mildly embarrassed, but were more interested by the fact that DH can speak German. Go figure.

[Anonymous]

P.S. I truly don't think the OP meant to suggest gay people are like zoo animals or that gay relationships were awkward curiosities! She just wanted advice on how to engage her children.

Thanks PP- definitely didn't mean this. I was just interested in the discussion.

This is a civil rights issue. For a politician or anyone to deny equal rights to someone b/c they are gay, is a deal breaker for me. I actually think that in the 30 and under age group, it is becoming increasing uncommon to believe gay people should not have equal rights. I have no scientific evidence, but most people I know seem to feel this way, conservative AND liberal. I'm 31 FWIW. And I know plenty of people above this age group also feel this way, I just think it is becoming increasingly rare to be raised with this viewpoint.

Its incredible to me that so many people presume their way of life has to be everyone else's.

[Anonymous]

I'd also say, to the "that's so gay" posters, that it is important to explain to kids why that is an inappropriate phrase and insult. I really believe that there is a disconnect for a lot of kids about why it's not a good thing to say- they really do mean that they think X is dumb or worthless and don't put that together with the use of the word. When you explain why it's hurtful, sometimes kids are shocked. (I do diversity education, and have seen this first hand). These are kids who would never call someone a faggot or a dyke, but use the "that's so gay" phrase without thinking. It will take a while to untrain their vocabulary.

I think of it a lot like the word "retarded". It was a very popular insult when I was in middle and high school, and yes, I used it with abandon. I have done my level best to eradicate it from my vocabulary because I think it is a terrible thing to say and makes me look like an ignorant fool, but I will tell you, even now I've said it without thinking. I'm still a work in progress, but I'm trying.

[Anonymous]

PP Do you do diversity ed in public schools? Hear "that's so gay" and "that's retarded" all the time at my kids' school.

[Anonymous]

We'll have to address the issue at some point because my brother-in-law is gay. I'm thinking that some variation of, "usually boys date and marry girls, but some boys date and marry boys and some girls date and marry girls." I think people are born gay or straight or bi and should be allowed/encouraged to date and marry the person they choose to date/marry. My super-religious brother, however, does not share those beliefs, which is why he and his wife are not in line to "inherit" my child if we die - I wouldn't want my daughter to be told that her uncle's sexual orientation is somehow wrong. I kind of hope that my daughter will know some kids with gay parents from a young age- maybe she'll grow up thinking that's nothing unusual.

[Anonymous]

Well, we are open minded Catholics and live in a more conservative area (Annapolis). We plan on telling our kids that most of the time, men and women fall in love, marry, and have babies, like our family. But sometimes, men choose to love men, and women choose to love women in a way that our religion doesn't approve of, but that we must treat everyone with respect and love and that it isn't our place to judge or discriminate.