Custody Q: one Aspergers parent and 1 aspergers kid

[Anonymous]

How do the family courts deal with legal and physical custody when one parent has ASD and one or more of the children do as well?

Keeping the routine and supporting the child in developing life skills and school skills/habits is of upmost importance. The child is bright but suffers big disconnects in executive functioning and has weekly tutoring, Occ Therapy and Behavior therapy. The father refuses therapy, and had a Dx late in life, before child actually. During marriage he would not or could not prompt said children in self care, homework, good choices.

I am deeply concerned that he will continue to unravel the ASD child’s progress and therapies during whatever custody time he will have. As he did at home when all living together. He is very lenient, and almost neglectful of anything’s needs, plus belligerent when asked or promoted. He loves the child, the issue is in caring for the child (elementary school) and diligently applying the therapy homework.

How to Courts view this when settings legal and physical customary, given Dx of a parent and the Child?

[Anonymous]

Not sure the age of the child but can the same nanny or tutor do more hours to parent the child more when at the dad’s house? That might bring consistency if he is so inconsistent.

[Anonymous]

You should really talk to attorneys and therapists. I have an ASD spouse who is not really able to care for our DC.

[Anonymous]

I think it's really going to depend on the laws and judges in your area. I know cases where one parent argued for weekday custody to ensure educational stability and the court agree and other cases where it did not matter to the court. Do you have a lawyer?

[Anonymous]

This is rough. I’m trying to parent with someone in denial of his symptoms and his formal diagnosis, and get help for our 8 yo who likely has his same disorders.
Maybe he doesn’t actually want custody responsibilities, just fun weeknight dinner and every other weekend?

[Anonymous]

For a while my ex wanted to preserve image and do 50/50 since his lawyer told him to. But by the end of the 6 month process he jumped at the idea of every other weekend plus Wednesday after school or if I have work travel.

He is much less stressed and angry. It’s still pizza and TV time for the kids or an outing. But it’s not undermining the children’s needed routine, therapy work or academic habits.

And I totally understand how they all regress a few grade levels when together, mainly goofing around. The kids outgrow that thought and he will have to find a new Go-To parenting tool.

[Anonymous]

Same question but kickoff question.
I have told him (HFa ASD husband, work addict) we need to separate many times over the last few years. It would be best for the kids not to be in this environment- eggshells, outbursts, neglect, silent father sitting on the couch. He would instantly yell at me or cry. Things like “how could you do this to the kids,” or “I’m never leaving this house, it is my house.”

This year I brought it up as an individual subject, how it’d be best for him and everyone to separate, he should come and get the kids when he can “be his best self,” every other weekend and maybe a dinner night. He said he’d think about it.

Well he hasn’t. I asked him a few weeks later what he had thought about and he flippantly said, he didn’t, and then made an excuse like he didn’t think I was serious.

Well I am serious. The kids are in a dysfunctional household and see extremely bad habits from their father.

Is this type able to mediate?

Does this type want 50/50 or not?

Does this type do ok during custody time?

Am I missing any other way the kids will suffer when with him? (Besides he’s forgetful, doesn’t talk much, late, loses stuff, lots of accidents)..

Kids are elementary school. I don’t think there’s any scenarios worse than the dysfunction we are currently living with and seeing from him when he is around. He ignores us all and makes messes, can’t even watch a kid for 20 mins if I step out.

[Anonymous]

Kickoff question is:

How do you get him to start talking divorce, move out, custody terms? He’s avoiding it and not responding.

While I don’t think he’s a good parent, I think a divorce and whatever custody, 90/10, 80;20, 50/50 would be better for them, me, and him.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he is going to avoid until you serve him. He needs to accept that you are serious and that he needs to undertake what is likely a very emotionally upsetting and logistically difficult process for him.

[Anonymous]

You file ans he gets served. Have your ducks lined up first.

[Anonymous]

May need to consider requesting a guardian ad litem (spelling?) to represent the kid, so court does not see it as an parent tug of war.

[Anonymous]

How much custody does your husband want?

Does your child have an IEP? Ask your lawyer about putting language in your divorce agreement that custodial parent must take child to all medical appointments including therapy. Failure to do so should be grounds for losing physical custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Same question but kickoff question.
I have told him (HFa ASD husband, work addict) we need to separate many times over the last few years. It would be best for the kids not to be in this environment- eggshells, outbursts, neglect, silent father sitting on the couch. He would instantly yell at me or cry. Things like “how could you do this to the kids,” or “I’m never leaving this house, it is my house.”

This year I brought it up as an individual subject, how it’d be best for him and everyone to separate, he should come and get the kids when he can “be his best self,” every other weekend and maybe a dinner night. He said he’d think about it.

Well he hasn’t. I asked him a few weeks later what he had thought about and he flippantly said, he didn’t, and then made an excuse like he didn’t think I was serious.

Well I am serious. The kids are in a dysfunctional household and see extremely bad habits from their father.

Is this type able to mediate?

Does this type want 50/50 or not?

Does this type do ok during custody time?

Am I missing any other way the kids will suffer when with him? (Besides he’s forgetful, doesn’t talk much, late, loses stuff, lots of accidents)..

Kids are elementary school. I don’t think there’s any scenarios worse than the dysfunction we are currently living with and seeing from him when he is around. He ignores us all and makes messes, can’t even watch a kid for 20 mins if I step out.

He thinks you are not serious, because for years you have been talking about it and not following through.

I suggest you may need to be the one to move out. Honestly if his condition is as serious as you describe he may not be capable of a collaborative divorce. He might just not be flexible enough and not able to handle the administrative matters. Plan as if you are going to move out and leave him there, and plan as if you are keeping the kids 100% and he gets them when he feels up to it.

[Anonymous]

OP you’re ridiculous thinking that you’re going to tell him you want to divorce and that he’s going to do the research and neatly give you his plan. If he could do that you wouldn’t be divorcing.

YOU need to figure out what you want, research it, ask for it and file for separation. YOU need to figure out how you’re going to live in separate houses and who’s going to move or whatever. If you wait for him to take initiative you’re going to be waiting fir a decade or more.

[Anonymous]

If he can't handle 20 minutes how can he handle 50/50? Maybe with older kids after he has had time to improve his skills he could have more, but it seems like you would be lucky to get once a week dinner, or playtime at your house.