Custody Q: one Aspergers parent and 1 aspergers kid

[Anonymous]

I think you need to see a financial planner. If you move out, you would want him to buy you out of your shared home (if you own). But he may refuse to cooperate and you may not get money for a while. If he won't pay child support you will need to garnish his wages which also takes forever. You need a substantial savings to bridge you over the transition as well as your legal fees.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:May need to consider requesting a guardian ad litem (spelling?) to represent the kid, so court does not see it as an parent tug of war.

What’s the tug of war here?

She sounds ready to offer 50/50 and that 50/50 is better for the kids than this current state of being.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much custody does your husband want?

Does your child have an IEP? Ask your lawyer about putting language in your divorce agreement that custodial parent must take child to all medical appointments including therapy. Failure to do so should be grounds for losing physical custody.

Can they put in language that the kid be on time for all appointments (ortho, sports practice, games, parties) as well?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How much custody does your husband want?

Does your child have an IEP? Ask your lawyer about putting language in your divorce agreement that custodial parent must take child to all medical appointments including therapy. Failure to do so should be grounds for losing physical custody.

Can they put in language that the kid be on time for all appointments (ortho, sports practice, games, parties) as well?

That can really come back to bite you if you're ever late. And single parenting two kids means that schedule conflicts do come up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May need to consider requesting a guardian ad litem (spelling?) to represent the kid, so court does not see it as an parent tug of war.

What’s the tug of war here?

She sounds ready to offer 50/50 and that 50/50 is better for the kids than this current state of being.

It seems to be over the house, and over his willingness to collaborate at all.

[Anonymous]

My guess is if your husband wants 50/50 custody he will get it. I think you should make it as low conflict as possible and see if he gets tired of 50/50 custody after a few monthsl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:May need to consider requesting a guardian ad litem (spelling?) to represent the kid, so court does not see it as an parent tug of war.

What’s the tug of war here?

She sounds ready to offer 50/50 and that 50/50 is better for the kids than this current state of being.

It seems to be over the house, and over his willingness to collaborate at all.

Well if he’s a stonewaller for divorce then he won’t show up for mediating. He’ll have to be served.

If he’s an aspie work addict he’s prob not the primary parent or even close, but Unf you cannot reason with those types so he will be a deer in headlights if asked to move out so his kids can stay in the house.

Sounds like a lawyer letter to get things going, he’ll get a lawyer and draft up some temporary terms on living arrangements, custody time and child support. Then see again if mediating could work. If not, clogged up court system sets the timelines.

[Anonymous]

It seems like you're a little bit in denial and hoping he's going to collaborate with you (or not be a giant pain) and that he's going to be an adequate parent for any amount of time longer than 20 minutes. And he's in denial that you're really going to divorce him and what that's going to mean for his lifestyle and his money. You need to do something to get him out of his denial, but that'll probably make life in the home much worse because he'll dysregulate and act out. I dunno what you can do about it. Maybe serve him and have a plan to stay elsewhere while he processes and calms down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It sounds like he is going to avoid until you serve him. He needs to accept that you are serious and that he needs to undertake what is likely a very emotionally upsetting and logistically difficult process for him.

Total wild card how someone this self absorbed and focused will react.
I can see him instantly acting confused and hurt that someone - who has brought up serious relationship difficulties - is divorcing him.
Line up a good specialist therapist for you or both of you as it plays out. He may need several 3rd parties coaching him along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It seems like you're a little bit in denial and hoping he's going to collaborate with you (or not be a giant pain) and that he's going to be an adequate parent for any amount of time longer than 20 minutes. And he's in denial that you're really going to divorce him and what that's going to mean for his lifestyle and his money. You need to do something to get him out of his denial, but that'll probably make life in the home much worse because he'll dysregulate and act out. I dunno what you can do about it. Maybe serve him and have a plan to stay elsewhere while he processes and calms down.

That’s probably all she can do, pay up for a second place while thugs get ironed out.
As for the inadequate parenting, if no mutual agreement on terms, imo put it at the courts feet and do what they decide, send them updates and accident reports.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you’re ridiculous thinking that you’re going to tell him you want to divorce and that he’s going to do the research and neatly give you his plan. If he could do that you wouldn’t be divorcing.

YOU need to figure out what you want, research it, ask for it and file for separation. YOU need to figure out how you’re going to live in separate houses and who’s going to move or whatever. If you wait for him to take initiative you’re going to be waiting fir a decade or more.

Op here. He won’t engage in conversations on the matter when I stop one of his tempers or arguments to point out how damaging it is or when calm a day or two later.
Child doesn’t have IeP at this point, it’s quite mild and school is progressive not tough.
I have talked with lawyers, half of whom understood mental disorders and DV, some if whom did not. A couple saw massive dollar signs at the prospect of fighting him for things. I’d sign sole or majority custody asap but wouldn’t pay $200,000 and waste years fighting with an insane person who has no emotions but anger.

I’m fine with him attempting custody time, I understand if he won’t talk I have to move out with the kids. I wouldn’t care to do the separation in the same house or nesting. He is too much of a slob for that to make sense.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my STBX, but he denies anything is wrong with him. He thinks he's more capable than he is. He keeps doing things that are bad for the kids even when asked to correct his behavior. When they were younger he was totally checked out. Now he's inflated himself to be this great guy that he's not. One of our kids has issues that are challenging to deal with, but flies under the radar. How old are your kids? Figure out the financial aspects and what you want in the way of custody. It is almost impossible to mediate with someone like that. It's like they don't understand how give and take works.

[Anonymous]

Just say, how can I best get full custody with only limited supervised visitation? And, how can I maximize my child support?

[Anonymous]

Are there any family law attorneys that specialize in ASD spouse divorce‽

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just say, how can I best get full custody with only limited supervised visitation? And, how can I maximize my child support?

Let him crash and burn with his custody time.