I don't want my husband there when I give birth

[Anonymous]

I'm due in a few weeks. Husband has been fairly awful toward me for the majority of this pregnancy. We were working towards divorcing when covid hit, then became pregnant unexpectedly. So, we've been trying to work through our issues. Therapy has not been helpful.

I'd rather he just stay with the older kids and I can have a friend come pick me up when I go into labor. The only reason I hesitate doing this is fear of his retaliation. I don't think he necessary cares about being there or being involved, it's just another thing on the dysfunctional relationship scoreboard for him. He wasn't particularly helpful at the birth of our other children so I don't think I'll regret this decision.

WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Sorry this sounds like a terrible situation. Why is therapy not working? Is it couples counseling? If not working, find a different therapist.

It does sound like divorce is still the better option, especially if you are just married for the sake of being married and not in an actual partnership.... pregnancy/baby only amplifies problems.

[Anonymous]

PP again, regarding the birth do whatever will be best for you. I can't answer WWYD bc I would have terminated a pregnancy if it was with someone I was about to divorce.

[Anonymous]

Can you frame it as he is the only one that you trust to take care of older kids?

How do you think he would retaliate? If you don’t feel safe at home, that’s an issue that needs fixing now.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I'd "let" him do whatever he wanted with regards to attending or not, but I'd move quickly on separation after. This sounds like a really bad situation, and having a new baby should compel you to leave sooner rather than later. I'm sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

I felt the same way. I think my gut was telling me I didn't feel safe around him, which is why I had such a visceral reaction to his presence during L&D.

The physical and emotional abuse began within days of getting home from the hospital. I finally left after three years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sorry this sounds like a terrible situation. Why is therapy not working? Is it couples counseling? If not working, find a different therapist.

It does sound like divorce is still the better option, especially if you are just married for the sake of being married and not in an actual partnership.... pregnancy/baby only amplifies problems.

OP here. Couples counseling and he sees a therapist individually. The joint counseling sessions just bring our issues to the surface, he becomes irate, then the session is over and we have to wait a week until the next one. Generally, he will stonewall me for a few days then by the time we were at least communicating again the cycle starts over.

He is incredibly reactive and his reality doesn't match my reality. I'll politely ask him to rinse a dish before he sets it next to the sink and he will accuse me of yelling at him, threaten to cut off my access to credit cards and vehicles and take the kids and leave me. I thought his alchoholism.was the main problem, but he hasn't drank anything in almost 6 months.

Truthfully, the stonewalling is preferable to the verbal abuse. But sometimes I get both interchangeably.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I felt the same way. I think my gut was telling me I didn't feel safe around him, which is why I had such a visceral reaction to his presence during L&D.

The physical and emotional abuse began within days of getting home from the hospital. I finally left after three years.

I definitely don't feel safe around him! I just wanted the opportunity to get my finances and etc. in order and have a plan to leave. I'm not even working right now and with 3 young kids and covid, I don't know how to go about getting safe childcare that we could afford.

[Anonymous]

Then have a good friend there and don't look back.

[Anonymous]

Talk to your ob. Maybe she can declare you an “emergency” and clear the room for the birth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry this sounds like a terrible situation. Why is therapy not working? Is it couples counseling? If not working, find a different therapist.

It does sound like divorce is still the better option, especially if you are just married for the sake of being married and not in an actual partnership.... pregnancy/baby only amplifies problems.

OP here. Couples counseling and he sees a therapist individually. The joint counseling sessions just bring our issues to the surface, he becomes irate, then the session is over and we have to wait a week until the next one. Generally, he will stonewall me for a few days then by the time we were at least communicating again the cycle starts over.

He is incredibly reactive and his reality doesn't match my reality. I'll politely ask him to rinse a dish before he sets it next to the sink and he will accuse me of yelling at him, threaten to cut off my access to credit cards and vehicles and take the kids and leave me. I thought his alchoholism.was the main problem, but he hasn't drank anything in almost 6 months.

Truthfully, the stonewalling is preferable to the verbal abuse. But sometimes I get both interchangeably.

He sounds absolutely awful, and it seems like this won't change. I would say do what it takes to not have him at the birth, and then try to get out immediately. Is there family or a friend you and the kids can stay with while you make a more permanent plan? I am so sorry you are going through this. I know it will be difficult and may seem like it's easier and less daunting to just stay and put up with him, but when you are on the other side you will be so happy you left. All the best.

[Anonymous]

I'd be nervous about leaving the kids with him, actually. I'd rather bring him to the hospital and then have him kicked out of the room or something. Can they stay with your friends or family, OP?

[Anonymous]

I would stop the couple counseling immediately, op.

[Anonymous]

Could've written this post when I was having my second. He was cheating on me at the time (which I didn't know and never could have imagined) and was beyond awful to me. At the time, divorce was not in my vocabulary.

It is 6 years later, we are divorced (happened a year later), and life is wonderful.

Please leave him. Right now. Make plans.

[Anonymous]

A. Get a lawyer. Think about divorce - know your options and protections. You have more rights than you realize.

B. Don't have him with you during L&D - it's going to make you more anxious and stressed and won't let you focus on you. I just gave birth to my first - alone. You can do it. It was the best decision I've made in the last 2 months.