How to offer support to parents without allowing it to drain me?
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Anonymous
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My parents didn’t properly plan/save for retirement, and now that they are in the thick of it, are experiencing the subsequent financial implications. It’s sad all around. I feel terrible and, while I’m in no position to assist them financially, I’m finding my emotional support is taking its toll on me. I don’t know what to do anymore. My mother will accept NO advice from me, so I don’t even try anymore, all I do is offer basic platitudes of support. But it’s still draining.
Every week I get a call from my mother crying, complaining, telling me about her latest disaster. I feel awful, but what can I do or say? They have no other outlet, other than me, their only child. So how do I offer support and an ear without having it mentally drain me? I try to tune it out, offer the basic support I mention, I’ve even planned a time and a place to talk where I will “leave it” afterwards, but this feeling of ...something... always lingers. How can I drop that? |
Anonymous
| What exactly? They have a roof over their head, true? Food to eat? What exactly is the problem? |
Anonymous
| I don't know, but I feel the same OP. Except I'm lucky enough that I have a sibling and we can tag team. It really sucks and it feels like you can never really be happy or enjoy anything good because of the guilt of having your parents being in a bad situation. And it's the feeling of powerlessness to help them that is the most draining part. |
Anonymous
Bills. They don’t live outside their means— they keep the heat low and wear blankets and sweaters for example— but somehow SS isn’t enough and, like I said, they have no supplemental income from any retirement savings. So when something BIG comes up (last time it was a roof leak), she cries and complains, as one does in their situation, absolutely, if not just from regret. |
Anonymous
Just listen to her complain, and try to do small things to cheer her up. That could be sending a text message picture of beautiful things, or mailing some cookies, or sending a small amount of money that you can afford, and saying, this won't fix the problem but do try to take your mind off of it. I think if that's all you can do, then do it. |
Anonymous
| They need to move to low-income housing, an apartment, so they aren't responsible for maintenance. They need to move to wherever, to whatever, they can afford |
Anonymous
SS is low and TAXED. It is perfectly understandable that it isn't enough. Medical bills, even with good insurance, destroyed my folks retirement and savings. Also, my parents had roof damage from a storm that needed repair-immediately-and the insurance was trying to avoid it. $30k. I don't regret helping them. If they need to be moved into a home that is smaller or will require less maintenance, do it. We try to get bigger things as gifts so what money they have allows them to still function without being embarrassed and feeling like they lean on us for everything (because they don't, even if they can't absorb curveballs). The lack of money is due to a systemic problem. Even if you can scrape by day to day, a roof leak, car break, freak storm or accident can throw you for a loop. That's true for most people. Distance yourself emotionally a bit if you need to but be fair. Unless they gambled it away or something truly irresponsible then I think you are being too harsh. |
Anonymous
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I don't know OP, but you're not alone. My mother has been a complainer with high anxiety her whole life and it has only gotten worse, way worse with age.
I cannot talk to her much anymore - so I limit it - and it isn't even that they are in the position yours are in at all, I just think this is common that many elderly have not much to do and can get very negative. I have no problem talking to my father. |
Anonymous
| OP, is your mother open to solutions, no matter how hard they may be? For example, sell the house and move into an affordable rental, sell a car (if they have 2), get easy p/t jobs. Or does she just want to complain? If that's the case you have my sympathy. Endless help-rejecting complaining is exhausting. |
Anonymous
+1 What is your mother expecting you to do? It's perfectly reasonable for you to tell her how difficult it is to listen if/when she is unwilling to work towards a solution. Why don't your parents get jobs (grocery store, Walmart if nothing else)? Have they worked with social services? |
Anonymous
| How old are they? Are they mobile—able to get a job? |
Anonymous
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OP here. I have offered suggestions, one that would have saved them money that they scoffed because I was “too young to understand”, and it bit them in the behind. They got defensive after that and I no longer offer advice. It’s always “what could I know about that”.
Won’t move, house is “free” since it’s paid off and taxes are low. Won’t get a job, wants to come and go as they please, so that’s “not a option” for them. So it’s hard because they complain just to complain. |
Anonymous
| It they don’t take your advice, turn just nod and say “that sucks.” Limit phone calls and try some self care. - an only child too |
Anonymous
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How old are they, are they able to work, and do they live in a high cost of living area?
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Anonymous
| I would just not talk to them as often. Do NOT enable someone unwilling to take your advice. They will take advantage if you for sure. |