How to offer support to parents without allowing it to drain me?

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I’d let them know what a burden they are with the endless complaining without any attempt to make changes. Time for some tough love. Stop enabling the complaining.

“Mom, I’m so tired of listening to you complain when you choose not to do anything about it. I can’t take it. Call me when you’re ready to take some steps. I’m going to hang up now.”

Then just back off.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered suggestions, one that would have saved them money that they scoffed because I was “too young to understand”, and it bit them in the behind. They got defensive after that and I no longer offer advice. It’s always “what could I know about that”.

Won’t move, house is “free” since it’s paid off and taxes are low.

Won’t get a job, wants to come and go as they please, so that’s “not a option” for them.

So it’s hard because they complain just to complain.

They need to sell the house and move into a low income apartment.

[Anonymous]

Fog (just keep repeating - it takes practice, but if consistent, will yield results):

Mom, I am so sorry to hear about the leak.

After five minutes: Mom, I've been listening to you about the leak for 5 minutes. I am sorry it happened, can we move on to something else? Tell me about something good!

If she goes back: Mom, I heard you about the leak, but I cannot fix it. Please tell me about something good!

I am still sorry about the leak, we've been talking about it for a long time. I am happy to discuss something else, or we can hang up and talk another time.

I love you mom, and, I am not willing to listen about the leak any longer. Looking forward to talking to you another time. Love you! *And hang up.*

[Anonymous]

Yes, this:

“Mom, I’m so tired of listening to you complain when you choose not to do anything about it. I can’t take it. Call me when you’re ready to take some steps. I’m going to hang up now.”

You’re not responsible for managing their emotions any more than you’re responsible for fixing their problems that they got themselves into through their own free will.

[Anonymous]

Been there in a different way. Some ideas:

1.) Call her doctor and let the doctor know you are concerned about her level of anxiety and depression. Dr. can't talk to you, but will take that into consideration, evaluate and make recs.

2.) Set your boundaries. You are happy to do x, y and Z, but the constant complaining with no action wears you down. It's time for them to move. If they chose not to it's on them. Make it clear you do not have the money to help. They are perfectly capable of downsizing so they have more money.

3.) I assume they are disabled by dementia, physical disabilities or severe mental illness ? if they are not disabled, then don't enable them to behave like they are. "Mom, you can move to a smaller place so you have more funds. I am happy to call movers or help you find a place, but I will not listen to the endless complaining if you refuse to problem solve."

[Anonymous]

I meant...I assume they are NOT disabled....you help someone truly disabled, but you don't enable a capable person.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they're in one of those cycles of "I've tried nothing and nothing works.

I don't know if it will be worth your time and money to try and hire some kind of financial advisor who can help them with managing their money or give them that hard truth bomb that they probably need to sell their house if they don't have the income to maintain it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I have offered suggestions, one that would have saved them money that they scoffed because I was “too young to understand”, and it bit them in the behind. They got defensive after that and I no longer offer advice. It’s always “what could I know about that”.

Won’t move, house is “free” since it’s paid off and taxes are low.

Won’t get a job, wants to come and go as they please, so that’s “not a option” for them.

So it’s hard because they complain just to complain.

They have agency, but would rather dump their negative emotions on your rather than do anything. I'd just change the subject to something more pleasant, and if Mom doesn't cooperate I'd get off the phone. I also wouldn't be supplementing their income if they refuse to take the equity out of their home and move into something they can afford to maintain. Been there, done that. You have my sympathies...it's hard.