Help having a conversation with a friend from a different financial situation

[Anonymous]

I have a very close friend that married a few years ago and her DH’s grandparents were extremely wealthy. I don’t know all the details but they own multimillion dollar homes, etc.. Primary residence is 10,000 square feet in sought after area.

My DH and I live a totally different lifestyle, professionals, live in somewhat modest 2400 sf 4 bed home in very expensive sought after area, regular couple saving for retirement, college, but objectively doing well.

We are very close. talk everyday, see each other several times a week... but lately I just feel like she simply cannot relate at all and some of her comments come off as critical and judgmental even though, I can sincerely say, she’s a very kind person and would not mean any malice saying it, it would just be ignorance of her part. She has said on so many occasions that our mom is small and don’t I want something bigger with kids.. I tried to explain to her that for “normal” people it’s not that easy to just upgrade your hone size significantly in our area.. we don’t just have an extra $600k lying around.. It’s like she can differentiate they are uber wealthy and we are not. And there are so many conversations like that. I don’t want there to be conflict in our friendship but even if it’s not her intention, some of it is insulting. Clearly she must recognize that most 30 year old professionals aren’t buying 4mil homes and the types of people that do are not your doctors, lawyers and tech people.. they had some major financial event occur whether they sold a company or have a significant trust. I just told her she couldn’t relate to me and it was frustrating trying to explain to her that we have a budget because she would often challenge back that she did too..

[Anonymous]

sorry for types!
house not mom
and she cannot differentiate ..

[Anonymous]

Did she grow up that wealthy or idid the wealth come into her life after marriage?

Since it sounds like she’s done this at least several times, she may be taking a passive-aggressive dig at you for some other reason.

Maybe her ego needs a boost and she wants to feel that you envy her.

But also consider how you talk to her — could she be taking offense with how you may have said something to her? Maybe she doesn’t like you saying that you’re “normal people,” possibly implying to her that she’s not normal. Or your long explanations may come off to her as if she lacks the intelligence to figure out what’s pretty obvious. Try bringing it up with her — like, “is everything okay or are you upset with me for some reason?“

Otherwise all you can do is be a broken record and keep repeating, “we just can’t afford that,” or a more light-hearted “only if we win the lottery.”

[Anonymous]

I th8nk you need to be honest and frank with her. You can be the one that keeps her in touch with reality.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need to explain yourself to this friend. Either change the subject or tell her moving to a bigger house/car/nicer vacation isn’t up for debate. Be assertive and shut it down.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did she grow up that wealthy or idid the wealth come into her life after marriage?

Since it sounds like she’s done this at least several times, she may be taking a passive-aggressive dig at you for some other reason.

Maybe her ego needs a boost and she wants to feel that you envy her.

But also consider how you talk to her — could she be taking offense with how you may have said something to her? Maybe she doesn’t like you saying that you’re “normal people,” possibly implying to her that she’s not normal. Or your long explanations may come off to her as if she lacks the intelligence to figure out what’s pretty obvious. Try bringing it up with her — like, “is everything okay or are you upset with me for some reason?“

Otherwise all you can do is be a broken record and keep repeating, “we just can’t afford that,” or a more light-hearted “only if we win the lottery.”

Oh, please. It’s not normal to be vastly wealthy. The rich don’t get to have their cake and eat it, too. They’re not “just like us”. And yet they all insist they’re middle class. She doesn’t get all the privileges that accrue to huge wealth and then feel hurt when other people point it out.

[Anonymous]

I never understand these friendships and how you interact. I would just say "b***h stop acting brand new! you just got money five minutes ago so you know how the rest of us live!" and if that bothered her then we probably should go on and find new people to befriend.

[Anonymous]

Why don't you stop blaming your house choice on finances and just say that you're happy with your house and don't feel like you need something bigger? Take finances out of the equation because it's just going to frustrate both of you.

Unless you are complaining to her about the house, it's really obnoxious to tell someone that their house is small and they should upgrade. Next time she starts, just tell her "We like our house, we're not moving, and please stop bringing it up."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a very close friend that married a few years ago and her DH’s grandparents were extremely wealthy. I don’t know all the details but they own multimillion dollar homes, etc.. Primary residence is 10,000 square feet in sought after area.

My DH and I live a totally different lifestyle, professionals, live in somewhat modest 2400 sf 4 bed home in very expensive sought after area, regular couple saving for retirement, college, but objectively doing well.

We are very close. talk everyday, see each other several times a week... but lately I just feel like she simply cannot relate at all and some of her comments come off as critical and judgmental even though, I can sincerely say, she’s a very kind person and would not mean any malice saying it, it would just be ignorance of her part. She has said on so many occasions that our mom is small and don’t I want something bigger with kids.. I tried to explain to her that for “normal” people it’s not that easy to just upgrade your hone size significantly in our area.. we don’t just have an extra $600k lying around.. It’s like she can differentiate they are uber wealthy and we are not. And there are so many conversations like that. I don’t want there to be conflict in our friendship but even if it’s not her intention, some of it is insulting. Clearly she must recognize that most 30 year old professionals aren’t buying 4mil homes and the types of people that do are not your doctors, lawyers and tech people.. they had some major financial event occur whether they sold a company or have a significant trust. I just told her she couldn’t relate to me and it was frustrating trying to explain to her that we have a budget because she would often challenge back that she did too..

I can somewhat sympathize. My family of 4 is in a two bedroom 1 bath apartment while my best friend bought her fourth home during the pandemic because she didn’t want neighbors who might have Covid. She doesn’t relate at all to any of the challenges I experience. However, she is a great listening about problems that you can’t throw money at —and it turns out that there are a lot of those when you have kids with any kind of special need. So we mainly talk about our kids’ anxiety and the good old days in college.

[Anonymous]

She does not sound like the kind of person I’d want to be friends with, despite how “nice” you say she is. She’s shallow, out of touch, snotty, and materialistic. Not to mention rude and classless AF. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these friendships and how you interact. I would just say "b***h stop acting brand new! you just got money five minutes ago so you know how the rest of us live!" and if that bothered her then we probably should go on and find new people to befriend.

This is the perfect way to handle your rich, snooty friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these friendships and how you interact. I would just say "b***h stop acting brand new! you just got money five minutes ago so you know how the rest of us live!" and if that bothered her then we probably should go on and find new people to befriend.

OP's friend sounds awful but I would enjoy being friends with you.

[Anonymous]

I’ve tried a few of these things and it’s not working.

- “We don’t have the same budget as you guys. We will be doing something like this... “
- “We can’t afford that. That would be at least a million dollars we don’t have”
- “We just feel lucky to be in the area we are but a bigger house isn’t likely to happen”
- “Our situations are just different.. “

Finally I said it made me uncomfortable. She just said that she was offended and they didn’t get any help and tried to explain it as they have no income and huge a bank account that pays them interest and I’m like “how are you not understanding that’s the very thing I’m talking about, imagine your life without that and that’s where we are”

[Anonymous]

And I also tried the, what kind of house did you grow up in? just to bring things back to perspective... I just don’t think there’s anything I can say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve tried a few of these things and it’s not working.

- “We don’t have the same budget as you guys. We will be doing something like this... “
- “We can’t afford that. That would be at least a million dollars we don’t have”
- “We just feel lucky to be in the area we are but a bigger house isn’t likely to happen”
- “Our situations are just different.. “

Finally I said it made me uncomfortable. She just said that she was offended and they didn’t get any help and tried to explain it as they have no income and huge a bank account that pays them interest and I’m like “how are you not understanding that’s the very thing I’m talking about, imagine your life without that and that’s where we are”

Then just start saying "I'm done talking about my house and I'm going to go now" and hang up/leave/whatever you need to do.