Help having a conversation with a friend from a different financial situation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And I also tried the, what kind of house did you grow up in? just to bring things back to perspective... I just don’t think there’s anything I can say.

Sounds like she did not grow up wealthy so she should most definitely get it and understand. I think she is being passive agressive and making digs / looking down on you now that she is wealthy and playing dumb. I'd probably no longer be friends with her if she continues to act like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve tried a few of these things and it’s not working.

- “We don’t have the same budget as you guys. We will be doing something like this... “
- “We can’t afford that. That would be at least a million dollars we don’t have”
- “We just feel lucky to be in the area we are but a bigger house isn’t likely to happen”
- “Our situations are just different.. “

Finally I said it made me uncomfortable. She just said that she was offended and they didn’t get any help and tried to explain it as they have no income and huge a bank account that pays them interest and I’m like “how are you not understanding that’s the very thing I’m talking about, imagine your life without that and that’s where we are”

Assuming you're the OP- if you tell her flat-out you're uncomfortable being told your house is too small and needs to be upgraded, and the most empathetic response your "friend" can muster is "I'm offended because we pulled ourselves up by our bootstraps" she sounds insufferable and I would probably scale down contact.

[Anonymous]

She does not sound so kind.

At this point, I'd tell her she's being offensive and let the chips fall where they may.

Eesh already.

[Anonymous]

Thanks. I wonder if our situations are just so different we can’t really be close friends.

I more or less said that and she just responds defensively about how they don’t have salary- just live off investments, they aren’t as rich as I think they are, they have a mortgage too, etc..

I do find it a little bit of “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” ... if you’re rich and want to talk about your money, own it and I’ll be happy for you but don’t act like you’re “just like us” at the same time or try to give advice on what we should do or spend on based on your budget when you clearly know we can’t spend $500k on a kitchen remodel. This conversation started because I was showing her photos of a beautiful remodel in my neighborhood in a home comparable to my own and she was critiquing everything “that’s paint grade cabinets, that’s a middle grade range.. our cabinets alone were $150k” I don’t know how to explain to someone why we 1. could never and 2. would never put $150k cabinets in our home .. it seems obvious someone would know you just wouldn’t get that back in resale unless the house is $5mil. I said “well this is in line with what we would do and what makes sense for our home price point and area” ... I don’t get it. I have plenty of friends who things are understood without saying. I also wouldn’t suggest my social worker friend move into our neighborhood or upgrade, knowing that it’s likely not a possibility.

[Anonymous]

We ... talk everyday, see each other several times a week... but lately I just feel like she simply cannot relate

OP, you dial back. You need to see her less. You need to talk less. With "less", your expectations will be less. That is the only way for this friendship to survive. Empower yourself. You control the frequency. You are letting resentment build. Resentment will kill this friendship --- and it won't matter "who" wasn't understanding, or who said what.

... if the frequency YOU establish is less than she wants, she *may* reflect on the friendship and think deeper about it. She may not. But change-of-attititude has to come from her. Through some self reflection. Nothing you say, no magic words, are going to make it happen.

[Anonymous]

OP, she sounds defensive. She wants to appear that they "work" too, and how it's hard to live off of investments. She clearly doesn't get that this is a very different kind of situation, but wants credit for her "stress". In her mind, her stress is as bad as you're stress. I also think that your phrasing makes her feel as if you think she has no problems.

I hate to say it, but I think this friendship might no longer work, each of you in some way resenting the other for the comments you make to each other.

Having friends in different socio-economic groups rarely works longterm.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, OP, she’s not that nice and lacks empathy. Accept that and remain friends (perhaps there are other redeeming characteristics) or let her go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, she sounds defensive. She wants to appear that they "work" too, and how it's hard to live off of investments. She clearly doesn't get that this is a very different kind of situation, but wants credit for her "stress". In her mind, her stress is as bad as you're stress. I also think that your phrasing makes her feel as if you think she has no problems.

I hate to say it, but I think this friendship might no longer work, each of you in some way resenting the other for the comments you make to each other.

Having friends in different socio-economic groups rarely works longterm.

Well I certainly don’t think her situation is stress free. She’s opened up about things about the situation, like not being on deeds, etc. So I know the situation has it’s own set of issues for her and I’ve tried to be helpful or supportive of that. But I agree, I think due to the huge gap in our socio-economic backgrounds I don’t think we can be friends long term.

[Anonymous]

I am not American and would be blunt. "A home like that costs $1M. We don't earn enough to be able to afford this."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these friendships and how you interact. I would just say "b***h stop acting brand new! you just got money five minutes ago so you know how the rest of us live!" and if that bothered her then we probably should go on and find new people to befriend.

You are my people! Stop over for a virtual glass of wine today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks. I wonder if our situations are just so different we can’t really be close friends.

I more or less said that and she just responds defensively about how they don’t have salary- just live off investments, they aren’t as rich as I think they are, they have a mortgage too, etc..

I do find it a little bit of “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” ... if you’re rich and want to talk about your money, own it and I’ll be happy for you but don’t act like you’re “just like us” at the same time or try to give advice on what we should do or spend on based on your budget when you clearly know we can’t spend $500k on a kitchen remodel. This conversation started because I was showing her photos of a beautiful remodel in my neighborhood in a home comparable to my own and she was critiquing everything “that’s paint grade cabinets, that’s a middle grade range.. our cabinets alone were $150k” I don’t know how to explain to someone why we 1. could never and 2. would never put $150k cabinets in our home .. it seems obvious someone would know you just wouldn’t get that back in resale unless the house is $5mil. I said “well this is in line with what we would do and what makes sense for our home price point and area” ... I don’t get it. I have plenty of friends who things are understood without saying. I also wouldn’t suggest my social worker friend move into our neighborhood or upgrade, knowing that it’s likely not a possibility.

It's not because your situations are different. You can't be close friends because she sounds like a real asshole.

1) The size of your house is none of her business and it's beyond rude to comment on it.
2) You've told her multiple times that getting a different house is not in your plans and she continues to push it. Who does that?
3) Why is this so important to her? I'll tell you why. She doesn't want to be friends who live in what she considers a low class, tiny little house. She doesn't care about you. She cares about status.

So.... why are you friends with this person? Have a little self-respect and kick her to the curb.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these friendships and how you interact. I would just say "b***h stop acting brand new! you just got money five minutes ago so you know how the rest of us live!" and if that bothered her then we probably should go on and find new people to befriend.

😂 I know one of my sista girls wrote this because I would said the same shit!

[Anonymous]

I’ve cut out people like that from my life. They are either clueless or lack empathy/insight. Who needs to be explaining things over and over?

[Anonymous]

It looks like the friendship has run its course.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never understand these friendships and how you interact. I would just say "b***h stop acting brand new! you just got money five minutes ago so you know how the rest of us live!" and if that bothered her then we probably should go on and find new people to befriend.

This!

I also do not understand the pussy-footing around. Why don’t you speak your mind and call her ridiculousness out?!