Tips for kids who are "handfuls"
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Anonymous
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DD just turned two and is sweet, funny, curious and lovely in a lot of ways. She is also very strong willed and dramatic for lack of a better word. A new part time nanny just started and said she has never experienced anything like this. If you have a child like this, what are some techniques/resources you have found helpful?
Below will be long but just to answer questions before they come up...she gets a lot of outdoor and exercise time every day, we believe she is neurotypical, we have read No Bad Kids and understand this is a developmental stage etc. I'm starting 123 Magic and Raising Your Spirited Child. |
Anonymous
| 123 Magic would have been my suggestion. |
Anonymous
| Change your parenting and figure out what works for her. Be consistent with discipline each and every time (time out) and make sure to spend 1-1 time with her every day. |
Anonymous
| OP, it would help to get more specific examples of the challenges. All two-year-olds have meltdowns and struggle with big emotions, and most also go through a phase of asserting themselves (mine is still in that one at 3!). But it sounds like you are having above-average experiences, so it would help to know what a bad episode is like in order to provide suggestions. |
Anonymous
| Really? A 2 yr old who is strong-willed and dramatic? How unique! |
Anonymous
| Sounds like you have a very inexperienced nanny. |
Anonymous
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OP here- I'm just going to ignore the unhelpful posts. Thanks for taking the time to chime in though I guess! The nanny is a career nanny who has been doing this for 25 years. We've also gotten comments from a pediatrician family member and my MIL who raised six kids. We also have another child who isn't anything like this, so I do have some perspective.
An example: today she didn't get milk when she asked for it, even though she know (we never, ever waiver on this) that she only gets it for breakfast, at nap and at bedtime. While crying she purposefully sprinted into a wall, purposefully hit her head ON the wall and started screaming on the floor. This went on for about 30 minutes. This was one of about 15 meltdowns today. I AM trying to change my parenting, that's why I asked for tips and techniques from those who have BTDT. Thank you to anyone with experience to share! |
Anonymous
It's not unique dumbass that's why OP is asking for advice. |
Anonymous
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Preschool teacher of twos here:
I think that, in the face of meltdowns, your role is just to remain calm and firm on whatever the rule is. A child throwing a tantrum is a child who has lost control for the moment, so be a calm presence to help the child self-regulate again. It's worth thinking through ahead of time, are some of the rules not really necessary? As the parent, you of course decide which things matter and which things you can let slide. Create a space where the adult can say Yes to the child: a very childproofed space where the things the child can touch are OK to touch. Give the child choices. Young children want some control, so let them choose among two things that you are fine with: do you want the red pants or the blue pants today? Should we clean up the trains now or in two minutes? Stick to a routine: have a daily schedule so things are predictable. |
Anonymous
OP- thanks! We do a lot of this, especially the choices and the schedule. Are there any books or podcasts/programs you recommend to parents with particularly challenging toddlers? |
Anonymous
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Magic 1-2-3 has a positive reinforcement section that worked for us.
The start behavior method was also helpful. The stop behavior method was mostly useless. Also giving a countdown warning got transitions to new activities. In 15 minutes we are going to school, 5 minutes, time to go... instead of okay it’s 8, time to go to school. |
Anonymous
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I agree with the suggestion to give choices. In general, even very verbal two and three year olds have less expressed language compared to their receptive language skills, and, often, lots and lots of feelings and ideas that they can’t easily express. For many kids, it helps if you can help articulate some of this. Even if you guess wrong, it’s often helpful. The goal is to get them to “use words” while also recognizing, sympathetically, that they may not have the “right” words to use yet. I would do this while consistently enforcing a small number of rules for safety. I might also try to distract her and calmly repeat what can happen later when she’s calmer. The deliberate head banging would be concerning to me. If it happens more than once, I think you should mention it to your pediatrician.
Good for you with the regular vigorous exercise and 1,2,3 Magic (I’ve heard good thingd about this from people with tough kids). |
Anonymous
| I prefer The Explosive Child instead of 1 2 3 Magic. Have tried both and The Explosive Child works better for my explosive child. |
Anonymous
| I would let go of rules like the milk rule. Ask yourself what the essential rules are in your house and enforce those (the essential ones are probably about safety, not about how often she gets milk). Your daughter might be having trouble with too many rules. |
Anonymous
| OP, can you give us a rundown of the rules and routines in your house? Maybe you first DC was extra relaxed, and didn’t mind extra rules. FWIW, I let my kids have milk more than 3x a day. |