Supporting a friend after death if a child

[Anonymous]

I'm having a hard time finding ways to support a friend and understand her after her child died last year. She immediately got pregnant and now has a newborn that she can barely care for because she's still grieving her other child.

Of course with COVID the usual gestures are hard, but I'm also struggling with the messiness - meaning I feel like what she really needs is time alone to grieve and can't get it because I (and others) can't physically help.

I worry about her state of mind, possible PPD and general sense of being overwhelmed. I came here to unload my worries because I can't in person.

[Anonymous]

This happened to a friend of mine. It has been a complete wreck and her and her husband are on the verge of divorcing. Do you know if she is in therapy? If she isn’t, please encourage her to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to a friend of mine. It has been a complete wreck and her and her husband are on the verge of divorcing. Do you know if she is in therapy? If she isn’t, please encourage her to go.

She isn't mostly because with everything she is juggling she feels like she can't. I wish things were better for her. I know her new child is a blessing, but I want her to be able to heal.

I haven't asked about their marriage, but I wouldn't be surprised if its rough right now. I can't imagine - death - covid - pregnancy - hospital and now more work, no time for help.

[Anonymous]

Just reach out to her and ask her how she's doing. Don't push any agenda and leave it open ended.

[Anonymous]

it's not for you to decide how she should be healing. It's not your place to speculate on her ability to take care of her baby or the state of her marriage. If she's not confiding in you, maybe you are not that close or maybe she's doesn't need your help.

[Anonymous]

How old was the child when they died? Having a stillborn is very different than having a three year old die.

[Anonymous]

Or maybe she knows you are judging her for getting pregnant too quickly (whatever that means).

[Anonymous]

Good stuff on here, OP,
https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/938955.page

[Anonymous]

Honestly the way you are talking about your friend here, I don’t think you are the right person to support her.

[Anonymous]

You don’t sound supportive. Clearly you are judging her for her choices. Back away and let her find support from someone who isn’t going to judge her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How old was the child when they died? Having a stillborn is very different than having a three year old die.

Her daughter was 9 months old and died rapidly, but not suddenly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe she knows you are judging her for getting pregnant too quickly (whatever that means).

I didn't say that? She got pregnant the month her daughter died. My question is related to how to support her when she doesn't have time to heal due to juggling her family commitments but also in a COVID safe way.

[Anonymous]

How do you know she's struggling? Would she be open to a postpartum doula coming some? Can you send meals, run to the grocery store for her, go on a walk with her and baby, offer to push baby around in stroller around outside with you wearing a mask?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old was the child when they died? Having a stillborn is very different than having a three year old die.

Her daughter was 9 months old and died rapidly, but not suddenly.

So she was terminally ill? Perhaps the mom had time to make her peace with the illness and let go - even if you think she should be suffering more. And getting pregnant the month her daughter died sounds like a coincidence not a planned attempt at replacing her grief.

Has she expressed that she needs help or is drowning? If yes, point her to resources. If you just THINK she should be, shh. It is not your place to decide how someone is grieving

[Anonymous]

And how to relate to her? Like a person. Call her. Talk about your life, her life. Ask about the baby. Follow her lead on mentioning the child she lost. Use the child's name. Share a positive memory. You won't "remind" her that she lost a child. She knows that every second of every day. But you will show her people remember her child.