My entire family takes me for granted

[Anonymous]

Because I am mom. Whereas Dad gets huge kudos for anytime he "helps" out -- "isn't it so great Dad made lunch today?" (as opposed to every other day when mom makes it?) How did I get here? I have tried hard to set equal gender expectations -- that both men and women have equal responsibility around the house, and in the above example, my 10 yo DD is telling me I should be appreciative of Dad, and when I point out that I do the bulk of it, she's like "well that your responsibility!" How the hell did I raise such an unfeminist daughter?

And yes, I have a job too. We are both working from home during this pandemic. They come to me for anything and everything (including things they can do themselves -- like get a snack). I tell them to ask their dad, and they're all "but he's working!" What do they think I'm doing?!

I feel like getting in the car and driving away from these ungrateful sods.

[Anonymous]

It's not too late OP! For things they can do themselves, just stop doing it for them. That's better than training them to go to Dad.

How is the split of duties between you and DH?

[Anonymous]

This is your family. You're supposed to love them with all your heart. When you have kids they are supposed to come first. They aren't ungrateful. They are doing what life calls depending on Mom.

Let your ego go and do what Moms do. Be Mom. What did you expect when you had kids ? Surely you had some idea. They are kids for God's sake. NOT SODS.

Now go be nice and kiss your kids. Tell them you love them. Make your house harmony based.

[Anonymous]

Mine are older (post college). I’m the one they call and communicate with instead of my DH. Just remember you are in this for the long haul and being there for them now will pay off later.

[Anonymous]

Did you tell your DD that it's not actually solely your responsibility to feed the family? Maybe it's time for everyone to start rotating lunch duty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Because I am mom. Whereas Dad gets huge kudos for anytime he "helps" out -- "isn't it so great Dad made lunch today?" (as opposed to every other day when mom makes it?) How did I get here? I have tried hard to set equal gender expectations -- that both men and women have equal responsibility around the house, and in the above example, my 10 yo DD is telling me I should be appreciative of Dad, and when I point out that I do the bulk of it, she's like "well that your responsibility!" How the hell did I raise such an unfeminist daughter?

And yes, I have a job too. We are both working from home during this pandemic. They come to me for anything and everything (including things they can do themselves -- like get a snack). I tell them to ask their dad, and they're all "but he's working!" What do they think I'm doing?!

I feel like getting in the car and driving away from these ungrateful sods.

I have a very strong hunch that when your kids go to their dad he says "go away I'm working" and then turns back to his computer. And when they come to you, you say "ugh, I'm working!" and then get them what they asked for. Or get them what they asked for within the next 30 mins.

If so - that's the thing to fix, with your husband's help. From now one, questions from 9am-1pm go to Mom, from 1-5pm they go to Dad. They come to you at 3pm, tell them to scram. Don't lift a finger. And don't get them a snack if they can get it themselves!!

Kids aren't stupid. They'll ask someone 50 times for something (approximately). If 10 of those times, they get a yes, they'll keep asking forever. If they get 50 no's they'll give up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your family. You're supposed to love them with all your heart. When you have kids they are supposed to come first. They aren't ungrateful. They are doing what life calls depending on Mom.

Let your ego go and do what Moms do. Be Mom. What did you expect when you had kids ? Surely you had some idea. They are kids for God's sake. NOT SODS.

Now go be nice and kiss your kids. Tell them you love them. Make your house harmony based.

Don’t you think this should apply to dads, too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Because I am mom. Whereas Dad gets huge kudos for anytime he "helps" out -- "isn't it so great Dad made lunch today?" (as opposed to every other day when mom makes it?) How did I get here? I have tried hard to set equal gender expectations -- that both men and women have equal responsibility around the house, and in the above example, my 10 yo DD is telling me I should be appreciative of Dad, and when I point out that I do the bulk of it, she's like "well that your responsibility!" How the hell did I raise such an unfeminist daughter?

And yes, I have a job too. We are both working from home during this pandemic. They come to me for anything and everything (including things they can do themselves -- like get a snack). I tell them to ask their dad, and they're all "but he's working!" What do they think I'm doing?!

I feel like getting in the car and driving away from these ungrateful sods.

These two statements contradict each other.

Your kids are learning what you and your DH are modelling. There is no other answer here. Sorry.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Because I am mom. Whereas Dad gets huge kudos for anytime he "helps" out -- "isn't it so great Dad made lunch today?" (as opposed to every other day when mom makes it?) How did I get here? I have tried hard to set equal gender expectations -- that both men and women have equal responsibility around the house, and in the above example, my 10 yo DD is telling me I should be appreciative of Dad, and when I point out that I do the bulk of it, she's like "well that your responsibility!" How the hell did I raise such an unfeminist daughter?

And yes, I have a job too. We are both working from home during this pandemic. They come to me for anything and everything (including things they can do themselves -- like get a snack). I tell them to ask their dad, and they're all "but he's working!" What do they think I'm doing?!

I feel like getting in the car and driving away from these ungrateful sods.

So when they say but he’s working, then you should say so am I go ask him.

[Anonymous]

You need to have a talk with your husband. He needs to start saying things like "Thanks Gemma, for cooking dinner for the family after working all day at your job. Everything tasted great!" and you both need to NOT use the word "help" when talking to or about DH doing things for the home or family.

And then you need to have a family meeting where you lay it all out for your kids. "I work full time just like Daddy does. We are equal partners. It's no more my job to clean the kitchen than it is Daddy's job to clean the kitchen. Etc."

[Anonymous]

Plan it
... and get in the car and drive away

They can exist without you. And should. For periods of time.

[Anonymous]

Appreciation should be verbally expressed by both you and your spouse, in front of your kids. Showing appreciation is part of love, and your kids should see that between the two of you. Let the kids hear your husband thank you for taking out the trash, and you can compliment him on the fantastic dinner he made, etc. Do it in front of them, even if it's thanking each other for the small things.

[Anonymous]

Just FYI - they might not say it now, but they’ll internalize it.

I don’t think my Dad and I regularly verbally appreciated my Mom for cooking a delicious and nutritious dinner for us every night. But I sure do think back on it now after kids, and remember how she never said “to hell with it” and settled for takeout (except our regular pizza night Fridays). And I work hard to do the same for my kids, because home cooking is the best! DH cooks occasionally (like 2-4 times a month) and it’s a “special occasion” but I don’t mind. He does the dishes, which is way harder in my book!

[Anonymous]

I don't recommend this situation but I'm 33 weeks pregnant with our last and have had severe HG the entire pregnancy. Boy oh boy have they realized how good they usually have it (including my husband) with me taking care of everyone.

[Anonymous]

Hmm, not sure how well things have been distributed in your house over time... My kids were playing a card game the other day while my husband and I cleaned up after dinner (they did their part before playing the game but they're six so they are not going to do a good job cleaning the stove, etc.) and my husband sat down while I was still finishing something and they immediately jumped on him "Dad, don't you dare sit down while Mom is still working, that's not fair to her!" We've always discussed how everyone has a responsibility to do things around the house and both my husband and I can do everything the other can (except pee standing up...), but we've never overly hammered home the point but still, they obviously caught on. So perhaps either you have been doing more (which I refuse to do so the kids haven't seen me do it) or your husband's attitude is the problem. Kids are perceptive.