Repressed memories in teen?

[Anonymous]

I have reason to believe that my son was possibly molested by my friend’s son when he was little. This would have been when my son was around 4/5 and her son was 9/10. If anything did happen, I don’t think my son has a conscious memory of it. But I do think it has affected him in many ways and will continue to do so if not addressed. How would I even begin to get to the bottom of this? My son is now 14 and this is a difficult age. I don’t want to traumatize him with something I don’t know is true, but I do feel that we need to know if something happened. How do I even begin to address this?

Yes, my friend does know her son molested other children. She is the one who told me. She didn’t give any indication that my son would have been a victim but might have been trying to give me a heads up.

[Anonymous]

So sorry this is causing worry, OP. I don't have a magic answer, but maybe you could find a child therapist and talk to them about your concerns. They may be able to ease your mind, give you suggestions on what to watch out for, or know how to approach this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have reason to believe that my son was possibly molested by my friend’s son when he was little. This would have been when my son was around 4/5 and her son was 9/10. If anything did happen, I don’t think my son has a conscious memory of it. But I do think it has affected him in many ways and will continue to do so if not addressed. How would I even begin to get to the bottom of this? My son is now 14 and this is a difficult age. I don’t want to traumatize him with something I don’t know is true, but I do feel that we need to know if something happened. How do I even begin to address this?

Yes, my friend does know her son molested other children. She is the one who told me. She didn’t give any indication that my son would have been a victim but might have been trying to give me a heads up.

This is a tough one. Im so so sorry, OP.

What are the things you are seeing that makes you think it has affected him in "many ways", while still not being sure it happened? In other words, what have you seen that you have considered might have other causes?

Was your friends son ever held accountable for his actions? Does your son ever mention him? HAS he ever mentioned him? Would he recognize the name if you mentioned it? None of this is a suggestion. Im just asking.

I think if it was me, I might casually ask my teen if he/she remmebers this person and see what the reaction is. If they asked why Im asking, I would say "I was just remembering that person and that something about them seemed odd", or something like that. This is all if I think I could pull off a mention that doesnt turn into a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have reason to believe that my son was possibly molested by my friend’s son when he was little. This would have been when my son was around 4/5 and her son was 9/10. If anything did happen, I don’t think my son has a conscious memory of it. But I do think it has affected him in many ways and will continue to do so if not addressed. How would I even begin to get to the bottom of this? My son is now 14 and this is a difficult age. I don’t want to traumatize him with something I don’t know is true, but I do feel that we need to know if something happened. How do I even begin to address this?

Yes, my friend does know her son molested other children. She is the one who told me. She didn’t give any indication that my son would have been a victim but might have been trying to give me a heads up.

This is a tough one. Im so so sorry, OP.

What are the things you are seeing that makes you think it has affected him in "many ways", while still not being sure it happened? In other words, what have you seen that you have considered might have other causes?

Was your friends son ever held accountable for his actions? Does your son ever mention him? HAS he ever mentioned him? Would he recognize the name if you mentioned it? None of this is a suggestion. Im just asking.

I think if it was me, I might casually ask my teen if he/she remmebers this person and see what the reaction is. If they asked why Im asking, I would say "I was just remembering that person and that something about them seemed odd", or something like that. This is all if I think I could pull off a mention that doesnt turn into a conversation.

The child was accountable and his parents have been getting him the help he needs. We are still friends with the family although we don’t see them much anymore. The kids haven’t seen each other in a few years, but my son definitely remembers him. It might be a good idea to ask if he remembers that kid causing trouble or doing anything inappropriate back then.

One thing that has always made me wonder if something happened to DS is that he has blocked out those years of his life. He has pretty much NO memories at all before 2nd grade. And he barely remembers 2nd grade. My other kids have vicid memories of kindergarten and 1st, and have some memories of preschool. I teach upper elementary, and students reminisce about K all the time. It’s not normal to have no memory of that time. When DS got a little older, around 10, he would get a stomach ache whenever we were around that family. He would even throw up. This happened 3-4 times in a row. He also became sexually aware at a very early age and discovered self-arousal when he was around 8 years old. There’s more, but these are some examples. Also, he would have been a very easy target for the boy. DS played at their house all the time because he was friends with the sister. But it was very common for them to go to each other's house but play separately and in separate rooms so it would have been easy to isolate him. Also, there was another neighbor boy who was involved in some of this, and his mom sometimes babysat DS. One time, ds locked himself in a room at their house and would not come out. They ended up having to take the door apart to get him out. So...I realize none of this is definite, and probably sounds speculative. I have just always felt that something happened to my son at some point. So when I heard about this kid harming children, it all seemed to fit.

[Anonymous]

Whether it happened or it didn't, anything you do might cause a serious traumatic reaction. I would suggest that whatever you decide, you make sure you have a lot of supports in place. Right now, getting mental health care is really tough, but I'd have a plan in place. Reactions to trauma can be tough - acting out, self harm, etc. If I were you, I would try to find out more information from your friend - like how does she know her son molested some kids and has he mentioned molesting your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have reason to believe that my son was possibly molested by my friend’s son when he was little. This would have been when my son was around 4/5 and her son was 9/10. If anything did happen, I don’t think my son has a conscious memory of it. But I do think it has affected him in many ways and will continue to do so if not addressed. How would I even begin to get to the bottom of this? My son is now 14 and this is a difficult age. I don’t want to traumatize him with something I don’t know is true, but I do feel that we need to know if something happened. How do I even begin to address this?

Yes, my friend does know her son molested other children. She is the one who told me. She didn’t give any indication that my son would have been a victim but might have been trying to give me a heads up.

This is a tough one. Im so so sorry, OP.

What are the things you are seeing that makes you think it has affected him in "many ways", while still not being sure it happened? In other words, what have you seen that you have considered might have other causes?

Was your friends son ever held accountable for his actions? Does your son ever mention him? HAS he ever mentioned him? Would he recognize the name if you mentioned it? None of this is a suggestion. Im just asking.

I think if it was me, I might casually ask my teen if he/she remmebers this person and see what the reaction is. If they asked why Im asking, I would say "I was just remembering that person and that something about them seemed odd", or something like that. This is all if I think I could pull off a mention that doesnt turn into a conversation.

The child was accountable and his parents have been getting him the help he needs. We are still friends with the family although we don’t see them much anymore. The kids haven’t seen each other in a few years, but my son definitely remembers him. It might be a good idea to ask if he remembers that kid causing trouble or doing anything inappropriate back then.

One thing that has always made me wonder if something happened to DS is that he has blocked out those years of his life. He has pretty much NO memories at all before 2nd grade. And he barely remembers 2nd grade. My other kids have vicid memories of kindergarten and 1st, and have some memories of preschool. I teach upper elementary, and students reminisce about K all the time. It’s not normal to have no memory of that time. When DS got a little older, around 10, he would get a stomach ache whenever we were around that family. He would even throw up. This happened 3-4 times in a row. He also became sexually aware at a very early age and discovered self-arousal when he was around 8 years old. There’s more, but these are some examples. Also, he would have been a very easy target for the boy. DS played at their house all the time because he was friends with the sister. But it was very common for them to go to each other's house but play separately and in separate rooms so it would have been easy to isolate him. Also, there was another neighbor boy who was involved in some of this, and his mom sometimes babysat DS. One time, ds locked himself in a room at their house and would not come out. They ended up having to take the door apart to get him out. So...I realize none of this is definite, and probably sounds speculative. I have just always felt that something happened to my son at some point. So when I heard about this kid harming children, it all seemed to fit.

I see- and I do not feel this sounds speculative. You had me at the stomach aches and throwing up after being around the family. Im so so sorry you are having to sort this out.

Candidly, I could not see myself having any relationship with the family after these revelations. Whatever help they got for their kid, its a legit question as to why he had this issue in the first place, and its possible the family themselves is the source OR some contact of THEIRS is.

Self arousal at 8 doesnt sound particularly noteworthy by itself, I dont think. But in the context of everything else plus all the other info I undertstand your overall concern.

Rather than asking your son if this kid caused trouble for HIM I wonder if you could ask him if he heard any rumors or anything about him causing a problem for other friends...like you were saying.

I dont know if general statements are an option, since I dont know what your usual conversational patterns about issues are. Have you ever talked to him about sexual predators and the various forms they can take? For example, the safe internet conversation could lead into a "its often someone the victim knows" conversation and "its not always an adult" conversation.

At some point you could maybe ask him if he ever had anything bad happen to him, would he feel he could tell you? Or tell him "If anything bad ever happened to you, someone hurt or bothered you in any way, at any time. I hope you would feel like you can tell me/I hope you know you COULD tell me."

My daughter is 14 and I reently asked her if she had ever had anything bad happen to her that I dont know about. It was just something that crossed my mind because she has so much anxiety and issues, and we talk about EVERYthign but I had to just make sure. She assured me she always tells me anything "big and bad".

Have you considered calling this mom and just flat out asking her if he did anything to your son? Because if she knows, she needs to tell you. If she knows and is hiding it, or knows it and thought all you needed was a "heads up", thats not ok.

Its ok to be upset with this family, btw. I am all about compassion and supporting the notion that they are getting their son "help", but their family put OTHER families in harms way. Don't forget that. Id suggest not ever spending time with them again. Im not seeing the net benefit of maintaining a relationship.

[Anonymous]

I thought the whole repressed memories thing was debunked?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole repressed memories thing was debunked?

UGH. Dont be an idiot. The OP is talking about a possible and perhaps likely event with a person known to be a problem.

The "debunked" aspect of repressed memories was when memories were summoned forth in hypnosis that turned out to be suggested by the hypnotist.

It doesnt mean that bad shit cant get buried. Use your head!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought the whole repressed memories thing was debunked?

UGH. Dont be an idiot. The OP is talking about a possible and perhaps likely event with a person known to be a problem.

The "debunked" aspect of repressed memories was when memories were summoned forth in hypnosis that turned out to be suggested by the hypnotist.

It doesnt mean that bad shit cant get buried. Use your head!!

I have a friend who has a memory of sex abuse she cant recall specifically, but she remembers how old she was, what she was wearing, being locked in a closet and something about the person and what he looked like. She hasnt sought hypnosis for it. Its just come up over time as she has been in therapy for other issues. Memories of trauma can indeed get buried.

[Anonymous]

OP, go see a therapist who works with survivors of sex abuse. A therapist can help you design the conversation and approach with your son.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, go see a therapist who works with survivors of sex abuse. A therapist can help you design the conversation and approach with your son.

+1. This is a job for professionals. And I think I'd make appointments and get advice from two professionals, and pick one.

Also, I see why you say 'repressed' because of no memories of that time. However; another situation might be that he's just not telling you. That happened with my DD; we found out years later when LSS she mentioned it to a teacher, and teachers are a mandated reporter so it started a mandate-by-mandate ball rolling with the cops and CPS, which was pretty out-of-control and actually victimizing in a different way. DD went through "trauma therapy" and seems to be okay now.

[Anonymous]

Talk to a professional. I know someone in a similar position who (on advice of their ped) broke the news about the older child followed up with something along the lines of “if he ever made you uncomfortable (not sure exact language used) or you think of anything that makes you uncomfortable now you can always talk to us about it.”

Every situation is different though so best to get a professional’s input.

[Anonymous]

OP can you talk to your son and ask him if HE thinks he'd like to see a therapist or alternatively, tell you anything he needs?

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry to hear about this situation.
I used to be a pediatric social worker in a hospital that had a lot of abuse and neglect cases. You have described some pretty clear potential red flags. Agree with others that I would contact several professionals to discuss first the best way to proceed. A lot of what is traumatizing is having to repeat the story to multiple people, and the fear of not being believed. There are child abuse evaluation centers that will have one forensic interview, done by someone well trained and experienced in these situation. Do you have a good relationship with his pediatrician? That would be a good place to start, to get local resources for a center that works with potential victims of abuse.

Again, I am so sorry. You are doing the right thing to pay attention to this. So much damage is done when a child holds this inside for a lifetime. He is lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

OP— I was molested by a family member in early ES. And I would say memory is tricky. And repressed memories as I experienced them are hard to explain. I knew on some level I had been molested. Was seeing a therapist in my mid teens for crippling panic attacks. And things like nausea and vomiting and panic attacks when I was supposed to visit this relative and refusing to go we’re part of this. And after I really trusted her, I told her, without being asked, that I had been molested. I knew exactly when. But, my mind shut down when I tried to pull up memories of exactly what had happened. I had the outlines of something traumatic. But I’d disassociate rather than let my mind bring the abuse into focus.

It’s hard to explain. It took a lot of incremental and at my own pace work to process the abuse. And I did a lot of drawing and writing before I could talk about it.

You really need professional advice before you say a word to your kid. How you react if he does tell you and what you do next will make a huge difference. I’d start with figuring out if you want a male or female therapist. Normally you would want same gender for sex abuse. In this case, the possible abuser was male, but a boy might be less willing to talk to a female? IDK

As a mom, and therapy veteran, I would say IF there was abuse, it’s not something that’s going to be solved overnight. And you are going to need advice and support so that you can navigate this in the way that helps your kid the most. Someone whose job it is to support you and let you vent, so that you can support your kid. So, step one is probably you finding a therapist you really trust. And your therapist can hep you navigate finding help for your kid.