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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have reason to believe that my son was possibly molested by my friend’s son when he was little. This would have been when my son was around 4/5 and her son was 9/10. If anything did happen, I don’t think my son has a conscious memory of it. But I do think it has affected him in many ways and will continue to do so if not addressed. How would I even begin to get to the bottom of this? My son is now 14 and this is a difficult age. I don’t want to traumatize him with something I don’t know is true, but I do feel that we need to know if something happened. How do I even begin to address this?

Yes, my friend does know her son molested other children. She is the one who told me. She didn’t give any indication that my son would have been a victim but might have been trying to give me a heads up. [/quote]

This is a tough one. Im so so sorry, OP.

What are the things you are seeing that makes you think it has affected him in "many ways", while still not being sure it happened? In other words, what have you seen that you have considered might have other causes?

Was your friends son ever held accountable for his actions? Does your son ever mention him? HAS he ever mentioned him? Would he recognize the name if you mentioned it? None of this is a suggestion. Im just asking.

I think if it was me, I might casually ask my teen if he/she remmebers this person and see what the reaction is. If they asked why Im asking, I would say "I was just remembering that person and that something about them seemed odd", or something like that. [b]This is all if I think I could pull off a mention that doesnt turn into a conversation.
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The child was accountable and his parents have been getting him the help he needs. We are still friends with the family although we don’t see them much anymore. The kids haven’t seen each other in a few years, but my son definitely remembers him. It might be a good idea to ask if he remembers that kid causing trouble or doing anything inappropriate back then.

One thing that has always made me wonder if something happened to DS is that he has blocked out those years of his life. He has pretty much NO memories at all before 2nd grade. And he barely remembers 2nd grade. My other kids have vicid memories of kindergarten and 1st, and have some memories of preschool. I teach upper elementary, and students reminisce about K all the time. It’s not normal to have no memory of that time. When DS got a little older, around 10, he would get a stomach ache whenever we were around  that family. He would even throw up. This happened 3-4 times in a row. He also became sexually aware at a very early age and discovered self-arousal when he was around 8 years old. There’s more, but these are some examples. Also, he would have been a very easy target for the boy. DS played at their house all the time because he was friends with the sister. But it was very common for them to go to each other's house but play separately and in separate rooms so it would have been easy to isolate him. Also, there was another neighbor boy who was involved in some of this, and his mom sometimes babysat DS. One time, ds locked himself in a room at their house and would not come out. They ended up having to take the door apart to get him out. So...I realize none of this is definite, and probably sounds speculative. I have just always felt that something happened to my son at some point. So when I heard about this kid harming children, it all seemed to fit.

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I see- and I do not feel this sounds speculative. You had me at the stomach aches and throwing up after being around the family. Im so so sorry you are having to sort this out.

Candidly, I could not see myself having any relationship with the family after these revelations. Whatever help they got for their kid, its a legit question as to why he had this issue in the first place, and its possible the family themselves is the source OR some contact of THEIRS is.

Self arousal at 8 doesnt sound particularly noteworthy by itself, I dont think. But in the context of everything else plus all the other info I undertstand your overall concern.

Rather than asking your son if this kid caused trouble for HIM I wonder if you could ask him if he heard any rumors or anything about him causing a problem for other friends...like you were saying.

I dont know if general statements are an option, since I dont know what your usual conversational patterns about issues are. Have you ever talked to him about sexual predators and the various forms they can take? For example, the safe internet conversation could lead into a "its often someone the victim knows" conversation and "its not always an adult" conversation.

At some point you could maybe ask him if he ever had anything bad happen to him, would he feel he could tell you? Or tell him "If anything bad ever happened to you, someone hurt or bothered you in any way, at any time. I hope you would feel like you can tell me/I hope you know you COULD tell me."

My daughter is 14 and  I reently asked her if she had ever had anything bad happen to her that I dont know about. It was just something that crossed my mind because she has so much anxiety and issues, and we talk about EVERYthign but I had to just make sure. She assured me she always tells me anything "big and bad".

Have you considered calling this mom and just flat out asking her if he did anything to your son? Because if she knows, she needs to tell you. If she knows and is hiding it, or knows it and thought all you needed was a "heads up", thats not ok.

Its ok to be upset with this family, btw. I am all about compassion and supporting the notion that they are getting their son "help", but their family put OTHER families in harms way. Don't forget that. Id suggest not ever spending time with them again. Im not seeing the net benefit of maintaining a relationship.

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