Repressed memories in teen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have reason to believe that my son was possibly molested by my friend’s son when he was little. This would have been when my son was around 4/5 and her son was 9/10. If anything did happen, I don’t think my son has a conscious memory of it. But I do think it has affected him in many ways and will continue to do so if not addressed. How would I even begin to get to the bottom of this? My son is now 14 and this is a difficult age. I don’t want to traumatize him with something I don’t know is true, but I do feel that we need to know if something happened. How do I even begin to address this?

Yes, my friend does know her son molested other children. She is the one who told me. She didn’t give any indication that my son would have been a victim but might have been trying to give me a heads up.

Leave it alone. Why you or she didn't supervise the kids is beyond me but don't stir up trouble. You need to choose your friends better if she knew it happened multiple times. Reality is her child was molested too.

[Anonymous]

Telling your teenager he was molested based on your unprofessional hunch is literally the worst idea I’ve ever encountered on DCUM. Repressed memories are an extremely controversial field of psychology, because they are unreliable and often the result of coaxing (by a therapist, mother or imagination). Blaming a real or imagined trauma for your teenager’s issues may feel helpful, but you are far better off treating him today for his real, current issues. You need to deal with the real human being in front of you, not a possible version from ten years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Telling your teenager he was molested based on your unprofessional hunch is literally the worst idea I’ve ever encountered on DCUM. Repressed memories are an extremely controversial field of psychology, because they are unreliable and often the result of coaxing (by a therapist, mother or imagination). Blaming a real or imagined trauma for your teenager’s issues may feel helpful, but you are far better off treating him today for his real, current issues. You need to deal with the real human being in front of you, not a possible version from ten years ago.

OP never suggested telling her teenager he was molested. And are you a parent? Because your notion of an "unprofessional hunch" makes it sounds like you dont know anything about being a parent. We rely on unprofessional hunches all the time to keep our kids safe, to take note of something not being right, etc.

STOP hyperfocusing on OP's use of the word "repressed memories" because its obvious all she means is "something could have happened and he may have buried it".

As others who have been victims, one here pointed out memory is a tricky thing.

I would follow the advice of the pediatric social worker. Sounds solid. BUt that doesnt mean it isnt ok to ask the teen if he ever thought so and so was "off" or weird.

In any case, having absolute ZERO interaction with that family, OP, is a must. Normalizing interaction with them is a terrible idea.

[Anonymous]

Op I commend you for being aware to realize the flags that you identified (and I think sound legitimate cause for concern) and would highly highly recommend you meet with a therapist in your area who specializes in sexual abuse. Specifically specializes in that type of trauma, is very important. These issues are so tough and I really think the first place to start is consultation with a professional who can help you develop a plan. You are right not to just ignore but but also right that you can’t just do something without a lot of forethought here. I would contact safe shores if you are in the dc area and ask for help in how you can meet with someone to figure out how to navigate this https://www.safeshores.org/get-support/

If you aren’t in the dc area, safe shores still might be able to help lead you to the child advocacy center in your area. Child advocacy centers are specifically trained in child sexual abuse and forensic interviews so have deep knowledge of these things (not saying you would do a forensic interview in this case! Just that they know what they are doing). At least you could get a some recommendations on experienced therapists (the advocacy center itself may not be set up as the exact right thing in your situation, but it will have resources)

[Anonymous]

In addition to the good advice to find a therapist for YOU to talk through this with and cutting ties with your friend and her family, I would suggest:

Tell your kid what you heard. Tell him you are telling him because you aren’t going to see that family anymore and wanted him to know why. Tell him that you are thinking of the kids he hurt and that they are not bad kids. Leave it.

Make sure your kid has support for life, in general. Access to a therapist is great. Not about this but just “oh man being a teen is hard, do you want anyone else to talk with?”

Make sure he knows he is a good kid and you love him. Unconditionally.

Good luck.