Friends marriage at breaking point due to infertility

[Anonymous]

My 40 year old friend has been trying for a baby for 3 years and her marriage is struggling. I feel so sad for her. Why do some women continue to have healthy pregnancies into early 40s and others struggle even after tried everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 40 year old friend has been trying for a baby for 3 years and her marriage is struggling. I feel so sad for her. Why do some women continue to have healthy pregnancies into early 40s and others struggle even after tried everything?

37 is too old to start trying and hope for success. Most people know that beyond 35ish is a crashing unless you have a solid history of know fertility before that. I've been shocked by the sheer number of young 30s friends that are not able to conceive.

[Anonymous]

I am very worried about this. Sperm counts are crashing around the world and I'm wondering if the equivalent isn't happening in women and with egg quality. I've been hanging out on an IVF forum and there is a stable of ladies there with multiple failed IVF cycles and not infrequently some of those cycles include donor cycles using presumably very healthy eggs. About half of the sad cases started TTC in their late 20s. In other cases good looking blasts are made and transferred with only BFNs and early losses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very worried about this. Sperm counts are crashing around the world and I'm wondering if the equivalent isn't happening in women and with egg quality. I've been hanging out on an IVF forum and there is a stable of ladies there with multiple failed IVF cycles and not infrequently some of those cycles include donor cycles using presumably very healthy eggs. About half of the sad cases started TTC in their late 20s. In other cases good looking blasts are made and transferred with only BFNs and early losses.

A stable of ladies?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 40 year old friend has been trying for a baby for 3 years and her marriage is struggling. I feel so sad for her. Why do some women continue to have healthy pregnancies into early 40s and others struggle even after tried everything?

37 is too old to start trying and hope for success. Most people know that beyond 35ish is a crashing unless you have a solid history of know fertility before that. I've been shocked by the sheer number of young 30s friends that are not able to conceive.

I had a baby at 37 and a baby at 40 (conceived at 39). No problems and I don’t think I’m an outlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 40 year old friend has been trying for a baby for 3 years and her marriage is struggling. I feel so sad for her. Why do some women continue to have healthy pregnancies into early 40s and others struggle even after tried everything?

37 is too old to start trying and hope for success. Most people know that beyond 35ish is a crashing unless you have a solid history of know fertility before that. I've been shocked by the sheer number of young 30s friends that are not able to conceive.

I had a baby at 37 and a baby at 40 (conceived at 39). No problems and I don’t think I’m an outlier.

You're not. Nearly my entire friend group married and had kids in their late 30s and early 40s (DC area of course). I have two friends who had to have IVF and both started trying in their late 20s. It's likely OP's friend would have ran into problems even if she started trying 5 years prior.

I had mine at 36 and 38, and considering a third at 40. My second was conceived the month after we stopped preventing.

That said, at 40, I wouldn't be ready to give up. An acquaintance of mine just had twins at 44.

[Anonymous]

OP, are you looking for advice to help your friend? Or just hoping that ppl on an infertility forum will commiserate with your judgement?

It took me about 4 years, many losses, and many failed cycles to have a successful pregnancy. It's hard, and there's a lot of reasons why couples like me and DH make the choices we do.

The friends who didn't judge but did offer some love and support were ones I cherished.

[Anonymous]

Just offer love and support. We experienced infertility and had 4 failed IVFs. It is a really really hard time in a marriage. The hormones involved in ART just make all the emotions so much worse. DO NOT bring up adoption, donor egg, or other options unless your friend brings it up first. People mean well, but trust me, they already know those options exist.

[Anonymous]

The fertility cliff has been discussed enough lately, IMO. For OP, it's hard and unfair that your friend drew the short straw. We did too, and it's really one of those things that puts your mental health and relationships to the test. Especially when it's been years with no success, like your friend. You can't fix the heartache and strain they're feeling, but you can be a good friend and emotional support. Urge them to take their mental health seriously and consider counseling. If they lost a family member or had some other traumatic event, it wouldn't be unreasonable, right? There's no fixing it, but the right supports can help you manage hard times like these.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very worried about this. Sperm counts are crashing around the world and I'm wondering if the equivalent isn't happening in women and with egg quality. I've been hanging out on an IVF forum and there is a stable of ladies there with multiple failed IVF cycles and not infrequently some of those cycles include donor cycles using presumably very healthy eggs. About half of the sad cases started TTC in their late 20s. In other cases good looking blasts are made and transferred with only BFNs and early losses.

You only hear the worst cases there. A lot of women do manage to have kids naturally into their mid-late thirties and early forties. They are not posting on those boards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The fertility cliff has been discussed enough lately, IMO. For OP, it's hard and unfair that your friend drew the short straw. We did too, and it's really one of those things that puts your mental health and relationships to the test. Especially when it's been years with no success, like your friend. You can't fix the heartache and strain they're feeling, but you can be a good friend and emotional support. Urge them to take their mental health seriously and consider counseling. If they lost a family member or had some other traumatic event, it wouldn't be unreasonable, right? There's no fixing it, but the right supports can help you manage hard times like these.

It really depends on your friend. As someone dealing with infertility for over 10 years, I hate when friends offer emotional support or see me leaving in the early morning and ask me how my cycle is going. Recognize that your friend is a person with unique feelings and even if she confided in you, it doesn't mean she wants to discuss it or have helpful suggestions (for therapy, donor eggs, adoption, etc) given to her. She's thought of all these options. Be sensitive and follow her lead in whether to offer suggestions and support. Recognize that needs can change and even if you have discussed it in the past, doesn't mean she wants to discuss it now. What's good for one person/couple doesn't always mean it works for everyone. Follow her lead.

[Anonymous]

I'd say 1/4-1/3 of my close friends suffered from infertility (I did too but never discussed). I really think we're doing women a disservice by not discussing it more openly. I'm 35 and my current pregnancy took 2.5 years to conceive. My single 35 year old friends feel like they still have 5 more good years. Who knows, they could? Or they could struggle like I did at 27 with otherwise perfect health.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am mentally sending your friend love + luck across the internet. It is very hard and very unfair. Ignore the awful trolls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am mentally sending your friend love + luck across the internet. It is very hard and very unfair. Ignore the awful trolls.

I am not a troll, but this has to stop. The sense of entitlement is too much for normal people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I am mentally sending your friend love + luck across the internet. It is very hard and very unfair. Ignore the awful trolls.

It is very hard, but it is not unfair at all.