cross post: spouses to over-worked feds?

[Anonymous]

hi - my spouse has been on the front lines of covid related federal work, and under immense stress and working insane hours (70+ hrs since march). it's becoming highly damaging to our relationship ...

recently, my therapist (who previously worked out of an office on K st) mentioned seeing this same marital challenge as a fairly common occurrence under the Obama administration and the financial collapse fallout ... and it got me wondering if there were any wise souls out there with words of wisdom who have been there, done that.

While I commend my spouse for going above and beyond for the American taxpayers, and respect his dedication to the cause ... i struggle because i feel he is neglecting his family who is right here in front of him, let alone his own physical health and mental well being. He is causing permanent damage to our relationship with how he speaks to me, and I don't think he truly grasps that he is risking losing me and our family, because he can't establish boundaries with work.

I have been telling him this is untenable and something needs to change for about 5 months now. He has recently been trying more, but is still barely sleeping, barely eating, barely seeing his family, and it always angry, depressed, depleted at all times. I resent that he is prioritizing other families above our own, we need him.

any ways, help? Any one deal with this under the 08-09 financial collapse work?

(I posted this in jobs and careers as well... but figure it might get more traffic here)

[Anonymous]

Is he getting compensated for he overtime worked?

[Anonymous]

I'm so sorry, Mrs. Fauci. I hope you get your husband back soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he getting compensated for he overtime worked?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, Mrs. Fauci. I hope you get your husband back soon enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm so sorry, Mrs. Fauci. I hope you get your husband back soon enough.

She's Dr. Grady, actually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he getting compensated for he overtime worked?

No.

I should clarify, they are forcing him to work against his will due to the unprecedent nature of the event (national emergency). No overtime. And a very toxic work environment.

[Anonymous]

I don't have any advice OP, hang in there. My dh works for one of those agencies and they are now losing feds to private industry, because people are so burnt out and can make more money elsewhere. There is no additional compensation for feds.

He really needs to sleep, eat and carve out an hour to just relax with his family per day. Otherwise he will give himself a heart attack or breakdown and won't be of use to anyone if he dies or until he recovers.

Hope someone with great recession experience chimes in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't have any advice OP, hang in there. My dh works for one of those agencies and they are now losing feds to private industry, because people are so burnt out and can make more money elsewhere. There is no additional compensation for feds.

He really needs to sleep, eat and carve out an hour to just relax with his family per day. Otherwise he will give himself a heart attack or breakdown and won't be of use to anyone if he dies or until he recovers.

Hope someone with great recession experience chimes in.

Thank you for these kind words, this is one of my fears. I am watching him physically degrade over this past year.

While yes, I am unhappy in our relationship and dynamic, first and foremost, I see he needs help ... but I don't know how to make him see it.

[Anonymous]

OP I'm sympathetic to you but also a little bit confused about your position.

1) It is really hard to force a fed to work overtime and not pay them. There are like, laws about this. Specific laws about the federal government receiving work that they don't pay for. I know individual people who can't stop themselves compulsively working. I'm somewhat skeptical of that part of your story

2) Your husband is in some way dealing with the crisis. The crisis ends in the next 3-6 months. It is a little off that your husband has had the most difficult time of his career (it sounds like?) for the last 9ish months and there is light at the end of the tunnel but you're considering divorcing over this temporary thing?

3) If he's yelling at you or treating you poorly that is a thing that should be addressed independently of all of this

4) Your own description says he is depleted and giving all of himself and you are angry he is not giving more to you. He sounds depressed and at the end of his rope. I would think a compassionate spouse would see this as an opportunity to help hold their spouse up, not pull harder at their frayed rope.

[Anonymous]

Double posting is not allowed OP. Jeff will probably lock one.

[Anonymous]

I think I smell troll!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sympathetic to you but also a little bit confused about your position.

1) It is really hard to force a fed to work overtime and not pay them. There are like, laws about this. Specific laws about the federal government receiving work that they don't pay for. I know individual people who can't stop themselves compulsively working. I'm somewhat skeptical of that part of your story

2) Your husband is in some way dealing with the crisis. The crisis ends in the next 3-6 months. It is a little off that your husband has had the most difficult time of his career (it sounds like?) for the last 9ish months and there is light at the end of the tunnel but you're considering divorcing over this temporary thing?

3) If he's yelling at you or treating you poorly that is a thing that should be addressed independently of all of this

4) Your own description says he is depleted and giving all of himself and you are angry he is not giving more to you. He sounds depressed and at the end of his rope. I would think a compassionate spouse would see this as an opportunity to help hold their spouse up, not pull harder at their frayed rope.

(1) its not uncommon for feds to be forced to work overtime without pay, hence my reference to the financial collapse since I know a lot of colleagues had to deal with this same problem of extremely long hours and sleeping in the office etc at that time
(2 & 3) this problem has been brewing for about 2 years (problem being, our communication challenges and his workaholic nature and starting a family together and changing all our dynamics and identities), it was just this crisis pushed me to an edge because I am also struggling and depressed, and could use some support or compassion from my spouse and instead I am realizing we have some major foundational flaws.
(4) he is depressed, and i admittedly am struggling with being compassionate right now - which is why i am asking for advice

as for the PP about double posting! I am sorry i was unaware! Please lock or delete whichever, the thread at the jobs section actually provided me a lot of helpful feedback!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sympathetic to you but also a little bit confused about your position.

1) It is really hard to force a fed to work overtime and not pay them. There are like, laws about this. Specific laws about the federal government receiving work that they don't pay for. I know individual people who can't stop themselves compulsively working. I'm somewhat skeptical of that part of your story

2) Your husband is in some way dealing with the crisis. The crisis ends in the next 3-6 months. It is a little off that your husband has had the most difficult time of his career (it sounds like?) for the last 9ish months and there is light at the end of the tunnel but you're considering divorcing over this temporary thing?

3) If he's yelling at you or treating you poorly that is a thing that should be addressed independently of all of this

4) Your own description says he is depleted and giving all of himself and you are angry he is not giving more to you. He sounds depressed and at the end of his rope. I would think a compassionate spouse would see this as an opportunity to help hold their spouse up, not pull harder at their frayed rope.

(1) its not uncommon for feds to be forced to work overtime without pay, hence my reference to the financial collapse since I know a lot of colleagues had to deal with this same problem of extremely long hours and sleeping in the office etc at that time
(2 & 3) this problem has been brewing for about 2 years (problem being, our communication challenges and his workaholic nature and starting a family together and changing all our dynamics and identities), it was just this crisis pushed me to an edge because I am also struggling and depressed, and could use some support or compassion from my spouse and instead I am realizing we have some major foundational flaws.
(4) he is depressed, and i admittedly am struggling with being compassionate right now - which is why i am asking for advice

as for the PP about double posting! I am sorry i was unaware! Please lock or delete whichever, the thread at the jobs section actually provided me a lot of helpful feedback!

Right now he can’t get what he needs from his job and you can’t get what you need from him. Both of you have to decide how to invest to get you the breathing space you need — nanny? Housekeeper? Time with friends? Family? Focus on the bare minimum that needs to happen to keep you alive and let the rest go. The crisis will ease in about 3 months and be largely over in 6.

[Anonymous]

Engineers are experience the worst burnouts ever. You think 70+ is terrible try 90+ little to no sleep because everyone is now working off tele-networks. If you know an engineer give them a Thank you because they are the reason this country is profitable right now.