cross post: spouses to over-worked feds?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sympathetic to you but also a little bit confused about your position.

1) It is really hard to force a fed to work overtime and not pay them. There are like, laws about this. Specific laws about the federal government receiving work that they don't pay for. I know individual people who can't stop themselves compulsively working. I'm somewhat skeptical of that part of your story

2) Your husband is in some way dealing with the crisis. The crisis ends in the next 3-6 months. It is a little off that your husband has had the most difficult time of his career (it sounds like?) for the last 9ish months and there is light at the end of the tunnel but you're considering divorcing over this temporary thing?

3) If he's yelling at you or treating you poorly that is a thing that should be addressed independently of all of this

4) Your own description says he is depleted and giving all of himself and you are angry he is not giving more to you. He sounds depressed and at the end of his rope. I would think a compassionate spouse would see this as an opportunity to help hold their spouse up, not pull harder at their frayed rope.

(1) its not uncommon for feds to be forced to work overtime without pay, hence my reference to the financial collapse since I know a lot of colleagues had to deal with this same problem of extremely long hours and sleeping in the office etc at that time
(2 & 3) this problem has been brewing for about 2 years (problem being, our communication challenges and his workaholic nature and starting a family together and changing all our dynamics and identities), it was just this crisis pushed me to an edge because I am also struggling and depressed, and could use some support or compassion from my spouse and instead I am realizing we have some major foundational flaws.
(4) he is depressed, and i admittedly am struggling with being compassionate right now - which is why i am asking for advice

as for the PP about double posting! I am sorry i was unaware! Please lock or delete whichever, the thread at the jobs section actually provided me a lot of helpful feedback!

What kind of job does he have? You are simply wrong about 1.

- I'm a fed

[Anonymous]

OP, I feel your pain. I’m 50 with high schoolers and in a similar situation of fed husband who takes out work angst on everyone in our family and blames me for not being supportive. I’m also anxious and depressed and not sure what is me vs him. Years of therapy haven’t resolved and I see the effect on kids. Husband and I both suffer from anxiety and depression and don’t handle it well. He was great when on meds but didn’t see it and got off when worried about a side effect that wasn’t really there. People also think I talk rudely to him but it’s also very hard to be subject to the husband’s behavior day in and day out and it takes a toll. I also have a similar career which I struggle to balance and try to let have a backburner to his but then I resent where I’m at. I don’t have solutions but want you to know it’s not only you. I wish we could chat about how to work this and set boundaries. One thing that did help was my husband moving to similar level position in another agency where he’s no longer a strategic leader.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I'm sympathetic to you but also a little bit confused about your position.

1) It is really hard to force a fed to work overtime and not pay them. There are like, laws about this. Specific laws about the federal government receiving work that they don't pay for. I know individual people who can't stop themselves compulsively working. I'm somewhat skeptical of that part of your story

2) Your husband is in some way dealing with the crisis. The crisis ends in the next 3-6 months. It is a little off that your husband has had the most difficult time of his career (it sounds like?) for the last 9ish months and there is light at the end of the tunnel but you're considering divorcing over this temporary thing?

3) If he's yelling at you or treating you poorly that is a thing that should be addressed independently of all of this

4) Your own description says he is depleted and giving all of himself and you are angry he is not giving more to you. He sounds depressed and at the end of his rope. I would think a compassionate spouse would see this as an opportunity to help hold their spouse up, not pull harder at their frayed rope.

(1) its not uncommon for feds to be forced to work overtime without pay, hence my reference to the financial collapse since I know a lot of colleagues had to deal with this same problem of extremely long hours and sleeping in the office etc at that time
(2 & 3) this problem has been brewing for about 2 years (problem being, our communication challenges and his workaholic nature and starting a family together and changing all our dynamics and identities), it was just this crisis pushed me to an edge because I am also struggling and depressed, and could use some support or compassion from my spouse and instead I am realizing we have some major foundational flaws.
(4) he is depressed, and i admittedly am struggling with being compassionate right now - which is why i am asking for advice

as for the PP about double posting! I am sorry i was unaware! Please lock or delete whichever, the thread at the jobs section actually provided me a lot of helpful feedback!

What kind of job does he have? You are simply wrong about 1.

- I'm a fed

NP and also a fed and there are definitely jobs that do #1. They set unreasonable production quotas that could never be accomplished in 40 hours per week and if you don't meet your quotas they counsel you out (read the large thread on the Board of Veterans Appeals as one example). Now, whether OP's husband is in one of these jobs or whether it just ramped up due to COVID and whether they would actually take action against him are up for discussion.

[Anonymous]

I'm a fed and have been underworked and rather slow since March. But I keep my head up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he getting compensated for he overtime worked?

No.

I should clarify, they are forcing him to work against his will due to the unprecedent nature of the event (national emergency). No overtime. And a very toxic work environment.

First, I'd suggest he start looking elsewhere. I don't believe in uncompensated overtime.

However.

I have been there with this. Many, many times. Not so much the grinding hours (although that's happened too) but work taking preference over family almost all the time. It's happening as I sit here right now and he's off on an assignment he could have easily postponed after Christmas and now he wants us to fly out to him.

My advice to you is to start a separate existence. Stop telling him it's untenable. Stop worrying about him. Let him do his thing and you do yours with the kids. If he makes it, great. If he doesn't, then too bad. I got tired of the fights, the nagging, the reminding, his insistence that he had to do this, that, or the other thing or the WORLD WOULD END.

I have a lovely relationship with my teen and tween and they aren't in the least upset that he won't be here for Christmas and in fact have figured the whole thing out. The teen remarked how selfish he is.

[Anonymous]

^^We are both Feds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I feel your pain. I’m 50 with high schoolers and in a similar situation of fed husband who takes out work angst on everyone in our family and blames me for not being supportive. I’m also anxious and depressed and not sure what is me vs him. Years of therapy haven’t resolved and I see the effect on kids. Husband and I both suffer from anxiety and depression and don’t handle it well. He was great when on meds but didn’t see it and got off when worried about a side effect that wasn’t really there. People also think I talk rudely to him but it’s also very hard to be subject to the husband’s behavior day in and day out and it takes a toll. I also have a similar career which I struggle to balance and try to let have a backburner to his but then I resent where I’m at. I don’t have solutions but want you to know it’s not only you. I wish we could chat about how to work this and set boundaries. One thing that did help was my husband moving to similar level position in another agency where he’s no longer a strategic leader.

PP just above. I could have written every single word of this except the therapy. Exact same experience. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

I’m sympathetic to the op, if the husband is treating her poorly, he is probably also refusing any love and care she may offer him. Nothing is worse then being sweet and loving to someone who provides you no feedback, or worse yet, negative feedback. It’s heartbreaking to have someone say “well, why don’t you just get in bed with him” and you think “I would but he stays up in the basement” or “make his favorite food” and you think “I did, he said he got a sandwich at the office”. It can make you feel that you are a terrible wife since you are doing the things most men respond to, except your husband isn’t.


It’s very much like women who get frustrated with babies who cry and cry and cry when nothing you do seems to make them feel better or at peace, except husbands are worse, you can’t make them eat or sleep whereas babies at least try to do those two things.


Couple this with the op who probably doesn’t have the things she used to have that make her happy, mom friends, book club, yoga class, outlets that gave her companionship.

I can remember my team leads at work saying “I’ve had my people tell me “I’d better be home for dinner tonight or my wife is divorcing me… and they mean it”.

Know that you can leave if you’ve had enough. The poster telling you to stay isn’t living your life, nor does she have the memories and experiences you’ve had, or haven’t had. She may be right, and maybe you do want to wait a bit longer, though you aren’t wrong for deciding you simply can’t or don’t want to. You matter too, and it sounds like you’ve put up with more then you may be saying here. We all have different thresholds for pain, poor treatment, humiliation, appropriate language. it’s why one person will put up with something for years and another will not.


If your husband isn’t willing to act like a husband, then he doesn’t get to be a husband.

You need to sit him down and tell him what you need and when. You then need to tell him what you will do and when. I once told my husband when our first kid was a baby “Two things are happening, we are moving and you are working days”. I told him he was free to join our daughter and me, but I was no longer going to live in the place we were living, nor was I willing to deal with swing shift and all that entails, lack of sleep, lack of companionship, lack of shared moments as a couple and as parents, I’d just had enough. You need to be that blunt and that direct. Men are simple, they need a direct set of “if then” statements.


I’m willing to put up with a lot if I get a happy husband at the end of the day. If I don’t, there’s no reason for me to put up with anything.

Likewise, we live where I want, and he gets a happy wife. I suspect if I wasn’t happy, he’d not want to live where we do. People very much respond to the moods of the people they are married to, especially now with covid.


You also need to be sure that he is truly working. As a poster said, it’s unlikely that as a fed, he’s being forced to work against his will and that he isn’t being compensated. He owns his two legs, and he is free to walk out the door any time. Why he isn’t is concerning to me. I’d be wondering if his concern for “other families” might mean he’s got a secret family someplace. The level of dedication is just a bit odd, and I say this as someone married to a man who is dedicated to his work.

My husband is also dedicated to his work. I’ve told him that at some point, the workday has to end… for him. I’ve also told him that some bosses have a strategy, and that is “call (insert husband’s name). I once proved that to him after I begged him to take a new job. He did, and one morning, we were in bed at my parents house, when my parents phone rang. It was his old boss, for the company my husband had just left asking him and expecting him to “log in for just a minute”. That boss had called every number he had for my husband until he tracked him down to my parents house, not our house, not his cell phone, not his parents, *my parents.


Why the boss couldn’t have used that same skill set to hire additional people if there was that much work was and is beyond me.
Good luck, op. Know that you are the one thing in life you can control, and sadly that sometimes means ending a marriage.

[Anonymous]

It’s so hard being a stay at home mom isn’t it? Whatever op. Some of us are two income families working like dogs and managing children. Get over yourself, and stop centering your life around your husband. Pathetic and sad.