May be at the end of secondary infertility journey with no second child. Advice?

[Anonymous]

I am 40 with one child (age 3). We were on the fence about having another but decided to go for it a little over a year ago. Secondary infertility (no issues with the first child). We were not surprised given our ages (DH is 43) but were determined. We did fertility meds, waited it out, still nothing. We started the process for IVF. First round no viables. Scheduled second round. Covid. So we postponed. Rescheduled, second round, still no viables. We took the second disappointment pretty hard. Decided to take a break and stop thinking about it for a while.

Now we are talking about it and thinking about stopping. We haven't exhausted options. But with all the tumult of this year, we are questioning whether to continue. I feel truly torn.

I love our DD. I have loved getting to spend so much extra time all three of us together this year. I also feel really overwhelmed a lot of the time because, while TTC, we have skipped daycare to limit exposure, so have been WFH and taking care of DD with some help from my mom. Some days I think "There is no way I could do this with two, what are we thinking?" And others I think "I love her so much, I really want to bring another person into this family." I also have major hormone-linked baby fever, and some days it's all I can do not to stare at photos of DD when she was a baby, or shop for maternity/baby clothes, or think about names. I mostly keep myself from it, but sometimes I spiral and feel desperate and overwhelmed.

I am not sure I'm up for more disappointment. Because of my age, even if we go the donor route, there are no guarantees. Money is finite and our insurance only covers some of the process.

I think we could be very happy as a three-person family. But I worry about my DD's isolation as an only -- we do not have a ton of extended family (and that we do have, we don't have the most amazing relationships with). And I also worry I'll always wonder if I should have stuck it out a little longer. Or if I allowed the challenge of Covid to make this seem harder than it actually is. I feel so drained and am worried I am just giving up, rather than making a choice.

Has anyone been through this? Do you have any advice? How did you know it was time to focus on the child/ren you have and stop trying for another?

[Anonymous]

accept that you won’t have more and keep trying naturally.

[Anonymous]

When you say no viables, do you mean no blasts? If so, get dh checked out ASAP.

[Anonymous]

I could have written your post. We even did 3 donor cycles with no success. We knew it was time to stop because we were both miserable and couldn’t focus on anything else. I didn’t realize how bad it was until we stopped though. It was like a weight was lifted. For right now, I’m putting the thoughts out of my head about him not having a lot of close family. It does make me upset, but overall I don’t feel miserable anymore.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you have a beautiful, happy, healthy family, and though you would have liked to have a sibling for DD, it sounds like you are coming to accept you may be a delightful trio. I am so happy for you that you can see the beauty in having such a close knit family. You can always have your best friends' children serve as siblings of choice rather than blood. I know a lot of only children who are very content with just being surrounded by friends and who are so close with their parents.

[Anonymous]

A family of 3 can be lovely and happy without extended family. Make your own adventures. Find some friends and playdates (post covid) for your DD, see if you click with any parents too.

[Anonymous]

Has your husband had a sperm analysis done? Have you taken supplements such as ubiquinol?

[Anonymous]

Idk if it helps you to think about this, but my dad was 45 when I was born. It’s very hard to be going into my 30s alrwady in the sandwich generation.

[Anonymous]

I almost think things were easier back in the day. My mom had me at 36 and would have loved another but it never happened and that was that. We traveled as a family a ton and took trips they probably couldn’t have afforded with another kid — Europe, skiing, Africa, Caribbean. I had a great childhood and we are close now that I’m an adult. It sounds like you’ve spent the last year consumed by something that may not be meant to be. Don’t waste more time. It’s totally ok to be sad and acknowledge you are disappointed but then move forward. You can live this life you have while still acknowledging your feelings but not letting it run you life. Good luck. And honestly fate is funny. You may end up pregnant naturally in a year or two.

[Anonymous]

Go to donor eggs. I have was in your situation. Frozen eggs are a pretty quick process. No regrets. So glad I gave my kid a sibling.

[Anonymous]

I can very much relate to your story. I spent most of my mid-late 30's trying to have a second child (DC-our only- was a honeymoon baby. Sigh). I had no trouble conceiving, but had multiple losses. After rounds of IVF and different protocols, we reached the end of our mental and emotional rope. Financials were definitely a concern as well.

It helped that my DH was ready to move on before me. He was at peace with our little family of three. It took me awhile to get there, but now I love our family of 3. We go out of her way to provide her with socialization, but also love our 3 Musketeers lifestyle. We both have fulfilling careers and can balance family time easier with just 1.

I wish you the best. And read "One and Only" by Lauren Sandler. It helped me a lot.

[Anonymous]

How many eggs did you get each cycle?

[Anonymous]

This is me as well. I’m 41 and have a 4 year old and have been trying for #2 for 3 years. Failed FETs, trying naturally and now a cancelled cycle in covid w poor response. I’m so sad and think we are close to done. Hugs

[Anonymous]

If you truly want another child, consider adoption. We did. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Me too, OP. It’s been 3 years, 3 IVF cycles, and 3 losses. If DC was younger, we’d probably try donor eggs or embryos. But DC is 5 and we’re in “two only children” territory, plus are starting to get our freedom back. It’s so hard and I’m so disappointed. I don’t know what the right decision is and I worry that whatever decision I make will be wrong (uterine issues, so donor still has a real possibility of failure).

Just know that it always feels like giving up, whether you’ve been at it for one year or five. If it’s time to stop, then stop. Hugs to you.