May be at the end of secondary infertility journey with no second child. Advice?
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Anonymous
| Why don’t you look into natural cycle IVF? |
Anonymous
This. MOVE ON! |
Anonymous
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OP, my situation is different than your since I had primary and secondary IF. I'm also not sure if you are looking for treatment advice or emotional support.
What I can share is that when I reached your situation trying for #1 (albeit younger so stats are a little different), I sought a second opinion. That allowed for a complete review of my medical records by fresh eyes. For me, this resulted in surgery for Asherman's and then a fresh cycle with a very different protocol (and ultimately a healthy, viable pregnancy). I think that no matter what, when you've had 2 non-viable cycles, a second opinion is worth it. It'll give you peace of mind, if nothing else, that nothing obvious was missed. With respect to the bigger question, I can't entirely say. Having one child felt like a miracle for us. I experienced a loss with my first FET attempt for #2 (an embryo from the same cycle as DC1), and I seriously considered whether I was just tempting fate trying to have a second. But, ultimately, we were successful for #2...and for us, in retrospect, I think it was worth it. But, I also think we were lucky. I had good insurance and very understanding employers. Statistically, DH and I should be divorced multiple times over for what our IF journey threw in our way. We were also younger, and at different career and life stages. My point is that IF treatment takes a considerable toll on your health, your life, and your marriage. I will never forget my older DC finding me sobbing and looking scared when I had just started to miscarry. With DC1, before we found success, I had finally reached a place where I was able to tell myself that I would be okay no matter what. DH, my siblings, my nieces and nephews, everyone in my life was my family. And families take many shapes and forms. GL. There is no right answer. If you're looking for what I would do next if I were you, I'd get a second opinion from a different RE. But I'd also really be trying to find a way to be okay with the way my family looks today. |
Anonymous
This is the opposite of moving on. If you’re ok with 1 you stop trying. If u can move on, great, but I don’t call trying each month for a long shot (for me it would have been a miracle) and being perpetually disappointed moving on. I’m sure there’s a transition period where you stop ART and then stop trying naturally. It would have taken me years and been absolute torture. I wasn’t up for that, so after 7 rounds, DE was a great choice. In hindsight it was the perfect choice. I know it’s not for everyone. I was worried I’d want a third. Nearly 2 years out and while I’d love a 3rd, it’s nothing like intense desire I had for #2. Good luck OP. If you can move on and be happy, it’s the way to go. If you can’t, you need to make realistic decisions about how you reach your goal, which likely mean moving the goal a bit (or a lot, depending on your perspective) |
Anonymous
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Yes. I'm 41 (DH 43) with a 7 year old. I had three miscarriages last year, trying for a second before the end of 40. We left a big gap because we were one and done for a while, then changed our minds, now back to one and done. I think DD would be a great big sister but she's also just fine on her own. She has friends, is well adjusted, etc. DH and I are not close with our siblings so we know family can be found many ways.
If we had another child that would be a great source of joy but also additional stress. We are introverts and having one kid was really hard on us, I feel like we just hit our parenting stride a year or two ago. Our lives are good now. Part of why I started relatively late and only had one was that I learned from watching my mom that parenting is a miserable endless sacrifice. I don't want to pass that message on and I'm proud DD wants to be a mommy someday. Financially, it's nice to be able to do whatever (like private school during covid) because there's just one child. She will be out of college before I'm done working. And I'd be lying if I said the baby weight wasn't a concern at my age, already overweight as I am. I'd advise DD to have more kids and earlier, but this family size that we have is the best choice for us at this moment. I hope you find similar satisfaction. |
Anonymous
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Where are you? Have you tried Dr F at GWU?
3 year old is a needy age. They grow out of it really fast. You’ll see — in a few years your child will go several hours without needing you. Re: all the rest... I’d say it sounds like you really want one. I would give it the best try you got and that way you can feel at peace if it doesn’t happen. Best of luck. |
Anonymous
We also adopted after experiencing secondary infertility and going through one cycle of IVF. Financially, we could have continued with the medical route and our doctor advised that we had a good chance of success, but IVF felt like a roller-coaster. We adopted our daughter at 15 months. She’s in high school now and our son is in college. We feel so fortunate in how it worked out for us, but adoption isn’t for everyone and we know many happy one-child families. Either way, I think the trick is to see past the grief for what you can’t have and feel gratitude for what you do have. For me, therapy, prayer and staying grounded helped with that. Whatever you decide, good luck on your journey, OP. |
Anonymous
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I was in this position years ago and cried many tears. All the options feel terrible.
I kept going and had #2. Not saying it’s right or wrong. All I can offer is years later the tumult of that time has totally faded and I have my kids and I can’t imagine any other family. So I’m glad I stuck with it. But I think the key thing is whether continuing is at all realistic. I always had some realistic chance. If I was in your position I would probably at least get a second opinion. Good luck. Your family is and will be amazing no matter how many kids you have. |
Anonymous
| For those of you that decided to move forward with adoption or donor eggs, what age gap did you end up with? Even if we decided to move forward tomorrow, it would probably still be 2-ish years before we brought home a baby (adoption takes year(s) and DE would require new labs and tests since we've been out of treatment for a while, let alone any treatment failures, losses, or failed adoptions). A surprise miracle baby with a 7+ year gap is one thing, but embarking on another multi-year process that would have us starting over with an elementary aged child feels ... hard ... possibly unwise? I'd love to hear more about the timing and family dynamics others in similar situations have experienced. |
Anonymous
We adopted. Our kids were 12 and 8!! when baby came into our lives after years of secondary infertility and failed ivfs It was hard, it was a big change for everyone....but the joy it brought to our family is immeasurable. Will our family dynamic be “normal”? Will our older kids grown to be close with their much younger sibling as adults? Who knows. For now they dote on her. And of course she won’t have the experience of really having close in age siblings. It’s more like only child? Ish. But whatever. It’s her life and our life and we wouldn’t change it. We went into it with MUCH trepidation. Realizing we were blowing up our lives. And we are probably one of the older families at daycare. But we are happy we moved forward. It’s certainly going to be a personal decision for you and your family. |
Anonymous
| It's fine to be a family of 3, really. There are advantages to having one child. There is a lot to be said for being happy with what you have in life, rather than spending much of it longing for what you don't have. |
Anonymous
| We adopted after secondary infertility. Our kids are now 16 and 22, and they have a great relationship. One thing that helped a lot was that our family loves sports, so the kids have grown up skiing, swimming, sailing and playing tennis together. They also have a very similar sense of humor. And, we've been lucky. |
Anonymous
We have 2 kids and we adore our 2nd but it honestly didn't change as much as I thought it would in our life, except it's hard. Days can be grueling. |
Anonymous
| I did DE for 2nd and kids r 5 years apart. Oldest is a great big sister and the toddler adores her. The older one gets annoyed, but they’ve been stuck together in our small house so all things considered, they’re doing great. I wished they were closer in age initially, but there r lots of benefits to the age gap too. |
Anonymous
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I had secondary infertility and it took 4 years to get pregnant with #2, which ironically happened naturally about 6 months after stopping treatment. DH and I had resigned ourselves to the fact that we would only have one child and were truly doing ok with it.
My two kids are 6 years apart and while I love the baby to pieces and would never do things differently if I could go back in time, as a PP above mentioned it does feel like I have two onlies and it has been pretty hard for the older one (especially since we are all home together 24/7 right now). Life definitely would have been easier in many ways with just one, and if you ask my older child I am pretty sure she would say she would rather not have a sibling. I hope this changes in the future but who knows. Don’t get me wrong, the older one is a great big sister and the baby is obsessed with her... they just have nothing in common. |