Husband and harping on DD's food
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Anonymous
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I don't know how to describe this or if I'm overreacting, but I don't think so. My husband has a weird, and I mean really weird, "relationship with food" but only as it applies to my 11-year-old daughter. I do all of the grocery shopping, and buy a blend of healthy and treats, and for the most part she eats a really well-rounded diet. She'll eat your typical chicken/rice/peas combo for dinner, or whatever we're having if it's a family meal. But some examples:
I just overheard him criticizing her that she's having a snack because "we're going out to dinner later." It's 3:10, and our reservation is for 6:45. (outdoor reservations FYI) She pushed back and he legit got mad at her for ... eating. I came home late after a doctor's appointment. He had given her a dinner that would be appropriate for a 5-year old maybe. She said she was still hungry but didn't 'want to make him mad.' I'm like WTAF?? I said "Larla, you can have as much as you need!" I've pulled him aside and have told him he's going to create very disordered eating and to just STOP with harping on her regarding food, but you have to be kidding me with criticizing a kid for getting a snack at 3:10. What more can I say to get him to see this is nuts? P.S. My daughter is rail thin. Her softball team's nickname for her is the "human twig." Watching her weight is just not a concern. |
Anonymous
| Kick your husband out of the kitchen. Tell him straight up she’s on the cusp of puberty if she hasn’t started already and she NEEDS TO EAT. Period. Tell him he no longer gets a vote in what she eats or how much. She’s not a toddler, she’s a growing girl with high caloric needs right now. Ask him to think back to his teenage years and how hungry he was all the time—surely he remembers that and can relate. |
Anonymous
| You're not overreacting. Talk to your pediatrician together - just frame it as how to balance your kid's autonomy and health as she gets older and is making more food choices. Hopefully your doctor will say normal things about how your kid is fine and should be allowed to eat when she's hungry. Then you can refer back to that. Language like "our doctor said that it's important that eat what she needs to feel full, and not feel like she's breaking a rule or making us angry." You can also try to figure out what's going on with him, like what he's afraid of if he backs off. (But if he doesn't want to talk about, the more important part is he needs to stop it now.) |
Anonymous
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You should definitely intervene. At her age (or any child's age) they should not beginning to scrutinize what or how much they are eating especially if it is well balanced. So many girls and women end up with disordered eating and a negative relationship with food on their own let alone when their dad is leading the way.
If he needs more information, here is some: https://centerfordiscovery.com/blog/how-parents-can-help-kids-develop-a-positive-relationship-with-food/ https://www.washingtonpost.com/news/parenting/wp/2018/03/22/raising-my-kids-to-have-a-healthy-relationship-with-food-despite-my-eating-disorder/ https://www.nytimes.com/article/kids-healthy-eating-habits.html |
Anonymous
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He needs to back off. Tell him to stop commenting on what she eats. Immediately.
I had an eating disorder for 3 years...from 12-15. I could have died. I have two daughters. I never ever comment on what they are eating or when. Ever. My ex husband does not either. |
Anonymous
| Thank you all, OP here. I'm going to have yet another conversation with him.... |
Anonymous
Good. Hopefully he won’t get too defensive, and will realize that only your daughter knows how hungry she is and it’s damaging for him to try to control her. But even if he won’t stop, at least your daughter will know you had her back. |
Anonymous
| And tell him this is not up for debate. Just as he couldn't call her "ugly" he can't call her "fat" through this roundabout way because that is the messaging she is getting whether that his intention or not. |
Anonymous
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You need to ask him WHY he does this. Does he do this to others as well? Watch his own food intake? He needs to retrain his brain and stop doing it, but it's going to take repeated pushback from both you and your daughter. You can both talk to him and declare that his input on food is NOT welcome until he can understand your daughter mustn't stunt her growth. When she gets her period, she'll also need plenty of iron-rich foods.
My husband has the opposite problem. He feeds DD more food than she can possibly eat. This is because we have an older child who for years was on a diet to gain weight, and DH hasn't adjusted to a normal child. I need to remind him all the time. |
Anonymous
| Dinner reservation during covid. You are criticizing him and not looking at your own behaviors. |
Anonymous
| You gotta nip this in the bud now. Your husband is handing your kid an eating disorder on a silver platter. I’m almost 30 and my dad still has sh** to say about what I eat. It’s infuriating and has harmed our relationship. |
Anonymous
Useless point, PP. 
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Anonymous
| Just a FYI this type of controlling and nitpicking behavior about food causes disorded eating which can manifest as anorexia/bulimia or binging/hiding food. I was the latter. My Dad did it to me, but in a roundabout way by making me go the gym and workout in middle school with him at 530 in the morning and telling me that I needed to workout and eat healthy so I wouldnt be fat and single like my Aunt. Then my stepdad/mom who noted if I ate anything bad, tried to restrict sweets in the house, made comments about number of servings, and praised me if I had only a protein shake for dinner after a day of school, part-time work, and training for a sport. They actively state things about my weight- you look like youve lost weight or no comments at all about my appearance, which means they think I gained weight- but they "just want me to be happy". |
Anonymous
I was just going to say this! Instead of telling him, ask him. Hopefully he can figure out what is leading to his distorted thinking. I also recommend doing a zoom appt together with your daughter's ped. My ex is like this and it's really hard. Pre covid our kid was 3% for weight and 20% for height. Ex wouldn't let her snack at home and would give her a very low calorie snack and lunch to take to school. It helped a bit when the ped feeding her a croissant every day (kid doesn't like cheese or nuts or other regular calorie dense suggestions). |
Anonymous
| Have him come to the pediatrician and tell the ped ahead of time to tell DH to back down. |