My husband is a jerk

[Anonymous]

My husband is a very fun and hands on dad. My children love him so much. I try to be kind and thoughtful of my daughters (4) emotions but DH does not. He has no patience with her. For example, last night she didn't want a bath and he said "too bad so sad". That's not going to make her jump in the tub and enjoy it. She has become really difficult since COVID and he doesn't say the right things to her to get her to stop. I am reading "How to talk to little kids" and it really works on her, but then he comes around and undoes whatever I have accomplished. He won't read the book and would rather call her psycho. He thinks timeouts are the answer and would prefer to spank her (but he doesn't because I won't let him). He talks to me similarly. He is extremely sarcastic and takes nothing seriously. He will laugh when she tells him something, maybe he thinks it's cute and laughs but from her and my perspective, he's laughing AT us. I tell him over and over again how he makes us feel but nothing changes. LEAVING HIM IS NOT THE ANSWER, he will still be a jerk on the weekends and I actually really love him. He is so much fun with kids, he does awesome in the good times but terrible in the bad times. HELP!

[Anonymous]

I get it. My husband can be an ass about some things too, and has to stumble into the information on his own before he believes it (for example, he wasn't sure about the puffer jackets in car seats, until he saw a product on Shark Tank.) My husband respects me though, and when I express how his tone or attitude is being disruptive, he may be slightly insulted, but he'll work with me until we're on the same page. He needs to grow up and understand his role as a parent is to teach and guide your child, not to mock them. I'm extremely sarcastic too, but I understand that my 2 year old doesn't understand the nuances, and needs me to set an example. It shouldn't be his intention to raise an asshole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a very fun and hands on dad. My children love him so much. I try to be kind and thoughtful of my daughters (4) emotions but DH does not. He has no patience with her. For example, last night she didn't want a bath and he said "too bad so sad". That's not going to make her jump in the tub and enjoy it. She has become really difficult since COVID and he doesn't say the right things to her to get her to stop. I am reading "How to talk to little kids" and it really works on her, but then he comes around and undoes whatever I have accomplished. He won't read the book and would rather call her psycho. He thinks timeouts are the answer and would prefer to spank her (but he doesn't because I won't let him). He talks to me similarly. He is extremely sarcastic and takes nothing seriously. He will laugh when she tells him something, maybe he thinks it's cute and laughs but from her and my perspective, he's laughing AT us. I tell him over and over again how he makes us feel but nothing changes. LEAVING HIM IS NOT THE ANSWER, he will still be a jerk on the weekends and I actually really love him. He is so much fun with kids, he does awesome in the good times but terrible in the bad times. HELP!

This doesn't actually sounds like he's a jerk. It sounds like your parenting styles are very different. It's not being a "jerk" to tell a four year old that doesn't want a bath, "too bad, so sad" and put her in the tub. Timeouts are hardly a jerk move. I'm not a fan of spanking, but it sounds like he's heard you on that and isn't doing it, which tells me he's willing to compromise.

You need to move away from "he's a jerk" and he's "terrible in the bad times" and "he doesn't say the right things" and internalize the fact that neither of your methods are bad, they're just different. You are not the final authority on how to raise your children. Full stop. He has just as much of a right as you do. So, communication and compromise is your path. However - telling him the "right way" (aka your way) to do things is neither of those things. Trying to figure out how to get him to change is NOT the answer. You need to meet him half way.

So - I'd start at a quiet time, after she's in bed, and honestly, I'd start with an apology. "I realize that I've been hounding on the way you engage with Larla, and I've realized that is not fair at all. You are a good dad, and you're loving and involved, and I think it's just hard for me sometimes because I prefer a really different approach. I do worry that we're on such different pages, and I think it would be better for Larla if we were consistent."

Ask him how he would like to handle discipline (right? It sounds like discipline is the area you're diverging on). Have him give you some examples. Really listen. Ask questions. Ask him why this is his preference. Ask him about his priorities for discipline. Make sure you fully understand how he would approach different problems. Then, talk about your approached. Explain to him what you like about it. Then, find some compromises. Are there ways or situations where you can embrace his approach? Where is he flexible?

This is a super solvable problem IF you can drop the "I'm right he's wrong" attitude.

[Anonymous]

Awww I feel really bad for your daughter that you made such a poor life/parenting decision to be with what sounds like a garden variety douche. Your daughter deserved way better than the two of you. That's all. I wish her good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a very fun and hands on dad. My children love him so much. I try to be kind and thoughtful of my daughters (4) emotions but DH does not. He has no patience with her. For example, last night she didn't want a bath and he said "too bad so sad". That's not going to make her jump in the tub and enjoy it. She has become really difficult since COVID and he doesn't say the right things to her to get her to stop. I am reading "How to talk to little kids" and it really works on her, but then he comes around and undoes whatever I have accomplished. He won't read the book and would rather call her psycho. He thinks timeouts are the answer and would prefer to spank her (but he doesn't because I won't let him). He talks to me similarly. He is extremely sarcastic and takes nothing seriously. He will laugh when she tells him something, maybe he thinks it's cute and laughs but from her and my perspective, he's laughing AT us. I tell him over and over again how he makes us feel but nothing changes. LEAVING HIM IS NOT THE ANSWER, he will still be a jerk on the weekends and I actually really love him. He is so much fun with kids, he does awesome in the good times but terrible in the bad times. HELP!

This doesn't actually sounds like he's a jerk. It sounds like your parenting styles are very different. It's not being a "jerk" to tell a four year old that doesn't want a bath, "too bad, so sad" and put her in the tub. Timeouts are hardly a jerk move. I'm not a fan of spanking, but it sounds like he's heard you on that and isn't doing it, which tells me he's willing to compromise.

You need to move away from "he's a jerk" and he's "terrible in the bad times" and "he doesn't say the right things" and internalize the fact that neither of your methods are bad, they're just different. You are not the final authority on how to raise your children. Full stop. He has just as much of a right as you do. So, communication and compromise is your path. However - telling him the "right way" (aka your way) to do things is neither of those things. Trying to figure out how to get him to change is NOT the answer. You need to meet him half way.

So - I'd start at a quiet time, after she's in bed, and honestly, I'd start with an apology. "I realize that I've been hounding on the way you engage with Larla, and I've realized that is not fair at all. You are a good dad, and you're loving and involved, and I think it's just hard for me sometimes because I prefer a really different approach. I do worry that we're on such different pages, and I think it would be better for Larla if we were consistent."

Ask him how he would like to handle discipline (right? It sounds like discipline is the area you're diverging on). Have him give you some examples. Really listen. Ask questions. Ask him why this is his preference. Ask him about his priorities for discipline. Make sure you fully understand how he would approach different problems. Then, talk about your approached. Explain to him what you like about it. Then, find some compromises. Are there ways or situations where you can embrace his approach? Where is he flexible?

This is a super solvable problem IF you can drop the "I'm right he's wrong" attitude.

I thought along these same lines until I read that OP told her husband how his sarcastic comments made her feel, but he refuses to do anything different. If you love and respect somebody, you shouldn't ignore their feelings like that.

But I agree that there is too much of a "I'm right he's wrong" attitude. Changing that will help a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a very fun and hands on dad. My children love him so much. I try to be kind and thoughtful of my daughters (4) emotions but DH does not. He has no patience with her. For example, last night she didn't want a bath and he said "too bad so sad". That's not going to make her jump in the tub and enjoy it. She has become really difficult since COVID and he doesn't say the right things to her to get her to stop. I am reading "How to talk to little kids" and it really works on her, but then he comes around and undoes whatever I have accomplished. He won't read the book and would rather call her psycho. He thinks timeouts are the answer and would prefer to spank her (but he doesn't because I won't let him). He talks to me similarly. He is extremely sarcastic and takes nothing seriously. He will laugh when she tells him something, maybe he thinks it's cute and laughs but from her and my perspective, he's laughing AT us. I tell him over and over again how he makes us feel but nothing changes. LEAVING HIM IS NOT THE ANSWER, he will still be a jerk on the weekends and I actually really love him. He is so much fun with kids, he does awesome in the good times but terrible in the bad times. HELP!

This doesn't actually sounds like he's a jerk. It sounds like your parenting styles are very different. It's not being a "jerk" to tell a four year old that doesn't want a bath, "too bad, so sad" and put her in the tub. Timeouts are hardly a jerk move. I'm not a fan of spanking, but it sounds like he's heard you on that and isn't doing it, which tells me he's willing to compromise.

You need to move away from "he's a jerk" and he's "terrible in the bad times" and "he doesn't say the right things" and internalize the fact that neither of your methods are bad, they're just different. You are not the final authority on how to raise your children. Full stop. He has just as much of a right as you do. So, communication and compromise is your path. However - telling him the "right way" (aka your way) to do things is neither of those things. Trying to figure out how to get him to change is NOT the answer. You need to meet him half way.

So - I'd start at a quiet time, after she's in bed, and honestly, I'd start with an apology. "I realize that I've been hounding on the way you engage with Larla, and I've realized that is not fair at all. You are a good dad, and you're loving and involved, and I think it's just hard for me sometimes because I prefer a really different approach. I do worry that we're on such different pages, and I think it would be better for Larla if we were consistent."

Ask him how he would like to handle discipline (right? It sounds like discipline is the area you're diverging on). Have him give you some examples. Really listen. Ask questions. Ask him why this is his preference. Ask him about his priorities for discipline. Make sure you fully understand how he would approach different problems. Then, talk about your approached. Explain to him what you like about it. Then, find some compromises. Are there ways or situations where you can embrace his approach? Where is he flexible?

This is a super solvable problem IF you can drop the "I'm right he's wrong" attitude.

OP here. Thank you very much (and to 3/4 other responses) for taking the time to write all of that. I should ask him how he would like to discipline her. I notice that when I let him do the discipline for a day, she is not well behaved. When he is out of the room and I do it, she reacts much better to my way. So that is why I say his way is wrong. It isn't as effective for her. He has little patience and would rather address the short term (time outs, taking away toys) rather than work on the long term like I do (talk to her about why she is upset). Instead of saying what's wrong, he says don't cry.

I agree that we have different parenting styles and I will work on moving away from he's wrong and I'm right and try to find a middle ground. He had a very absent father but is able and willing to be hands on. Overall I think my children are incredibly lucky and I remind him every chance I can that he's doing a great job. Last night I was putting the baby to bed and he was doing the bath for 4YO. After he said "too bad so sad" he moved into playful mode (which I taught him from my book) and told her "puppy needs a bath!" and she jumped in the tub. I praised him a ton for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awww I feel really bad for your daughter that you made such a poor life/parenting decision to be with what sounds like a garden variety douche. Your daughter deserved way better than the two of you. That's all. I wish her good luck

NP. What's wrong with you? Seriously, what motivates you to attack another person like this in a way that is entirely unhelpful? You seem like a really miserable person. I am more concerned for your kid(s) than OP's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a very fun and hands on dad. My children love him so much. I try to be kind and thoughtful of my daughters (4) emotions but DH does not. He has no patience with her. For example, last night she didn't want a bath and he said "too bad so sad". That's not going to make her jump in the tub and enjoy it. She has become really difficult since COVID and he doesn't say the right things to her to get her to stop. I am reading "How to talk to little kids" and it really works on her, but then he comes around and undoes whatever I have accomplished. He won't read the book and would rather call her psycho. He thinks timeouts are the answer and would prefer to spank her (but he doesn't because I won't let him). He talks to me similarly. He is extremely sarcastic and takes nothing seriously. He will laugh when she tells him something, maybe he thinks it's cute and laughs but from her and my perspective, he's laughing AT us. I tell him over and over again how he makes us feel but nothing changes. LEAVING HIM IS NOT THE ANSWER, he will still be a jerk on the weekends and I actually really love him. He is so much fun with kids, he does awesome in the good times but terrible in the bad times. HELP!

This doesn't actually sounds like he's a jerk. It sounds like your parenting styles are very different. It's not being a "jerk" to tell a four year old that doesn't want a bath, "too bad, so sad" and put her in the tub. Timeouts are hardly a jerk move. I'm not a fan of spanking, but it sounds like he's heard you on that and isn't doing it, which tells me he's willing to compromise.

You need to move away from "he's a jerk" and he's "terrible in the bad times" and "he doesn't say the right things" and internalize the fact that neither of your methods are bad, they're just different. You are not the final authority on how to raise your children. Full stop. He has just as much of a right as you do. So, communication and compromise is your path. However - telling him the "right way" (aka your way) to do things is neither of those things. Trying to figure out how to get him to change is NOT the answer. You need to meet him half way.

So - I'd start at a quiet time, after she's in bed, and honestly, I'd start with an apology. "I realize that I've been hounding on the way you engage with Larla, and I've realized that is not fair at all. You are a good dad, and you're loving and involved, and I think it's just hard for me sometimes because I prefer a really different approach. I do worry that we're on such different pages, and I think it would be better for Larla if we were consistent."

Ask him how he would like to handle discipline (right? It sounds like discipline is the area you're diverging on). Have him give you some examples. Really listen. Ask questions. Ask him why this is his preference. Ask him about his priorities for discipline. Make sure you fully understand how he would approach different problems. Then, talk about your approached. Explain to him what you like about it. Then, find some compromises. Are there ways or situations where you can embrace his approach? Where is he flexible?

This is a super solvable problem IF you can drop the "I'm right he's wrong" attitude.

OP here. Thank you very much (and to 3/4 other responses) for taking the time to write all of that. I should ask him how he would like to discipline her. I notice that when I let him do the discipline for a day, she is not well behaved. When he is out of the room and I do it, she reacts much better to my way. So that is why I say his way is wrong. It isn't as effective for her. He has little patience and would rather address the short term (time outs, taking away toys) rather than work on the long term like I do (talk to her about why she is upset). Instead of saying what's wrong, he says don't cry.

I agree that we have different parenting styles and I will work on moving away from he's wrong and I'm right and try to find a middle ground. He had a very absent father but is able and willing to be hands on. Overall I think my children are incredibly lucky and I remind him every chance I can that he's doing a great job. Last night I was putting the baby to bed and he was doing the bath for 4YO. After he said "too bad so sad" he moved into playful mode (which I taught him from my book) and told her "puppy needs a bath!" and she jumped in the tub. I praised him a ton for it.

I'm the PP - glad you found this helpful. I think mentioning that you find she's better behaved using some of your methods is reasonable as part of this conversation, but also remember that's short term. Maybe he thinks his methods are better long term? In any case, I do think the number one thing you need to do is hear him out and listen, listen, listen. And while I understand praising his parenting, it almost sounds like you're trying to use positive reinforcement to get your way, like you're training him, and I think that's a little infantilizing.

[Anonymous]

Have you checked out BigLittleFeelings on Insta? They have a Toddler course that goes through a science-based approach about what works, and seems like it really fits your parenting style (no time outs, working on what will reduce tantrums in the long run, recognizing that feelings are ok, but still enforcing boundaries re behavior, i.e. it's ok to be sad it's bathtime, but you still have to take a bath). I felt like DH and I were on very different pages with respect to dealing with tantrums - he would view DD as unreasonable for crying about something unreasonable without realizing a 2 year old literally cannot reason. Now instead of saying "relax," he tells her it's ok she is upset. I can't say we've noticed fewer tantrums yet since doing the course, but I think sitting down and watching the videos together has been super helpful to get the two of us on the same page, and he now recognizes a lot more about what a toddler's brain actually is capable of.

If he won't read a book, maybe watching a video will work better? Or at least have him follow the Instagram account - I had DH follow for a few weeks and then after an epic tantrum said we could either both read a book, take the course together, or he could suggest a different approach and I would be open to it, and he chose the course and now often comments to me about posts they do.

[Anonymous]

Doesn’t sound too bad to me. It sounds like big picture you two are aligned with how to raise your children. As far as parenting them, you can’t expect him to speak and react exactly as you do. It’s fine for your children to understand that they will get different responses from their parents. I’m not saying one parent should spank and the other not. You should be aligned on general discipline. But nitpicking how he speaks to her will get you nowhere. Put yourself in his position and imagine he is constantly suggesting how you should rephrase things to your own child? Back off and let them sort it out.

[Anonymous]

Don’t worry about it too much, kids learn emotional intelligence from a range of people. It sounds like he loves her and she knows it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Awww I feel really bad for your daughter that you made such a poor life/parenting decision to be with what sounds like a garden variety douche. Your daughter deserved way better than the two of you. That's all. I wish her good luck

+10000

[Anonymous]

I can never get my husband to read the books or articles I feel are important to get us on the same page. My next go to is to listen to podcast that I agree with when he is around. I really like Unruffled and will listen to her when I’m stressed out. When I find one that I think is really important I’ll play it while were making dinner, or in the car, and then strike up a conversation on how I agree or am curious about different points she made. It’s my form of subliminal messaging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is a very fun and hands on dad. My children love him so much. I try to be kind and thoughtful of my daughters (4) emotions but DH does not. He has no patience with her. For example, last night she didn't want a bath and he said "too bad so sad". That's not going to make her jump in the tub and enjoy it. She has become really difficult since COVID and he doesn't say the right things to her to get her to stop. I am reading "How to talk to little kids" and it really works on her, but then he comes around and undoes whatever I have accomplished. He won't read the book and would rather call her psycho. He thinks timeouts are the answer and would prefer to spank her (but he doesn't because I won't let him). He talks to me similarly. He is extremely sarcastic and takes nothing seriously. He will laugh when she tells him something, maybe he thinks it's cute and laughs but from her and my perspective, he's laughing AT us. I tell him over and over again how he makes us feel but nothing changes. LEAVING HIM IS NOT THE ANSWER, he will still be a jerk on the weekends and I actually really love him. He is so much fun with kids, he does awesome in the good times but terrible in the bad times. HELP!

Leaving him is the answer. Five less days a week you and your child aren't emotionally abused. He's fun with the kids as long as they don't have an opinion. When they do he belittled and laughs. He is laughing at you both. Leave him.

Lsa

[Anonymous]

You can't parent your husband. Stop trying.