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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband is a very fun and hands on dad.  My children love him so much.  I try to be kind and thoughtful of my daughters (4) emotions but DH does not.  He has no patience with her.  For example, last night she didn't want a bath and he said "too bad so sad".  That's not going to make her jump in the tub and enjoy it.  She has become really difficult since COVID and he doesn't say the right things to her to get her to stop.  I am reading "How to talk to little kids" and it really works on her, but then he comes around and undoes whatever I have accomplished.  He won't read the book and would rather call her psycho.  He thinks timeouts are the answer and would prefer to spank her (but he doesn't because I won't let him).  He talks to me similarly.  He is extremely sarcastic and takes nothing seriously.  He will laugh when she tells him something, maybe he thinks it's cute and laughs but from her and my perspective, he's laughing AT us.  I tell him over and over again how he makes us feel but nothing changes.  LEAVING HIM IS NOT THE ANSWER, he will still be a jerk on the weekends and I actually really love him.  He is so much fun with kids, he does awesome in the good times but terrible in the bad times.  HELP![/quote]

This doesn't actually sounds like he's a jerk. It sounds like your parenting styles are very different. It's not being a "jerk" to tell a four year old that doesn't want a bath, "too bad, so sad" and put her in the tub. Timeouts are hardly a jerk move. I'm not a fan of spanking, but it sounds like he's heard you on that and isn't doing it, which tells me he's willing to compromise.

You need to move away from "he's a jerk" and he's "terrible in the bad times" and "he doesn't say the right things" and internalize the fact that neither of your methods are bad, they're just different. You are not the final authority on how to raise your children. Full stop. He has just as much of a right as you do. So, communication and compromise is your path. However - telling him the "right way" (aka your way) to do things is neither of those things. Trying to figure out how to get him to change is NOT the answer. You need to meet him half way.

So - I'd start at a quiet time, after she's in bed, and honestly, I'd start with an apology. "I realize that I've been hounding on the way you engage with Larla, and I've realized that is not fair at all. You are a good dad, and you're loving and involved, and I think it's just hard for me sometimes because I prefer a really different approach. I do worry that we're on such different pages, and I think it would be better for Larla if we were consistent."

Ask him how he would like to handle discipline (right? It sounds like discipline is the area you're diverging on). Have him give you some examples. Really listen. Ask questions. Ask him why this is his preference. Ask him about his priorities for discipline. Make sure you fully understand how he would approach different problems. Then, talk about your approached. Explain to him what you like about it. Then, find some compromises. Are there ways or situations where you can embrace his approach? Where is he flexible?

This is a super solvable problem IF you can drop the "I'm right he's wrong" attitude. 
[/quote]

I thought along these same lines until I read that OP told her husband how his sarcastic comments made her feel, but he refuses to do anything different. If you love and respect somebody, you shouldn't ignore their feelings like that.

But I agree that there is too much of a "I'm right he's wrong" attitude. Changing that will help a lot. [/quote]

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