I don’t respect my husband - would you divorce if you were me?

[Anonymous]

I am 36 and have 1 very young baby.

I just really do not respect DH of 7 years anymore at all, that’s the crux of it. He is not abusive, he has a job, there is nothing horrifically wrong with our marriage. I just think his decision making about most things big and small is deeply flawed. He blows a lot of hot air about things he is going to do and accomplish but he almost never delivers. He constantly makes excuses. He just isn’t someone I can admire or respect. Yes, I married him, I am at fault for that, but where do I go from here? I feel so alone and like the only adult who lives in reality while he lives in la la land.

Would you stay or go if you were me?

[Anonymous]

When you decided to have a baby with this man did you respect him? Does your child deserve a father? Many men are not especially good with infants but grow into the role as the child becomes more interesting and interactive. Now is not the time to be making big decisions when you are sleep deprived and overwhelmed. Many people go through a large adjustment when a new person enters the picture. If you were childless my answer would be different.

[Anonymous]

I would not make any decisions right now with a young baby. There are so many factors that can be impacting your outlook that have nothing to do with your husband.

I would invite you to take some alone time to make a list of why you married him. Go back to when you first met. What attracted you to him? What have you enjoyed about him and your relationship?

I would also suggest checking in with yourself about where you are. Sometimes when we’re feeling bad about ourselves, it’s easy to project that onto our partners.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When you decided to have a baby with this man did you respect him? Does your child deserve a father? Many men are not especially good with infants but grow into the role as the child becomes more interesting and interactive. Now is not the time to be making big decisions when you are sleep deprived and overwhelmed. Many people go through a large adjustment when a new person enters the picture. If you were childless my answer would be different.

No I didn’t respect him when I got pregnant, but I guess I was in denial about it. I have been trying to be happy with him since the beginning. I did love him so I didn’t settle in that sense but I settled on his character being one I can really respect and over time the love died. I still care for him as a person but not romantically. He is doing fine as a father, he is actually great with her. I’d have zero problem with 50/50 custody starting tomorrow and he would take it, so she would not be losing a father.

I have a lot of resentment about him as a husband. He is weak and has no problem offloading life’s big responsibilities on me. I feel like the man in our relationship and I’d rather be alone than bitterly resentful and for my daughter to see and feel that tone in the house.

[Anonymous]

Its the 7 year itch. Let him take care of the baby in his own way. You can probably find something to respect if he has a good job and you've been married 7 years. I'm sure you're not perfect either.

[Anonymous]

I just read the comments about comments about off floating you need to read the surrendered wife immediately

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read the comments about comments about off floating you need to read the surrendered wife immediately

Definitely do not read this book, it's the worst. Instead, have a serious discussion with him about what big responsibilities he is willing to undertake, and then hold him to it.

[Anonymous]

Read about Gottman’s 4 Horsemen and see if you identify any of those traits in yourself or him. Ask for his take too. Proceed from there. Children can really challenge the soundness of the most secure foundation, you owe it to them to give them a strong and healthy start. What that looks like can vary for different families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just read the comments about comments about off floating you need to read the surrendered wife immediately

The last thing I want to do is surrender to him. He’d arrange everything in our life to his liking and then tell me it’s my fault I don’t like it.

[Anonymous]

Can you give an example of what you mean by life’s big responsibilities? How is he not stepping up to those and how are you forced to fill in?

[Anonymous]

This sounds like a you problem, not a husband problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Its the 7 year itch. Let him take care of the baby in his own way. You can probably find something to respect if he has a good job and you've been married 7 years. I'm sure you're not perfect either.

It's not really a 7 year itch it's more OP rushed to get married before she hit the big 30, and now she's got the baby and doesn't need the husband anymore, she can now whine about no geting millionare prince who looks like Chris Evans is a pediatric neurosurgeon who volunteers at dog rescues and runs marathons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a you problem, not a husband problem.

How? I am very happy with the life I built for myself and can easily imagine him not in it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you give an example of what you mean by life’s big responsibilities? How is he not stepping up to those and how are you forced to fill in?

I could be wrong, but I'm going to guess he's tried o step up, but doesn't anymore because OP only wants things done exactly her way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This sounds like a you problem, not a husband problem.

How? I am very happy with the life I built for myself and can easily imagine him not in it.

You are miserable and spreading that misery around you and it will eventually spread to your daughter and every other relationship you get into. You are toxic and self-absorbed but will never admit it.