Sibling Relationships after Parents/ILs Pass Away

[Anonymous]

Did the siblings and their families drift apart or did the siblings who previously made minimal effort without a parent guilting/harassing them decide to put more effort in, resulting in more time spent together?

[Anonymous]

I think sometimes the guilt lasts past death. My FIL passed last year and he used to guilt my DH constantly about calling and spending time with DH's brother. They were close as kids but have gone in very different directions as adults and now have very little in common.

But since my FIL's death, I think my DH has actually made a very conscientious effort to maintain contact with his brother, in part because he knows it's what his dad would have wanted. In a way, it's easier now because my DH doesn't feel like he's being guilted into it. He just does it because he's decided to accept this value from his dad. They still don't have much in common and I wouldn't call them close at all (my BIL has a lot of issues that make dealing with him pretty challenging at times, actually) but my DH has just decided that maintaining that relationship matters to him.

This will sound like a weird analogy, but it reminds me of how when you are a kid and your parents tell you to do chores, you HATE it in part because you are being forced to do it and you resent having the choice taken away. But as an adult, while you might not love cleaning your own house, doing so does at least offer a sense of pride and accomplishment, more than it did as a kid when you felt forced into it.

[Anonymous]

After parents passed, siblings in my family rarely see each other. It seemed like we were all close and had fun before, but now no interest at all. Very sad. I think maybe we were all acting about closeness for our mother”s sake. Some live 45 minutes away and some 2 hours away. It is what it is. There seems to be no effort to get together.

[Anonymous]

My brother and I (his sister) just drove two hours eat to meet for lunch in our hometown. It was bliss; the two of us, no spouses, kids or not even our dogs were there to interrupt us and our reminiscing. I just wanted to spend time with him, and also with someone who also knew "Our Hometown, circa 1979." During lunch, he pointed to the parking lot across the street and said, "Do you remember when that was a lemon orchard?" and I was so happy.

We haven't done these kind of get-togethers before, but our mom died in 2019 and I think we just felt cut off without her organizing events or sharing memories.

[Anonymous]

My siblings and I got closer after my mom’s death (15 years ago). It kind of cemented our bonds. My dad is still alive, and we’re close to him, but he doesn’t really do anything to directly support sibling relationships. That’s all come from us and in some ways is a means of honoring my mom and retaining a piece of her for each other.

[Anonymous]

The ones that made an effort still do and the ones that did not make an effort (or rarely) do not.

DH is still relatively close with one of his siblings -the effort is both ways.

For his other two, it is all one way (DH ).

I have one sister and we have always been close, perhaps even more so now that our parents are gone.

[Anonymous]

We started out as a close-knit family in our childhood. Beginning in our 20s the closeness began to erode with disrespectful behavior, and mental instability in some siblings. After parents passed, I gave up. The lack of respect was painfully indicative of a lack of love. Haven't seen siblings in a few years, and not interested in seeing siblings again.

Siblings have to be committed to remaining a family. They have to treat each other with at least basic respect and consideration. If that's absent, and love is absent, what's the point?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Did the siblings and their families drift apart or did the siblings who previously made minimal effort without a parent guilting/harassing them decide to put more effort in, resulting in more time spent together?

There is a lot of backstory and bias in your perspective. For your family, if it takes parental "guilting/harassing" to get together, it sounds like you and your siblings will drift apart. For families that have a better dynamic then they will have a different outcome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Did the siblings and their families drift apart or did the siblings who previously made minimal effort without a parent guilting/harassing them decide to put more effort in, resulting in more time spent together?

There is a lot of backstory and bias in your perspective. For your family, if it takes parental "guilting/harassing" to get together, it sounds like you and your siblings will drift apart. For families that have a better dynamic then they will have a different outcome.

You're right that it was loaded phrasing. It is actually DH's family and it isn't bias, it's honest. MIL admits that is what she does. We debated a bit about softening it but hoped it would provide a bit of context. Right now, they only see each other when MIL goes after them even though SO is willing to put in the effort-his brother only bothers him when he wants him to do free highly technical and time-consuming labor.

They used to go on holiday (1-2wks) regularly but that has fallen away and any encouragement to spend time with just them or just them and their mother fails to be followed through on. While BIL is generally okay, his wife is quite unpleasant to be around. BIL never sees or even hangs out with SO without his wife. They can't even speak on the phone without her and also share an email.

We're looking at moving but also have the option to stay within driving distance of them. MIL has a neurodegenerative disease and isn't likely to last another 5y even though we are all quite young (early 30s). She is also the person who has triangulated her children off of one another, completely missing that the competition she's stoked between them has been eroding their relationship, especially for the younger and more insecure brother.

The only thing that we can all agree on is that it would be nice for our children to know and spend time with each other. If there is sufficient hope the relationship would recover after MIL passes, we'll consider staying relatively more local and see how it goes. We know that we'll have to move or go private for the children's schooling, though. It's basically stay, move 2h further away, or move 14h drive away. I have family everywhere we would move to but SO does not.

This is his only remaining family which is why we're hesitating. If moving effectively ends the relationship, though, then perhaps there wasn't much left of a relationship at all? The entire responsibility should not be on SO rather than on both of them. .

My family has always been very close and hasn't drifted anytime within the last five generations so I don't have much experience this type of situation. We haven't had the triangulation issue, either, so I haven't seen this scenario play out before.

[Anonymous]

I fully expect that after my parents are gone, I will have almost no relationship with my sibling. We aren't close, and the only reason I make any effort to keep in touch is because I know it makes my mom happy. But he's a dick to our parents and completely ungrateful for their efforts to help him, and we have nothing in common except them. It's sad, but I've had decades to accept it. He won't make any effort except when he needs something.

[Anonymous]

There is no foundation there. I don't trust my sibling and I only have memories of cruelty. There will be no relationship. I wish there was none now and am trying to make it happen. Such a manipulative, entitled, narcissistic nut who cannot keep a relationship with anyone who has to deal with her in person for very long and is already draining funds from our living parent.

[Anonymous]

Drifting apart. Our parents, and the home that we grew up in, were our family hub. All of us returned there for most Christmases, and tried to have summer vacations nearby. Without the hub it takes a lot more effort to get everyone together.

[Anonymous]

I’m sad I never got to have a relationship with my brother after our parents died. He died by suicide after our dad died. We were both over our heads in our parents’ addictions and dysfunctions. Caring for our mentally ill mother Drained SO much from both of us. 5 year after he death, I feel so much freer and I wish he were around to feel this way, too. Sadly, he did not survive.

I have another brother. He is a selfish POS. We do talk a couple of times a year and I follow his wife in FB and that is plenty.

[Anonymous]

When my grandmother died my mother and her brothers completely stopped seeing each other (and they were very close). My uncles started a huge fight about money and my mother never spoke to them again. I personally have never gotten along with either one of my siblings, even as young children. We see each other bare minimum holidays now. Won’t be seeing each other this year at all. My father has already passed, but when my mother does we will probably just never speak to them again. However, no love lost as we have never ever gotten along for even one single nanosecond of our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother and I (his sister) just drove two hours eat to meet for lunch in our hometown. It was bliss; the two of us, no spouses, kids or not even our dogs were there to interrupt us and our reminiscing. I just wanted to spend time with him, and also with someone who also knew "Our Hometown, circa 1979." During lunch, he pointed to the parking lot across the street and said, "Do you remember when that was a lemon orchard?" and I was so happy.

We haven't done these kind of get-togethers before, but our mom died in 2019 and I think we just felt cut off without her organizing events or sharing memories.

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