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Strategies for not judging friends who let you down ethically?
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Anonymous
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I admit that I am a fairly judgmental person, it's something I struggle with and work on. Not re: superficial things like handbags, pacifiers, vacations and physical appearance -- I think that's relevant.
Instead I often judge people on the life choices they make and whether they are ethical. Again, I'm not proud of this but I swear I can't help it, it's like this deep visceral reaction that sticks. I'd like to at least squelch this somewhat because it's getting in the way of friendship. I feel myself pulling away from otherwise decent people. Help? cognitive behavior therapy maybe?? Some real life examples of what I'm talking about: one friend refuses to pay taxes for her 3 household employees and tells herself and me that they are independent contractors. She knows they aren't, she's read the tax code, but that's her story. Another friend is very proud -- will tell anyone who will listen -- how little she pays her housecleaner. Like, 'you should see if Janice has any open days because I hardly pay her anything and she never complains.' Another friend basically killed her cat (long story) because the cat became inconvenient (not dangerous) when the baby arrived. ie, skipped the humane shelter and dumped him at the river's edge. I know, the nanny could quit and so could the housecleaner, and maybe the cat was taken in by a kindly country child, but that's not my point. How do -I- just let it go? |
Anonymous
| Why do you want to be friends with people you find unethical? What do you mean "otherwise decent"--maybe that they're not murderers? I think it's fine to keep your own ethical standards--they don't sound extreme in the least. |
Anonymous
| Why should you let it go? Why should you stay friends with people who do those types of things? Especially the cat. End of friendship for me, no question. |
Anonymous
Oops, I forgot about the cat. Maybe I should have said "not murderers of PEOPLE." |
Anonymous
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OP, those examples you give are people just being human.
It does not mean you have to put up with it. To be honest, the one who uses Janice bugs me the most. Avoid the cat killer, he may pose a danger to people. 100 years ago that happened a lot, now a days, it is just plain spooky. |
Anonymous
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"Especially the cat. End of friendship for me, no question. "
Yep. I might fake a workplace friendship, but that's it - a fake relationship., over ASAP. |
Anonymous
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Hmmmm...I don't think those are petty greivances on your part. Especially the one about the cat. I'm pretty tolerant of other people, but what you've described are big offenses in my book and I'm not sure if I could look past those. Maybe it is time to let these friends go gently into the night?
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Anonymous
| OK - how about for a friend that always uses the express road to the airport b/c they can avoid tolls / traffic. They don't think they are cheating anyone. |
Anonymous
That's minor. They will get caught. It is rude and insensitive, but you could ignore. |
Anonymous
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IMO ethics are very individual and personal. You should be concerned about you and your children but allow other people to make their own judgements. While these are not things I would do I also don't think they are things to judge other people on.
On the cat, drowning it was bad, but making a choice to humanely euthanize an older pet that you cannot or choose not to care for is not a universal unethical choice. On cheaply paying the nanny? I don't see this as unethical at all. The nanny accepted the position and she is an adult. People bargain shop for services all the time. If you got an amazing deal on a car you wouldn't feel ethically compelled to spend a few extra thousand so the sales person made a bigger commision would you? Tax issue? You really feel that passoinate about taxes? I wouldn't do this because of the consequences but my moral compass is not what compels me to pay taxes. This would be true for probably 99% of the population whether they admit it or not. |
Anonymous
| I have pretty strong feelings on things too - like people shouldn't circumcise, everyone should vaccinate their children, and it's ok to redshirt. But, I have friends that circumcised their boys, a cousin who didn't vaccinate and friends who think redshirting is bad (except for my kid). I just avoid talking about these and other issues that could be deal breakers when it comes to friendship. These differences, just like the tax issue and how much you pay your house cleaner, don't define the person. Now, the cat thing, I'm not sure I would be able to maintain that friendship. |
Anonymous
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OP, thank you. I know everyone has a different moral compass, as evidenced by these answers so far. I just wonder how I should, IF I should, look past what I personally consider ethical transgressions. I'm in my 40s and I suspect my value system isn't going to change too much. How I react ... I dunno.
I want to clarify that my girlfriend did not snap the cat's neck or anything, they just drove it out to Rappahanock County and let it out of the car near the river, and drove back to DC. A cat that had been 100% indoors up until that day. |
Anonymous
| The cat thing is a BIG RED FLAG for me. |
Anonymous
It is still cruel. You don't have to make excuses for your friend. |
Anonymous
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OP, I'd be judging in the cases you describe also. You're not required to be friends with these people. And, you, for sure, can find more 'ethical' people. Or at least people who will align more with your values.
Let these friends go! |